The Help

I just finished reading The Help. by Kathryn Stockett. I think it was one of my all time favorite books. Though I wish I had read it before watching the movie, because I couldn't get the movie out of my head. And, I'll admit, I LOVE the movie.


Aibileen, one of the main characters, finds that she has a talent for helping the children she raises to feel good about themselves. If you've seen the movie, you'll remember her saying:


"You is smart,
You is kind,
You is important."


In the book, she recognises that the more someone hears negative information the more they will believe it. She many times hopes that it isn't too late to teach the little girl she is raising about self-worth and respecting everyone.


I think it is never too late to realize your self worth. Or re-realize your self worth. There will always be the "Miss Hillys" who think they know all. I'm sure you personally know at least one "Miss Hilly" who tries his or her best to assign you the value that they made up.


There will always be people that treat you like that.


But, to quote Kathryn Stockett:


“Ever morning, until you dead in the ground, you gone have to make this decision. You gone have to ask yourself, "Am I gone believe what them fools say about me today?”
― Kathryn Stockett, The Help


And then you just have to live by the mantra, "I am smart, I am kind, I am important."


Wonderful, wonderful book.


If you've never read it, go check it out on Amazon:

You Are Worth it to Him

Their Thoughts Don't Affect Your Worth

Don't ever think that someone elses thoughts or actions can effect your worth.

Someone who truly understands your worth would never put it down. And maybe they just don't understand. Maybe they can't right now. But, frankly, even friends or family who believe your worth is infinite don't fully get how amazing your worth is. How can they? Being human means that we aren't perfect. That we don't understand it all. 

No matter the case. Whatever other people feel about you. Whatever you feel about yourself. Your potential is barely tapped.

Some people say things that they shouldn't. This isn't a reflection on you. It's a reflection on their state of mind.

Don't ever devalue yourself.

His or her addiction is NOT about you. Individual worth Week, Day 5

A couple days ago I wrote a post that was all about you. Today I am writing a post on why it is not all about you. Today I am focusing on the Spouses of pornography/sex addicts, though I am sure everyone can relate to this in some way.

But before we talk about addiction, let's set the record straight in some other areas.

The Number 5, while very visible, has nothing to do with the moving of the minute hand. The hands will spin no matter what the #5 does or does not do. In fact, we could remove the number 5 and the minute hand will still move around the face of the clock. 

It is NOT the #5's fault that the minute hand moves.

It's NOT about the #5. 

It's about the batteries in the back of the clock.

This candle is sitting on tile. But no matter what kind of floor the candle sits on, it can still be lit.

It is not the tile's fault that this candle can be lit. 

It isn't about the tile or any other kind of floor. 

It's about the candle bowing to the match and fire.

The same pole that holds up and supports the flag cannot determine if the flag waves in the wind.

It's not the pole's decision if the flag waves.

It isn't about the pole.

It's about the wind and lack of starch.

Hamilton's image has no idea that this bill is worth $10. The Government could decide to put Captain Picard's picture on this bill, and it would still be worth $10.

Hamilton has no idea that the bill is worth $10. He's just a picture.

It isn't about Hamilton.

It's about who the government decides to put on the bill. They can make their own choices.

It's not the consumer's fault that the milk on this box looks delicious when really it is probably glue.

Seriously, it looks real!

The chocolate in these indoor smores could be old and stale, and it would not be the marshmallow's fault. They are two separate things. And while the end product, the smores, might suffer, the marshmallows are still fresh and delicious.

The marshmallow's have to deal with the chocolate, but they do not cause the grossness.

This towel is blue. Being blue is a huge part of this towel. This towel is also dry. However, it is not the color blue's fault that the towel is dry. This towel could be red and it would still be dry.

It's not the color blue's fault that this towel is dry.

It isn't about the color blue.

It's about the towel having been dried.

The husband's pornography addiction is not the wife's fault. She could be someone else, have a different body type, pretend to be ok with things she isn't, and he would still have his addiction. She could change completely and he would still be an addict. A therapist once told me that an addict could be married to a porn star and he would still have the addiction. 

No amount of makeup, diets, or the wife's actions will get rid of the husband's addiction.

Because it isn't about the wife. 

It isn't the wife's fault that her husband is an addict.

IT IS NOT ABOUT THE WIFE!

It's about the addict and his addiction.

Your individual worth is great. And no matter what anyone else does or says, your worth will not change. There are always people who will try to make you think that your worth is lessening in an attempt to excuse away their own actions. 

This is ridiculous.

It's like blaming the #5 for the spinning of the minute hand. 

It's simply ridiculous.

An Open Letter to these trees. Individual Worth Week, Day 4!

Dear Trees in the park,

I'm sorry to be the one to tell you, but you pretty much stink at being trees. Maybe at one time you were pretty, but that time has passed. You aren't even worth the ground space that you take up.

You aren't beautiful, you aren't useful. In fact you are an eye sore.

In short, you are all worthless.

Everyone can clearly see that this tree is uglier than ugly. I mean, come on! Its trunk doesn't even grow straight! It's twisted and swirly, all uniform. Yuck!

There is no easy way to say this, but this tree has a crook in it. Totally not uniform.

This one is short.

Is that a knob? 

You couldn't just grow upwards?

Trunks? There shouldn't be two.

And I'm deducting points for the tacky birdhouse.

This shade has holes in it.

Yup. Everyone can plainly see how worthless these trees are.

No value whatsoever.

Rediculous!

Sincerely,

Sar Castic

Don't let anyone diminish the value of your tree. They obviously don't know what they are talking about.

Glitter and deep roots: dissecting this quote by J.R.R. Tolkein

"All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost; the old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by the frost."

 - J. R. R. Tolkien at BrainyQuote

"All that is gold does not glitter"

How true. The most important things in life cannot fit into your bank account.

"Not all those who wander are lost"

None one really has any idea what life has in store for them. That doesn't mean that they can't go forward with resolve, beliefs and purpose.

"The old that is strong does not wither"

Age alone does not have to effect resolve. 

"Deep roots are not reached by the frost"

I love this one. The tree with the strongest, deepest roots will better weather the storm. And storms will most definitely come. 

I love this quote!

Who's truth do you see in the mirror?

I'm going to get very personal here, more so than I usually do. Bear with me.

While I thoroughly believe that we all have infinite worth, remembering it is not always so easy.

A couple of years ago there came a point with the things I was dealing with in life where I had a hard time looking in the mirror. Because of what I felt my reflection symbolized. I didn't see me, I saw what I felt someone else I loved must see. It was... grotesque.

I saw the image of a girl that was disappointing and unsatisfying.

And, well, that's the truth about how I felt. Deep down I knew that I wasn't really gross, that I wasn't really ugly. But knowing that and practicing that are two different things.

And it made me sad. Sad because I hated that my self esteem had been hit so hard by someone else. Sad because I found I wasn't as strong as I thought I was. Why couldn't I have just let it roll off my shoulders? Why couldn't I have let the comments and actions  from that person go?

With time I have grown stronger. I now have a much thicker skin. But that thick skin was not an immediate thing. The more someone emotionally and mentally beats you down, you have a choice to make. Either you can fall under the blows or you can be realistic and see what they are doing for what it really is: bullying and lies.

Because seriously, that's all it is. Bullying and lies.

Do not go to anyone - I repeat ANYONE- else to discover your worth or beauty. It's great for your friends, your spouse, your parents to recognize your worth or to tell you that you look nice. But it isn't what's important. And frankly, don't go to yourself either. Sometimes we can be our own worst enemies.

Whether you believe in God's creation or not, it's pretty obvious that we are miraculous. And NOTHING can change that.

My article: 5 Lies About Pornography Addiction

My newest article was published this morning by Family Share!

Go check it out:

http://familyshare.com/5-lies-about-pornography-addiction

In it I talk about some of the lies and deceptions that a couple has to deal with when one of them has a pornography addiction. So, this week I am going to be focusing my blog posts on those lies. One lie per day and by the end of the week we will have covered the lies discussed in my article.

The first lie is . . . drum roll . . .

"You are not good enough"

I think both addicts and their spouses have to deal with this lie. Pornography gives the viewer a hefty dose of an alternate reality where everything is desirable and acceptable. How does an addict deal with that? How do they get through the constant barrage of fake disirability? And when they don't measure up to this fake reality they can get down on themselves. Recipe for Bad self esteem!

And then the spouse, well that's a recipe for bad self esteem to an intense degree. Feeling like the love of your life is choosing anything over you can massively stunt your ability to see the good in yourself.

But it is a LIE!

Religion aside (which really isn't possible), beliefs aside (again, not possible), there is no way that an outside influence can change your worth. On that same subject, YOU can't even change your worth.

Absolutely no way. Not possible. Whether you believe in God's creation, a big bang, or something else, there is no disputing the fact that every person on this earth is their own, unique, miraculous, being with uncapped potential. Whether or not anyone else or you can see it, you are exploading with worth. Just the fact that you have a place on this earth means that you have the ability to grow, the ablity to change, and the ability to learn.

Now, I do believe in God's creation. And as such I believe he created us. Can anyone even attempt to claim that they can deminish the worth of God's creation. Ha! Fat chance.

Your worth isn't up to you or anyone else. You can decide what to do with your life, people can hurt you, you can let opportunities slip away, others can judge you (whether correctly or not), you can choose your own path.

But your worth is given to you. And it isn't something that can be taken away.

Take a certain silver dollar for example. It's worth is 1 dollar. And it will stay 1 dollar. You can choose what you buy with that dollar. It could purchase a small sandwhich on the dollar menu. It could purchase a discount movie ticket. It could purchase a 99 cent book on amazon. It could be donated to charity.

The life that silver dollar leads could be very different from all of the other silver dollars out there. But, even if the products it buys are dissapointing, it cannot change it's worth.

A silver dollar is a silver dollar, whether or not the discount movie you saw was a blockbuster or not.

You worth is infinite, whether or not the world (or you) (or your spouse) decides to see it.

Don't Forget who YOU are! How an addiction affects the family.

Have you ever heard someone in a relationship with an addict say that they feel like they've changed? In someways I think people who have survived a relationship with an addict feel stronger. And in other ways I think they feel weaker.

I've noticed that being in any kind of relationship with an addict tends to TRY and wear you down and strip away your sense of self. Whether it's a sibling, a parent, a spouse, a child. Sometimes they feel like they are different from who they used to be. And not necessarily in a good way. Like they've lost their confidence in themselves. Is that because sometimes family members and spouse's of addicts just try and keep the peace? They keep trying to get their relationship back to a point of at least neutrality? All of your energy is going into just surviving in your marriage instead of thriving in it? I don't know.

And sometimes addicts do that to their spouses and family on purpose. Find the Power and Abuse wheel from one of my posts in February and you'll see what I mean. Sometimes addicts try and isolate their spouse, they try to limit their options, they say things that they shouldn't, they do things they shouldn't. And, lets face it, the basic actions of an addict make their spouses feel like they themselves are not enough. Which, though completely untrue, is what the spouses of addicts feel all the time.

I wonder if all of that numbs you.

It's a mess.

No wonder so many spouses feel like they've lost a part of themselves along the way.

Have you let go of parts of yourself? Are you not doing the things you enjoy? Have you forgotten who YOU are?

Watch the clip.




Every situation is different and I am not suggesting that you "confront the problem" necessarily. Don't take Edna Mode's advice on that one, maybe take your therapists advice on what to do. Every situation is different and "confront the problem" could put some women out there in a lot of danger. (I'm reminded of my anti-50 Shades week last month. There are women who end up in shelters or dead from abusive relationships.)

But what I do suggest you take from Edna Mode, is that you are Elasti-Girl! (Or, you know, whatever your name is) Pull yourself together and remember who you are! Not for "him," but for you. Don't drop the things that you enjoy and lose yourself amid the chaos.

Remember your super-self!

And the truth is, people change, grow, mature, gain new interests and responsibilities and that's ok. But forgetting yourself completely is not a good idea. Having peace in a relationship is important, but surrendering your interests, feelings and steadfastness is a dangerous thing to do.

Make sure you take care of yourself and do things you enjoy.

"You are Elasti-Girl! Pull yourself together!"

The World Did Not Create Me