Do you want to know the details?

Remember I am not a therapist. These are just my thoughts.

It is so tempting for the spouse of a pornography and sex addict to want to know all of the details of their spouse's addiction. I personally think it's because you want to know what is going on, where exactly your spouse and marriage stands and how deep they are into it. You want to understand, you want to know and figure things out.

But this is very, very dangerous. Because knowing all of the little details can make you feel worse.

I think that the addict should be very forthcoming and honest about his or her addiction, and that they should answer any questions that their spouse has. Completely and honestly. 

I also think that you as the spouse of an addict should really think things through before you ask. Ask yourself if the information you seek is really needed. 

For example, I would definitely want to know about the major details of the addiction. How long they've been into this stuff, what does that stuff include (like, is this all on the internet, phone lines, etc.), how have they been accessing or finding this stuff, how often do they engage in this kind of activity? Does their addiction include anything having to do with children? 

It's not a fun conversation(s).

But then there is the stuff that won't help you and will only make you obsess. Do you really want to know the names of the women whom they've been looking at (if they even know)? Ok, I just made that question up on the spot. But it gives you an idea of somethings you might ask in a moment of pain and hurt that later won't help you at all. 

On the other hand, that question may be very appropriate. If you can't think of a situation where that question would be needed, then good. Be glad that you can't.

Aggh! It's not an exact science by any means, but it is something to think about. 

Consider what information you need and what information will only make you obsess. Though many times these two things coincide. :( 

Don't Forget who YOU are! How an addiction affects the family.

Have you ever heard someone in a relationship with an addict say that they feel like they've changed? In someways I think people who have survived a relationship with an addict feel stronger. And in other ways I think they feel weaker.

I've noticed that being in any kind of relationship with an addict tends to TRY and wear you down and strip away your sense of self. Whether it's a sibling, a parent, a spouse, a child. Sometimes they feel like they are different from who they used to be. And not necessarily in a good way. Like they've lost their confidence in themselves. Is that because sometimes family members and spouse's of addicts just try and keep the peace? They keep trying to get their relationship back to a point of at least neutrality? All of your energy is going into just surviving in your marriage instead of thriving in it? I don't know.

And sometimes addicts do that to their spouses and family on purpose. Find the Power and Abuse wheel from one of my posts in February and you'll see what I mean. Sometimes addicts try and isolate their spouse, they try to limit their options, they say things that they shouldn't, they do things they shouldn't. And, lets face it, the basic actions of an addict make their spouses feel like they themselves are not enough. Which, though completely untrue, is what the spouses of addicts feel all the time.

I wonder if all of that numbs you.

It's a mess.

No wonder so many spouses feel like they've lost a part of themselves along the way.

Have you let go of parts of yourself? Are you not doing the things you enjoy? Have you forgotten who YOU are?

Watch the clip.




Every situation is different and I am not suggesting that you "confront the problem" necessarily. Don't take Edna Mode's advice on that one, maybe take your therapists advice on what to do. Every situation is different and "confront the problem" could put some women out there in a lot of danger. (I'm reminded of my anti-50 Shades week last month. There are women who end up in shelters or dead from abusive relationships.)

But what I do suggest you take from Edna Mode, is that you are Elasti-Girl! (Or, you know, whatever your name is) Pull yourself together and remember who you are! Not for "him," but for you. Don't drop the things that you enjoy and lose yourself amid the chaos.

Remember your super-self!

And the truth is, people change, grow, mature, gain new interests and responsibilities and that's ok. But forgetting yourself completely is not a good idea. Having peace in a relationship is important, but surrendering your interests, feelings and steadfastness is a dangerous thing to do.

Make sure you take care of yourself and do things you enjoy.

"You are Elasti-Girl! Pull yourself together!"

How the In-Laws React to Their Kid's Addiction

This subject bothers me quiite a bit. I think because it all boils down to basic kindness. Forget empathy, forget understanding. Basic kindness says that when someone has been ligitimately wronged in one way or another you don't add insult to injury by figuratively spitting in their face.

Some parents/ In-laws get that and some don't. I've heard it go both ways. It is very interesting to see what parents will do when they find out that their kid has an addiction and is harming or breaking up the marriage because of it.

Everytime I hear about an in-laws reaction, it seems to fall under one of two categories. It should be noted that when I generally hear of examples that fall under these two categories, the relationship is going visably sour in some way. Separation, divorce, that kind of thing.

1) The in-laws find out that their kid has an addiction and is harming their marriage and they basically write off the addict's spouse. They blame the addict's spouse for the problem, maybe they claim that the addict's spouse is overreacting, isn't being sympathetic toward their addict kid. If separated the addict's spouse may suddenly not be invited to family parties any more, alternate stories will be told as to why you are having problems or are separated.

Or the opposite:

2) The in-laws find out that their kid has an addiction and is harming their marriage and the In-laws put their foot down. They support their kid, help him to get help, but they are straight forward with the fact that just because their kid messed his relationship up doesn't mean that they as his parents are going to miss out on their grandchildren or daughter(or son) in-law. They tell it how it really is, simultaneously interested in getting their kid help and also keeping a good relationship with the addict's spouse and children.


VERY different stories. I personally think that In-Laws who fall into the first category are more interested in appearances than health, and I think the In-laws in the second category are more interested in health than they are appearances.

I get that a parent will generally support their own child over their child-In-Law. I get that. But then truly support them. Don't skirt around the issues, don't cover them up, and don't mess up your relationship with your child-In-Law and grandchildren just for the sake of pretending that your kid doesn't have a problem.

I love hearing stories about category 2 In-laws, though it seems to me those are much fewer and in-between. But to me, that is strength. Strength is hugging the spouse that your child wronged and saying "I'm sorry my kid put you through this."

I think it's harmful to your addict kid to cover up their addiction an pretend that it isn't a big deal and that the spouse is over-reacting.

Do you have a child who is an addict?

Please fall under category 2.