The Dreaded Question: How are you?

Ok, this is a strange thing here. I may or may not have already posted this. I didn't think I had posted it, it was marked as "Draft," but then when I went to post it it acted like it had been posted as of the day I originally created it. I made sure that it wasn't posted anywhere and now I am officially posting it. If you haven't read this yet, then huzzah! If you have, then I am sorry. Oops.



I think there comes a point in everyone's life where you hate the question:

"How Are You?"

A loved one dies, your marriage is suffering, you're having infertility problems, your children are making choices that give you tons of grief. Whatever the issue,

And then comes the follow up lie:

"We're good."

or

"We're fine."

Ok, maybe "lie" is too strong of a description. Because the goal is to go through these things in life and still find happiness. But you know what I mean. Those times when your real answer would sound something more like:

"I'm not good, actually. I feel used, betrayed, ugly. I've never cried so much in my life and my husband's therapy bills, while totally worth it, are going to send us to the poor house. But, yeah, other than that I'm good!"

or

"I'm good except for every time I meet with my friends, log onto facebook or go to work. Everywhere I go people are announcing pregnancies. If one more person asks me when we are going to have kids, I think I'll scream."

or

"Someone I loved very much just passed away. Please don't ask me how I am doing."

We all do it. We all keep those thoughts to ourselfs and answer: "Fine." But, in all reality, it's a burden to answer with fine. Especially if your trials are being kept a secret. It makes you feel like you can't answer correctly, which means you may not be getting needed support.

There have been times in the past when I was going through something and I had family members ask me how I was doing. I answered with the lame old: Fine. But really I was wishing I could talk to them and get their support.

Make sure that you have someone to talk to, someone that you trust. I've blogged about this before, but I'll say it again. Don't keep this all inside. Therapist, clergy, ligitamite support group, trusted family member or friend. Or better yet, all of the above.

Find someone that you can answer truthfully to. No "Fine" or "Good."

This is important!

Is it withdrawals? ???

Someone once told me that an addict's mood may get worse before it gets better. Why? Because they may be going through withdrawals.

This was so frustrating to hear.

Because really, as spouses, you are already dealing with more crap than you ever thought you could handle. And, as addicts, I can imagine it's a bit of a scary jump. And, there's no way of sugarcoating this, but when someone is trapped in an addiction cycle they can be a bit of a . . . pill already.  So to say that it could get worse is super scary.

One of the most frustrating things about this is that the spouse doesn't know if the addict is reacting to withdrawals or if his mood is still a reaction to the continuing addiction cycle. After the first few rounds of wondering this, only to find out that your spouse is not in fact having withdrawals? It's exhausting.

I guess this all makes sense though. It's like the Little House on the Prairie episode where Pa is helping the drunk become sober. Or the episode where Pa is helping Albert get off of drugs. In each case they get a lot worse before they get better.

I love Little House on the Prairie Analogies.

Just because it is normal for someone to get moody durring wihdrawals doesn't mean it's good. I think that addicts sometimes forget that everyone around them is also being dragged through this saga.

To the Addicts: Your spouses are probably hanging on by a thread as it is, they are tired, they are sad, they may be feeling rejected to say the least. Obviously they want you to "sober up," but keep their feelings in mind while you are doing it. You will be much better off in the long run if you remember this. And so will your spouse. It is a lot easier to be nice than it is to try and take things back afterword.