Call it what it is - a bucket of Lard.

It really is just a bucket of lard.

Is this sad news? Maybe. It might have been cooler if it was a bucket of ice cream or something.

But instead it is a bucket of pig fat.

MMMMMMMM......

But, don't  be too disappointed. It is good to be honest about these things and call it what it is. Because now you know what to do with it.

It's like when you hear someone say, "I always knew something was wrong in my marriage, I just didn't know what. And then when I found out my spouse had an addiction, I was devastated. But now I at least know what we are dealing with, which means we know what kind of help we need and we can hopefully figure it out."

It's like you've been eating lard all these years, thinking it was ice cream and wondering why the taste was so wrong.

It doesn't work like that.

Lard will never be ice cream. But, with hard work and a little bit of help, it can become stronger... I mean, it can become a flaky pie crust or yummy fried chicken.

But it will never become stronger... I mean a flaky pie crust or yummy fried chicken...if you keep calling it ice cream.

So, yes. You have a bucket of lard. But at least now you know, and can look forward to a hopefully yummy dinner.

For lard inspiration, visit: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/04/28/cooking-with-lard-baking_n_5212804.html

Online vs. Real Women

"But I am right here. How could you go looking for something totally fake and bad when something totally real and good is right in front of you."

It's hard to fathom.

Do you think if a pornography addict was being mugged and Superman came to rescue him, he'd turn superman away and just show the mugger a picture of superman?

Because yeah, that's about how much sense the addiction makes too.

Because it isn't about superman. Superman can be awesome and have super strength and speed and the addict would still have his addiction.

Wait, I think I got that wrong . . .

Redo:

Because it isn't about the wife. The wife can be awesome and creepily and falsely "perfect" in every way and the addict would still have his addiction.

In real life, woman are REAL. Our bodies aren't perfect, and most of us are just trying to get everything done in the short 24 hours we humans like to call: a day!

But none of that matters. We are real. We are hopeful, and want the best in life. We are REAL! We are GOOD! We are of WORTH!

But the addiction has taken over. Which means that very real, good things won't be receiving the attention they deserve.

But it helps to know that it isn't personal (even if the addict says it is). Someone else's choices can not effect my worth. And someone else's issues do not reflect on me.

I can be real, and that is NORMAL.



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It affects you, whether you know or not

A spouse is dealing with their husband's or wife's addiction, even if they don't know about it. Because whether you recognize it or not, if the addiction is there you will react to it.

It's like the Elephant in the room. Even if you don't see the Elephant to know what it is, you will see the crushed furniture, you will smell that beautiful aroma (gross) and you will hear some weird sounds.

Ok, that's a bad example. But it fits. Even if you don't see the addiction to know what it is, you may notice things like moodiness, lack of empathy, you may hear stories that don't quite match up. Things like that.

It may sound weird, but this comforted me a little when I found out about my family member's addiction. Why? Because up until finding out about the addiction there were a ton of seemingly unexplainable things. He would fight with me over the strangest things, he would be moody and get upset over things like me asking if he could grab me a drink of water (when I was sick and pregnant). These things made me feel awful and worried about why our relationship was struggling like that. I hated being growled and grunted at. Yes, growled and grunted at. Literally: GRRRRRRRRRR! A deep, gutteral sound from the stomach... Just a few examples of my personal experience.

Finding out about the addiction was like a puzzle piece for me. An aha moment. The comfort came in knowing that all of those things were NOT NORMAL. That there was a massive influencing factor. That maybe it didn't have to be like that forever.

Because there were even bigger influencing factors, I am no longer in a relationship with this person. But, even so, I am grateful for this knowledge that all of those things that happened before finding out about the addiction were NOT NORMAL. As a friend, a spouse, a parent, a kid, it is good to know that that those kinds of things should not be a part of your relationship. Our relationship was never given a normal chance because the addiction was always a part of it, I just didn't know it. There was nothing normal about our relationship. Which helps me to put things in perspective.

I wish I had stood up for the importance of friendship

When I found out about my loved one's addiction I didn't know how to hang out with or even just message friends anymore. I didn't feel like I could talk about the things going on in my life. I didn't want to tell them about that loved one moving out of the house. I didn't want to tell them about the situation that was taking up all of my family's time, money, and energy. I was tired, and I didn't want to talk about the thing that was consuming all of our lives.

And even before I found out about the addiction, my loved one had told me that we didn't need friends. And lets just say that hanging out with friends was not smiled upon.

It is called isolation. And there are reasons that people, many times addicts, would want you to feel isolated.

But, looking back now, I wish that I had stood up for the importance of friendship.

Because friendship is important, too.

Even if you aren't able to hang out with friends as often as you'd like (because, lets face it, life is crazy and busy), it might be helpful to drop them a small "How's it going?" message once in a while. You don't have to spend a ton of time together to keep up a friendship.

At one point, while talking to one of my friends about some of what I was going through, she got this look on her face and then divulged that she was going through a similar thing.

Oh how sad that we could have both pulled from that friendship, yet there we were, both holding in our trials and keeping it to ourselves.

Keep your friends close.                      

(Note: I am really bad at suddenly realizing that it has been years since I have talked to a friend. Years pass quickly, and that's life. So, if you are a friend of mine, maybe take the initiative and send me a letter. :) )

My Armor

Ever heard the phrase, "Take it with a grain of salt?"

That's pretty much the rule of thumb when talking with a sex addict. At least in my life. I get called all sorts of names and things, I get blamed for everything under the sun.

I take it all with a grain of salt. I'm used to it. Which is bitter sweet. At one point, no one should be used to that kind of treatment. On the other hand, it doesn't reach me any more. Say what he will, I know it isn't true.

My skin is a lot thicker now than it was right after I found out about the addiction. I have an armor on that I hadn't even know I needed before. So, how do you get that armor? How do you get thicker skin?

Don't give in to the lies.

Someone says you aren't worth anything? Don't feel bad for yourself, feel bad for them. What you are seeing is their own insecurities.

All addicts are human, they are not all knowing beings who can evaluate your worth.

NONE OF US ARE QUALIFIED TO EVALUATE ANYONE'S WORTH. Not even our own. Worth is something so great, so far beyond our human comprehension.

In the movies, the soldiers often put on their armor before they get attacked. They prepare. They can see the attack coming and they gear up. They put on their armor, they say their prayers, and they get their family to a safe place.

Unfortunately, I think too many family members of addicts earn their armor after the attack has started. It's disorienting to suddenly find yourself in a war zone, to suddenly realize that you need emotional (and sometimes physical) protection. (Note: I don't ever condone someone staying in a dangerous situation. If you are in danger, get to someplace safe.)

These family members generally earn their armor with each blow. Each mean word, each blame, each lie can scar.

The best way to put on your armor? Pray. Pray for help. Pray for the addict in your life that he or she will find their way to truth and health. Pray for your family. Pray for yourself, to be able to withstand the attacks and to be in a safe place. To be able to make the best decisions.

So, take it from me. Learn from my and your experiences. Don't let in the lies about you. Their addiction is not your fault. You are enough. You are worth it. You have infinite worth. You are beautiful, and you are precious.

Precious is not a word reserved for babies and kittens. You. YOU are precious.

Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.