The spouse knows anyway

When trying to decide if you should tell your spouse about your addiction, consider the pretty good chance that they know anyway.

That's right. They may know anyway.

Sure, they may not know what is really going on, but they might know that something is terribly wrong. They may be asking themselves questions like:

Why can't we seem to get along?
Why is my spouse always to irritable?
Why can't we connect in our relationship?
Why do things feel so awkward between us?

So while they may not really know what is going on, they may know that something is going on. And no matter how many excuses they try to make in an attempt to try and fix your situation, none of them will work because they aren't being told the truth.

That isn't fair to your spouse, yourself, or your family.

Just a thought.

Question: "Should I tell my spouse that I am an addict?"

I've never been in the position of wondering what I should tell my spouse about an addiction, but I have been on the opposite side of being told by my loved one about their addiction.

My personal opinion? The answer is yes. You should tell your spouse.

That being said, being told about the addiction was one of the most awful experiences ever. I literally felt like the world around me was falling apart. The fact that things weren't actually falling down around me didn't match up to how I was feeling.

But then a great thing happened. After a good cry we came up with a plan. Being handed all that crap, while hard, was a good thing because the root of the problems we'd been having was now out in the open and we could look for applicable, honest help. Whereas before we couldn't make a plan to help our relationship because I had no idea what we were really dealing with.

Consider playing soccer, 2 against 2. If you don't tell your partner that you are playing soccer, then you won't get any help making goals or stopping the other team from making goals. Meanwhile, you are frustrated that you are losing the game and your partner has no idea why you are so upset or why things are stressed out. Because he or she doesn't even know they are playing the darn game!

Trying to work past an addiction is the same thing. In my opinion, take it or leave it, if you don't tell your spouse, your relationship may not get the healing it needs and he or she isn't going to know why things are so tense and stressed out.

You've got to tell your spouse that they are playing soccer!

I've met multiple wives who have told me that their marriage was better than ever after finding out about their husband's addiction because now they are on the same page and able to work together to find health and peace in their relationship.

That being said, it isn't going to be easy. You are telling your spouse about a betrayal, and they are going to take it that way. Getting through this is going to be hard, but so worth it.

If telling your spouse leads to more unrest in the relationship, then I still think it is worth telling. There were things in my situation that eventually threw our relationship under the bus, but I have always been grateful that the person told me. I have respect that they had the courage to tell me, and I think that was the absolute right decision.

You have to let your spouse make their own decisions based on what you tell them, but a relationship based on the truth, even if that truth comes hard, is always better than a relationship based on lies.

Anyway, that's my personal opinion from my personal experience.

What do you think?

And then you remember . . .

Time really does heal a lot. It honestly gives you time to "forget" things you will never really forget.

The other day I was told about something that is currently happening with the addict in my life and how he treats his "new". Something that he says. I had this disorienting moment of "What?" And then I was taken back in time to what felt like every single disagreement we had when he would say the same thing to me.

Sometimes the memories come out of the blue. Pictures, court documents, old friends. Something will remind me and for a moment it's like I am right back in that frusterating moment.

Sometimes this remembering is good, because it 1) reminds me of exactly how things were 2) shows me how far I've come.

Sometimes this remembering is bad, because 1) so much of it shouldn't have happened in the first place and I don't want to spend my time thinking about it, 2)it is disturbing.

But remembering is part of life. And it helps us a lot, to grow and learn and move toward the future.

At the same time, I don't want to relive some of those memories. I purposefully don't sit and think about how it felt to be treated like that.

So why post about this? If remembering is normal, who cares? Well, there is a group I am a part of where a lot of people share about dealing with the memories when they come up. And it disturbs them, when memories they didn't want to remember suddenly pop up again. They ask about how others deal with these memories.

Honestly, there are 3 ways I generally deal with them.

1) If it is a good memory, I file it away in my mind under "at least there is a good memory to remember."

2)If it is a bad memory, I file it away as "Proof of what was going on."

3) If it is a memory that I don't want to remember, I say a prayer to help that memory not pop up.

How do you deal with the sudden memories?

Advice from my Future Self

A few years back, sitting in a meeting for the Spouses of Addicts, I was having a very rough time with some devastating news I had just learned. This news was a game changer, an escalation, a crossing of a line that should never have been crossed. It was the time period in which I found out that the situation I was in was so much worse than I thought it was before.

I mean, I knew it was bad before. I knew that things weren't good. But this news changed everything. 

I remember sitting in this meeting, a huge range of emotions going through me. 

Disappointment. Sadness. Shock.

Plus, I wondered if there would be more news. More things I didn't know about.

And yes, yes there was. But that is not a part of this story.

Obviously I can't tell you what happened in that meeting. But there came a point where I imagined meeting my future self and what advice she would give me.

I bawled.

Because my future self knew how sad I was. What I had imagined was not going to be. The future I had hoped for was not going to be. I had learned that my family had entered into a dangerous area, and I knew that nothing would ever be the way I had dreamed it would end up.

No rocking chairs on the porch kind of feeling.

Picturing my future self, she was calm. She knew the situation, she knew what I was going through, and she had survived it. She knew, just as I did, what direction things were going in.

Like I said, I bawled.

Now that I am "the future self," I would still tell my past self to be strong. To pray, to stay close to God.

And now what would my future self tell me? Honestly, the same things.

I have a guess that if any of us were to meet our hopeful future selves they would say the same thing.

I know what you are going through. I've literally been there, in your shoes. But I survived it, I prayed and asked God to guide my decisions. I stood firm in the places I needed to stand firm, I changed what needed to be changed. It won't be easy, but you can do it. You'll have plenty of opposition if you are doing the right thing, but you can do it.

Life is not about trials, It's about the decisions you make in getting through them.

Dealing with your spouse's addiction: Finding the Spark (Guest Blog Post)

Today we have a Guest Blog Post written by Alicia from brabadges.blogspot.com ! I am so excited to share this with you, and you should go check out her blog when you are done reading here. I asked her to answer the question: What has helped you the most in dealing with your spouse's addiction? Because this is something that so many people are needing help with. And when you are at that point you might want to hear what has helped someone else.

By Alicia:

I love the 3rd verse of "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star."  Have you read it?

"Then the traveller in the dark, 

Thanks you for your tiny spark, 

He could not see which way to go, 

If you did not twinkle so."

I remember my Traveller Days, and they were so dark.  No one knew my secret because I believed it wasn't mine to tell.  People around me talked openly about my secret, never knowing.

"If my husband ever looked at pornography, I'd leave him."

I remembered thinking the same thing until it happened to me.

"Porn is such a problem right now... it's breaking families up."

If it was such a problem, why did I feel so alone?

I couldn't find any spark, let alone any light.  The cycle of addiction seemed to run our home.  We operated around where my husband was at emotionally.  I worked hard to keep my kids safe, to keep my husband happy.  I always came up short, but I never stopped trying to be "more."

More thin.

More easy-going.

More sexy.

Sweeter.

Kinder.

Funnier.

Tidier.

I stopped focusing on my own needs and allowed them to be swallowed up in what I perceived to be my husband's needs.  No matter how hard I tried, no matter how many books I read or strategies I came up with... he would always return to his addiction.  I tried keeping tabs on him, following up with articles I'd asked him to read, and reasoning with him.

One day, six years into our marriage and after a year without my husband relapsing, I uncovered more lies.  I hit my rock bottom.  The emotional pain was so intense, it morphed into physical pain.  My heart hurt so badly, I clutched at my chest.  I couldn't believe this was my life, my story.

I cried myself to sleep and the next morning I told myself if I could find tiny spark -just one story of one person who had made it though a story like mine -I could make it through that next day.

I found a book online that led me to a 12-step support group.  At first I only attended with the intention to listen.  All I really wanted was to look into the eyes of another person going through what I was going through.  I had travelled in the dark for much too long.  I needed light.

I found sparks that night.  It only took a few meetings of "only listening" to really intrigue me.  I began working the steps myself.

Today, six years later, I attend two meetings each week.  I work my steps with a sponsor.  I attend counseling and reach out to a trusted spiritual adviser.  

I have found a great deal of truth working the 12-steps.  They have brought me to a place of serenity.  The journey has not been easy or painless... in fact, it has been very hard and very painful.  I repeat the serenity prayer each week and appreciate the reminder that, "pain is the pathway to progress."

I have learned I can let go of what I can't control (the past, others, the future...) and focus on what I can control -myself.

Working the 12-steps is like looking through a REALLY clean mirror... I can see my strengths and weaknesses, my pride and my humility.  It is almost as scary as it is empowering.  I have the direction I need to take hold of my life and live to my full potential, regardless of my husband's choices.

I live one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time -my path lit by the sparks of those who walked the path before I did.

Online vs. Real Women

"But I am right here. How could you go looking for something totally fake and bad when something totally real and good is right in front of you."

It's hard to fathom.

Do you think if a pornography addict was being mugged and Superman came to rescue him, he'd turn superman away and just show the mugger a picture of superman?

Because yeah, that's about how much sense the addiction makes too.

Because it isn't about superman. Superman can be awesome and have super strength and speed and the addict would still have his addiction.

Wait, I think I got that wrong . . .

Redo:

Because it isn't about the wife. The wife can be awesome and creepily and falsely "perfect" in every way and the addict would still have his addiction.

In real life, woman are REAL. Our bodies aren't perfect, and most of us are just trying to get everything done in the short 24 hours we humans like to call: a day!

But none of that matters. We are real. We are hopeful, and want the best in life. We are REAL! We are GOOD! We are of WORTH!

But the addiction has taken over. Which means that very real, good things won't be receiving the attention they deserve.

But it helps to know that it isn't personal (even if the addict says it is). Someone else's choices can not effect my worth. And someone else's issues do not reflect on me.

I can be real, and that is NORMAL.



Hey!!!!! REMEMBER also that we are currently running a LifeStar Coupon for their 6 day intensive outpatient program! Go to the deals tab at the top for more info and a link to the post with the coupon!!!!!!!!!

Respect vs Violence

This is True Love Vs. Exploitation week here on Get2theGist. It started last year, the week before Valentine's day with the boycott of the 50 shades movie. That was a crazy week for me. I blogged at least 3 times a day, I wrote an article for Deseret News, was interviewed on iHeart Radio, etc., etc. etc. 

It was all about standing up for true love, exposing pornography and abuse for what they really are, and supporting the true victims of these abusive relationships. Because it's all hurt and pain until somebody dies, right?

This is serious stuff, a living hell for everyone involved. And yet the world wants to depict pornography and abuse as acceptable. People die from these relationships getting too out of hand. All it takes is one time when things go too far, and then somebody gets hurt. 

Not to mention the whole host of spouses who are dealing with the trauma and hurt from their husband or wive's addiction. 

No matter how you look at it, putting abuse, pornography, and other forms of exploitation into a marriage is not healthy one bit.

This year, the week is going to be all about setting the record straight and finding the truth. Exposing pornography and abuse for what they really are: crap. And not anywhere near a semblance of true love.

True love is respect. It's concern for one another and caring about each other. 

Exploitation is the opposite of that. 

And no one should mistake that. 

We all deserve respect, concern, caring, peace, and support. If not from anyone else, then ourselves. Though you should always remember that the Savior has this for you and more.

What do you think true love is?

It affects you, whether you know or not

A spouse is dealing with their husband's or wife's addiction, even if they don't know about it. Because whether you recognize it or not, if the addiction is there you will react to it.

It's like the Elephant in the room. Even if you don't see the Elephant to know what it is, you will see the crushed furniture, you will smell that beautiful aroma (gross) and you will hear some weird sounds.

Ok, that's a bad example. But it fits. Even if you don't see the addiction to know what it is, you may notice things like moodiness, lack of empathy, you may hear stories that don't quite match up. Things like that.

It may sound weird, but this comforted me a little when I found out about my family member's addiction. Why? Because up until finding out about the addiction there were a ton of seemingly unexplainable things. He would fight with me over the strangest things, he would be moody and get upset over things like me asking if he could grab me a drink of water (when I was sick and pregnant). These things made me feel awful and worried about why our relationship was struggling like that. I hated being growled and grunted at. Yes, growled and grunted at. Literally: GRRRRRRRRRR! A deep, gutteral sound from the stomach... Just a few examples of my personal experience.

Finding out about the addiction was like a puzzle piece for me. An aha moment. The comfort came in knowing that all of those things were NOT NORMAL. That there was a massive influencing factor. That maybe it didn't have to be like that forever.

Because there were even bigger influencing factors, I am no longer in a relationship with this person. But, even so, I am grateful for this knowledge that all of those things that happened before finding out about the addiction were NOT NORMAL. As a friend, a spouse, a parent, a kid, it is good to know that that those kinds of things should not be a part of your relationship. Our relationship was never given a normal chance because the addiction was always a part of it, I just didn't know it. There was nothing normal about our relationship. Which helps me to put things in perspective.

New: $500 DISCOUNT for the LifeStar 6 day Intensive Outpatient Program !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so excited to post this coupon!!!!!!! We posted a similar coupon last year, and I have been looking forward to doing this again!

Life Star is a therapy network that specializes in treatment for pornography and sexual addiction. I personally think that they are amazing! This year they have agreed to give you a $500 discount towards their 6 day Intensive Outpatient Program.

And, honestly, who couldn't use a $500 discount? Treatment for an addiction is such an important thing, and getting that treatment for a good price is so helpful!

The 6-day Intensive Outpatient program is for pornography and sexual addicts who need a boost in their recovery. For more information on the program, visit: http://www.lifestartherapy.com/take-your-life-back/  .

All you have to do is call 888-980-1600 through February 23, 2016, mention this blog and coupon, and they will give you a $500 discount. How awesome is that!!!

Call the number - 888-980-1600

Visit the website - http://www.lifestartherapy.com/take-your-life-back/

Even if you are just wanting to find out more about the program, give them a call and they'll help you out.

Don't forget to mention the Get to the Gist blog to get your discount. Do it quick, because this offer is only good through February 23, 2016!

What to know about your spouse's addiction

I almost didn't write this post for two reasons:

1) It makes me want to throw up.

2) This post could be a major trigger for the spouse of an addict. So, if this is you, be very wary of reading this.

I am purposefully going to write vaguely here. There are a lot of things that I am not going to include, lots of details that I am not going to spell out. Because all addicts and addictions are going to be different. Just because one addict is involved in something, doesn't mean that another addict is.

So, why write this post?

Because all spouses of addicts reach a point where they panic and think, "what is my spouse involved in?" "What do I even look for?" "Help!"

So, I am going to go into what I personally think every spouse of an addict needs to ask their spouse about their addiction. Before you follow my thoughts here, ask a therapist what they think about my thoughts and what you should do. I am not so much giving advice as I am sharing what I have seen. Especially the more dangerous and threatening your situation is, these thoughts are not for you. If you are in a dangerous circumstance, go talk to an appropriate person for your case. Maybe that is a women's shelter, the police, a therapist, or a lawyer. Only you know.

1) What is the plan for nipping this addiction in the bud? Are they willing to talk to a therapist? Clergy? Both?

2) Lots of spouses immediately ask how long the addiction has been going on for, where the spouse has been accessing the pornography, etc.  Be careful about how many details you ask for. Before you ask any details, make sure it is for something you really want or need to know. Once you know you can't forget easily.

3) Does your addiction include porn that includes children? This is a major, major red flag that I think scares the crud out of each and every spouse of an addict.  Because addictions having to do with children are different. They are not the same. Once someone crosses that line, they don't just uncross it. Talk to your therapist about this if your spouse is involved with this kind of obscenity.

4) Any one night stands/ affairs/ or the like? Aside from wanting to know if this is involved in your marriage, it might make a difference in whether you need to go and get tested for STDs.

5) Are there any stashes of porn in your home? You don't want there to be ANY chance that your children come across those types of images, videos or texts. Yes, texts. The written word can be used for a lot of crud.


I am sure there are other things you should know, other things you should ask. There is a whole list I could post about the types of things addicts get into, but it would shock people. Most people would be shocked to find out what is available even close to your house.

What I would stress, and I have written posts about this in the past, is that you DO NOT GO LOOKING TO SEE WHAT YOUR SPOUSE LOOKED AT. When I first heard of a spouse doing that, I felt sick for them. I understand that they are in a state of panic and confusion, but you don't want that in your head. Find the phrase "Dead Deer" in my topic cloud to the right and see what I wrote on the subject.  And make sure you THINK REALLY HARD before asking any questions you may regret. Once you know the answer, you can't un-know it.

And, know that everything will be ok. It's hard, but many people come out of this stronger and sometimes even closer to their spouse than they were before. Sometimes it doesn't work out, the circumstances are too dangerous or what not and the marriage ends. Either way, there is hope for happiness.

Again, this is very heavy stuff. Talk to a therapist about it before you just take my observations.                                                                                                                              

You just found out that your spouse is a pornography addict

 For the purpose of this article, we are going to focus on women, though there are plenty men who are the spouse of an addict.



So you just found out that your husband is a pornography addict.

I am so sorry, and I send you a hug!

Lots of things may start to make sense to you. Maybe your husband had become more distant in the past, maybe he'd become more moody. Pornography and sex addiction changes a person. It literally changes their brain and it desensitizes them. Pornography is a crash course in dehumanization and objectification.

2 things to know:

1) Your husband's addiction is NOT YOUR FAULT. It is NOT ABOUT YOU.  Addiction cycles are beasts! Addictions consume you. Nothing about you caused your husband's addiction. Your appearance, your homemaking skills, etc. etc. etc. Nothing you could or could not have done would have caused his addiction. This is a choice he made, and you have nothing to do with it.

2) There is hope. I don't know your personal story, I don't know the situation you are in. But there is hope. If your situation is such that you and your husband are no longer together, then there is hope for you, for happiness, for healing. If you have the chance to work on your marriage, then there is hope for your marriage, for happiness, for healing.


What do do now: (Note: your situation is unique to you. You know what is best, and what you need to do. Some people find themselves in very dangerous situations. If this is the case, call and talk to a women's crisis center or shelter or another person that you know is the place to go. Or a lawyer, I don't know. Call your parents. The point is that my thoughts will not work for every situation. Be aware and act smart.)

1) Go talk to a therapist who specializes in this type of addiction. Hopefully your husband will go with you and the therapist will come up with a therapy plan. No money? Find out if your insurance will help, if the therapists have scholarships or if your church might help you with some of the costs. There are also free or discounted or normal paid church therapy programs. There are also books written by therapists specializing in sexual addiction and codependency.

Lots of spouses of addicts benefit from going to see their own therapist. You are going through your own trauma, and just like other types of trauma, it is good for you to get help with it.

2 ) Go talk to your church clergy. Get the spiritual support and help that you need.

3) Get a support structure. Legitimate support groups, therapy groups, family and friends that are good listeners, etc. No one should have to go through this feeling alone. And, unfortunately, you aren't alone. Lots of people are going through this same thing.

4) Take care of yourself. Keep to your prayers, your spiritual health and study, etc. Keep to church.  Stay groomed, eat well, etc. Do NOT change anything about you to try and fit what your husband might see in porn. It doesn't do any good for anyone, it won't help.

5) Go to my Addiction tab at the top of this page and read my addiction articles. They act as kind of a FAQ for spouses and addicts as I interviewed therapists when writing them.


But first, before you do anything, take a deep breath. I'm sure you feel like you're walking through Hell right now. What you need to realize is that you were already in this situation before, it's just that you are now realizing it. Knowing that you are going through Hell is a heck of a lot better than knowing something is wrong and not having a clue. Knowing that you are in Hell is the first step in being able to get out of it.

Some therapists say to not make any big decisions within the first year of finding out about your spouse's addiction. Sometimes this doesn't work, but you can see where they would suggest this in general. I will post about this more later.

Hugs! It will all be ok!

Again, I don't know your particular situation. I am not a therapist, lawyer, etc. This is just my personal reaction or my personal thoughts.

Also, I go into more detail about the things I talk about here throughout my past blog posts.

Good luck to you! And again, I am so sorry that you are dealing with this!!!!!

A year with the spouses of addicts

Hello, All!


Guess What? Guess What! Guess What! Guess What!

Today marks the 1 year anniversary of my blog! Celebrate!!!!!!  A year ago today I wrote a 1 or two sentance post welcoming you to my blog and telling you to stay tuned for posts.

It's been a crazy year!

It's very interesting to look back at my blog's stats. Almost all, with I think 2 acceptions, of my top viewed blog posts are about dealing with a family member's sexual addiction or fighting the pornography or related industries.

What are the 2 acceptions? My "finding the Real Deal" posts where I did my ice cream sandwich experiments. Find it here:  Finding the Real Deal Part 2

But I suppose that is to be expected. How do you beat ice cream?

I wanted to say thank you. I have had some great experiences through this blog, and I appreciate you all. There is definitely a club of sorts, a group of people out there who are all dealing with similar issues.

If there is one thing that I have learned, and that I hope you have learned too, it's that no one is alone in this endeaver.

There are many out there who are hurting, many out there that are healing. Many out there who feel that their marriage is hanging on a thread and many out there who are looking for help.

I talk about no one being alone all the time because things like pornography addiction in a spouse tends to make you feel isolated. To put it bluntly, sexual addictions are designed to do 3 things to the spouse: 1) destroy self confidence 2) knock you down 3) make you feel isolated . That is why I will say it until I am blue in the face and mistaken for a broken record.

You are not alone.  All you have to do is walk down the street and you'll probably pass multiple people who are hurt, heartbroken, and dispairing over their spouse's addiction. Many of them are hurting financially, having spent most of their money on expensive therapy or maybe their spouse spent the money on his or her addiction. They feel as isolated as you do, probably not talking in any detail to anyone about what they are going through. Because they feel it reflects on them.

And yet, if time could pause itself and all of the family members of addicts were the only one's not frozen, I would guess that everyone would find themselves un-paused. If only spouses were un-paused even, you would find how many men and women were there with you.

Because everyone is affected in some way. Everyone has a connection to some heartache caused by addiction, whether they know it or not. There are just too many people who are suffering under the weight of sexual addiction. Too many addicts who are going through their own version of hell, too many spouses and families who are unfortunately taken along for the hellish ride.

But, if there is one thing to take from this all, is that you are not alone.

I wish with all of my heart that I could tell you that you are by yourself in this. That no one else is dealing with what you are dealing with. Because I wish this wasn't such a widespread problem. But that isn't the case. And you are not alone, not even close.

There are a lot of people in the same place as you, glad to know that they are not alone.

This has been a great year. But this next year is going to be even better. I have some fun things planned, and I can't wait to see how they go!

Thanks again!

Jenelle

When Church and prayer seems like the worst, remember it's the best.

There is a certain amount of peace that comes from going to church. I love to learn about a God who loves me and a savior that loves me so much that he would give his life for me. I love to learn ways that I and my family can be happier.

But sometimes those things make it HARD to go to church, too!

Soon before my divorce process started, things at home were rough. To say the least. It was traumatic, it was sad. During that time it was hard to go to church because I felt like all I did at church was try not to cry. I'd hear a song that reminds me that Heavenly Father will support me during my trials... and I'd cry. I'd hear a lesson on marriage... and I'd cry. I'd feel the peace that comes with going to church ... I'd cry. I'd feel the peace of praying... I'd cry.

You get the point. Generally it wasn't full out crying, but trying NOT to.

I basically went to church and continuously tried not to cry.

But I went anyway. Because I knew that feeling that peace and crying because I felt loved was better than not going and not feeling the peace of going to church and still crying anyway. I still needed the truth I learned at church, I still needed that help.

And eventually it got easier. And then easier turned into easy. Going helped to boost me up.

Of course I still run into things that remind me of heartache. And that is hard. But then I turn to God again and he helps me through it.

I think that is why some people have a hard time praying or attending church, even when they know it is true. Because, especially with praying, you put your self out there and feel vulnerable. This can sometimes seem scary when you are just trying to hold it all together.

But remember that church, prayer, reflection, taking a deep breath, resting, its all there to help you and sort things out.

Use these tools to help you get through your trials and find some peace. Do it now so that you save yourself some pain and heartache later.

If you could do something to help ease your pain, wouldn't you?

What is a WOPA?

It may surprise you to learn that I had never heard the term WOPA until reading some of the WOPA blogs that I follow. It's pretty self explanatory:

WOPA: Wife Of a Porn (and sex) Addict

Though the title brings with it a mixture of emotions, I think there is value in feeling and knowing that you aren't alone. That this is a thing, for good or bad, and that there are other WOPA's out there who share in your type of experience.

It's like a club that no one wants to be in, but those who are in it can take comfort from each other.

Being a WOPA does not define you, though it will try.
It simply describes your situation, your trials, and your marriage.

If you are a WOPA you have already survived a great trial. You obviously have great strength and endurance (even if it doesn't feel like it). Many women, whether married to an addict, divorced from an addict, or having dated an addict, should realize how strong they are from having gone through that struggle.

Just because you can't see your own strength does not mean it isn't there.

Without even having met you, I can tell that you are strong. No one survives being a WOPA without having a massive inner strength. Of course that strength is tested, of course that strength is stretched. But it is there. Whether or not you can see it, it is there.


On a totally different subject, can you find the bee in the flower picture at the beginning (or end) of this post? I promise it is there. Even if you can't see it. :)

Their Thoughts Don't Affect Your Worth

Don't ever think that someone elses thoughts or actions can effect your worth.

Someone who truly understands your worth would never put it down. And maybe they just don't understand. Maybe they can't right now. But, frankly, even friends or family who believe your worth is infinite don't fully get how amazing your worth is. How can they? Being human means that we aren't perfect. That we don't understand it all. 

No matter the case. Whatever other people feel about you. Whatever you feel about yourself. Your potential is barely tapped.

Some people say things that they shouldn't. This isn't a reflection on you. It's a reflection on their state of mind.

Don't ever devalue yourself.

Does a nasty, flat rat reflect on you personally?

In case you don't follow me on twitter (which, you should follow me @Jenelle_Stone ), I thought I'd tell you about a very harrowing experience that will scar me forever.

Now, the way I see it, there are three types of hardships. Self-Prescribed, Natural, and Someone Else-Prescribed.

If you did something to directly give you a trial or hardship, then it is self prescribed. If someone else did something that resulted in you going through a trial, then it is someone else-prescribed. If your trial came about naturally or without fault to anyone specifically, then it is a natural hardship.

I think we all go through each type of hardship throughout our lives to make us stronger, to teach us, and to test us.

At least in my opinion.

So the other day I met a swindler, a master of destruction, a real RAT!

No, really. It was a real rat. Well, actually, it was a gopher or a vole or something.

We have pocket gophers, which I have seen on a regular basis, but this guy looks so much smaller.

Anyway, I stepped on him in my garden without realizing it, tracked him out into the yard, and then looked down and freaked out! Maggots crawled out of the dead rodent, which made it worse.

See his nasty looking teeth?

                                          

Ack!

I had to wash my shoes, scoop up the flat, dead creature and dispose of it.

Honestly, how am I supposed to overcome that kind of trauma?!!!

Now, I am tempted to ask, "Why Me?" or "Why did this happen to me?"

But sometimes things happen that have no reflection on us. I didn't go looking to step on a rodent. No one tried to put the rodent in my path so that I would step on it. This occurred naturally. It just happened.

NATURAL HARDSHIP!

Your trials don't always reflect you personally, especially if they are brought on naturally or by someone else's decisions.

Like with spouses of addicts. You hear all the time that your spouse's addiction is not about you. And it's true! Their addiction does not create you or define you. It will try, though. A spouse's addiction will try to make you feel awful about yourself. But it is false. It doesn't reflect on you at all.


Your trials don't always reflect on you personally.

Now, not following me on twitter (@Jenelle_Stone) will reflect on you personally. I'm just saying.

Do you want to know the details?

Remember I am not a therapist. These are just my thoughts.

It is so tempting for the spouse of a pornography and sex addict to want to know all of the details of their spouse's addiction. I personally think it's because you want to know what is going on, where exactly your spouse and marriage stands and how deep they are into it. You want to understand, you want to know and figure things out.

But this is very, very dangerous. Because knowing all of the little details can make you feel worse.

I think that the addict should be very forthcoming and honest about his or her addiction, and that they should answer any questions that their spouse has. Completely and honestly. 

I also think that you as the spouse of an addict should really think things through before you ask. Ask yourself if the information you seek is really needed. 

For example, I would definitely want to know about the major details of the addiction. How long they've been into this stuff, what does that stuff include (like, is this all on the internet, phone lines, etc.), how have they been accessing or finding this stuff, how often do they engage in this kind of activity? Does their addiction include anything having to do with children? 

It's not a fun conversation(s).

But then there is the stuff that won't help you and will only make you obsess. Do you really want to know the names of the women whom they've been looking at (if they even know)? Ok, I just made that question up on the spot. But it gives you an idea of somethings you might ask in a moment of pain and hurt that later won't help you at all. 

On the other hand, that question may be very appropriate. If you can't think of a situation where that question would be needed, then good. Be glad that you can't.

Aggh! It's not an exact science by any means, but it is something to think about. 

Consider what information you need and what information will only make you obsess. Though many times these two things coincide. :( 

"I feel so low and your head is high"

WARNING: THIS POST AND THE LINKS ARE FULL OF SOME VERY SERIOUS TRIGGERS FOR THE SPOUSE OF AN ADDICT. TREAD WITH CAUTION, OR DON'T READ.

For those of you who don't know my very well, I am a major fan of 80's music! I was listening to a compilation of 80's songs the other day and T'Pau's "Heart and Soul" came on.

I loved the sound of this song, but had never really known the words before. So, I looked them up.

And Whoah! This song is totally relateable for anyone who has ever been in a "complicated" relationship, had a spouse with a pornography or sex addiction, had a spouse that participated in affairs, etc.

The whole song is about how she loves this guy but he isn't reciprocating that love back to her. She realizes he never did, and that he's been lying to her. The songs says he left her for another. Part of her wants him to make it right and give her "love, heart and soul." But the other part of her doesn't want him around. Her blood runs cold when she realizes that he is coming back.

Part of me is mad. Couldn't this song just have been a fun, 80's song and not some deep meaning, heart felt ballad?

But, this song hits the spouse of an addict predicament on the head of the nail.

Check out the lyrics- http://www.metrolyrics.com/heart-and-soul-lyrics-t-pau.html

And then listen to it as you read the lyrics. If you've been through something like this, I'll bet you'll get the shivers.

I still love this song anyway.

His or her addiction is NOT about you. Individual worth Week, Day 5

A couple days ago I wrote a post that was all about you. Today I am writing a post on why it is not all about you. Today I am focusing on the Spouses of pornography/sex addicts, though I am sure everyone can relate to this in some way.

But before we talk about addiction, let's set the record straight in some other areas.

The Number 5, while very visible, has nothing to do with the moving of the minute hand. The hands will spin no matter what the #5 does or does not do. In fact, we could remove the number 5 and the minute hand will still move around the face of the clock. 

It is NOT the #5's fault that the minute hand moves.

It's NOT about the #5. 

It's about the batteries in the back of the clock.

This candle is sitting on tile. But no matter what kind of floor the candle sits on, it can still be lit.

It is not the tile's fault that this candle can be lit. 

It isn't about the tile or any other kind of floor. 

It's about the candle bowing to the match and fire.

The same pole that holds up and supports the flag cannot determine if the flag waves in the wind.

It's not the pole's decision if the flag waves.

It isn't about the pole.

It's about the wind and lack of starch.

Hamilton's image has no idea that this bill is worth $10. The Government could decide to put Captain Picard's picture on this bill, and it would still be worth $10.

Hamilton has no idea that the bill is worth $10. He's just a picture.

It isn't about Hamilton.

It's about who the government decides to put on the bill. They can make their own choices.

It's not the consumer's fault that the milk on this box looks delicious when really it is probably glue.

Seriously, it looks real!

The chocolate in these indoor smores could be old and stale, and it would not be the marshmallow's fault. They are two separate things. And while the end product, the smores, might suffer, the marshmallows are still fresh and delicious.

The marshmallow's have to deal with the chocolate, but they do not cause the grossness.

This towel is blue. Being blue is a huge part of this towel. This towel is also dry. However, it is not the color blue's fault that the towel is dry. This towel could be red and it would still be dry.

It's not the color blue's fault that this towel is dry.

It isn't about the color blue.

It's about the towel having been dried.

The husband's pornography addiction is not the wife's fault. She could be someone else, have a different body type, pretend to be ok with things she isn't, and he would still have his addiction. She could change completely and he would still be an addict. A therapist once told me that an addict could be married to a porn star and he would still have the addiction. 

No amount of makeup, diets, or the wife's actions will get rid of the husband's addiction.

Because it isn't about the wife. 

It isn't the wife's fault that her husband is an addict.

IT IS NOT ABOUT THE WIFE!

It's about the addict and his addiction.

Your individual worth is great. And no matter what anyone else does or says, your worth will not change. There are always people who will try to make you think that your worth is lessening in an attempt to excuse away their own actions. 

This is ridiculous.

It's like blaming the #5 for the spinning of the minute hand. 

It's simply ridiculous.

A small look at how pornography/sex addiction affects the spouse

WARNING: This post is full of potential triggers for the spouse.

Finding out that your spouse is a pornography/sex addict messes with your entire life.

For starters, many feel like they loose the "safe place" that they thought their marriage was. Physical safety is complicated, since your spouse is going outside of your marriage for sexual activity. Yes, that is what viewing pornography is. Many people just don't understand the whole pornography-sexual gratification connection. But, in blunt words, the whole point of pornography viewing is to get your system going and experience a perverted version of the reaction that many feel should be kept within a marriage. This is not simply looking at pictures. If that were the case, we'd have Picasso addicts.

And we haven't even started talking about the side effects of affairs.

How is the wife or husband supposed to react to that? That their spouse, for whatever reason, is going outside of their relationship.

It's hard. Seriously hard.

Mental Safety is out the window. Addiction is greatly made up of lies. Lies that grow as the addiction grows. How do you trust your spouse that has been lying to you for months, years, decades? How do you confide in them when you know that they have a very serious second life? There are addicts that view pornography, go to massage parlors, chat rooms, strippers, hookers, sex phone lines, "work wives," etc. etc. etc. And how do they generally do all of this? Through lies. And it makes their spouse question everything in the past. They question happy memories, family pictures, vacations. Because these things now symbolize mementos from a time when they didn't know they were being lied to. "At the time this picture was taken, he was actually seeing this other woman..." that kind of thing.

And, speaking of mental safety, there is nothing like a porn addiction to make a wife feel like she is inadequate. Intimately, physically, she questions her looks and body figure. Lots of women start thinking "If only I was a better..." Housekeeper, wife, listener, mother, etc. etc. etc. Your self esteem plummets. Strong, strong women get pummeled under the crushing blows of a partner's pornography and sex addiction, and it is all they can do to not grimace at themselves when they walk past a mirror. Sometimes a woman will feel that their reflection symbolizes what their husband rejected, what they feel their husband thought wasn't good enough. Because that is how they feel. Rejected. Not good enough.

And then you get the addicts who outright tell their spouses that the addiction is their fault. That they aren't good enough. That they aren't satisfying. That if they could only give them what they want then there wouldn't be an issue.

Not all addicts are like that. But lots of them are.

They don't get that they could be having intercourse with a different woman every day and they would STILL have the addiction. Because the addiction is NOT about the spouse. It's about the addict being caught up in this never ending, addictive cycle where the addict has to keep climbing the steps and trying to find "the next best thing."

Addictions are a cycle. They go round and round, up and down, up and down. It's tiring. Lies, followed by lies, followed by admission (sometimes), followed by lies. The addict's anger, followed by moodiness, followed by a brief moment of peace, followed by anger, followed by moodiness, followed by a brief moment of peace.

And addiction builds upon itself. Once one kind of pornography doesn't work for an addict anymore, he or she will move on to another, worse type of pornography. Before long, the addict is into some really disturbing, unnerving things to be able to get his or her fix. These kinds of addictions lead to acting out, going deeper into the addiction, etc.

And then, at some point, it may all stop working. These stories of addicts who have to watch porn while they are having intercourse with their spouse to be able to get roused are unfortunately very common. Addicts often lose their sense of empathy. They lose their ability to see humans as humans. People become un-unique, dis-enchanting, things.

Pornography is a crash course in learning how to view people as objects.

And then you get the addicts who want their spouses to reenact what the addict saw in the porn.

The whole 50 shades thing... people have died from those types of addictive relationships.

Pedophelia? From what I have been told, you don't come back from that. It isn't the same type of addiction. There are some lines that, once crossed, cannot be crossed back over.

There are different levels of sex addiction. Pray that no one in your family ever has to experience them. From either the side of the spouse or the side of the addict or the side of the kids.

There was a visitor at my church who once described the addict's admission as throwing up. The addict tells all of these details, things they are into, and then after they throw it all up they feel better. But all of that throw up has to go somewhere, and it ends up all over the wife.

Some addicts are really bad about things. They can be aggressive, abusive, mean. And some addicts seem to hit a point where they turn a new leaf. Not that they can let down their guard. Addicts can relapse after years of sobriety.

There are so many things I can write here. So many things I haven't even touched base on. But lots of people just don't get and understand all of this until they've gone through it or been close enough to watch someone else go through it.

And, I know this was a post of doom and gloom, but there really is hope for many marriages. Lots of marriages come back stronger for working through this. And some REALLY great guys and girls have this awful addiction. The addict is in pain, too. They aren't happy, they aren't fulfilled, they aren't getting anywhere good. I feel for them. Luckily there are places, therapists, church leaders who can help them figure it out.

But don't forget these spouses. One thing I tell any spouse of an addict that I meet is that they are very strong. Even if I don't know them I know that they must be a strong, super-hero type person. Because no one can go through the Hell (literally applied here) of a partner's sex addiction and retain even the smallest ounce of normalcy without them being anything less than a warrior.

Lots of spouses hide their addict spouse's activities. They are embarrassed, afraid of it reflecting on them. But really they need support. Support from people who understand what the spouse goes through.

A while back I wrote an article called,

"Your spouse has a pornography addiction, now what?"

check it out here on KSL.com: http://www.ksl.com/index.php?sid=32810176&nid=1010&title=your-spouse-has-a-pornography-addiction-now-what

It goes into this topic a little bit more.

I also wrote a sister piece for the addict, which you can find here: http://www.ksl.com/?sid=32628307&nid=1010&title=you-have-a-pornography-addiction-now-what&s_cid=queue-1