"Sticks and Stones"

I love this picture. It is a tower of bubble wrap. I saw it and my mind immediately started coming up with ways to use it. Art projects? Packages? Just popping it for fun? The options are endless!

Bubble wrap . . . the ultimate protection for packages and storage.

Unfortunately, we can't use bubble wrap on our souls.

I know, that was deep.

But seriously, you know the old adage "sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me?" Totally not true. That saying is the ideal to strive for, the goal of one day being able to just shake it off.

In reality, words sometimes hurt more than actual injuries. And the damage done by them can take longer to repair sometimes.

However, there is good news. When you are hurting, physically or emotionally, you can always go and pop some bubble wrap. Works every time.

But seriously, how do you heal from word wounds? Well, for me, I just try to think of the source. If the person is notorious for being jerky or mean, then I try to remember that. You can't trust their opinion. Eventually, after so many jerky things said, you can ignore their jabs completely. Because who really cares what they think?

If someone came to you and said that a narcissist was telling them what a horrible person they were, what would you say? You'd tell them to ignore the person's comments and not take it to heart. If someone came to you and said that a liar was telling them what an awful spouse they were, what would you say? Of course you'd tell them that that person was lying!

So why can't you take your own advice? Why do you let that person, who you know doesn't have a good reputation of trust, get to you?

Be your own good friend and tell yourself the truth.

So then it really may be true that sticks and stones will break your bones, but words will never hurt you.

Sweet dreams are made of... cheese! Apparently.

How could I not post this picture? Whoever wrote this is pretty sharp. 

And I guess I just want to say...

For those days when you are feeling blue, and you feel like those around you aren't very curd-eous. Remember that others' actions are nacho fault.

You hear swiss all the time, when someone feels they are to blame for someone else's choices. It makes me want to scream! People Colby feeling like this for several reasons, but what it comes down to is it just isn't true.

And one more string: not only are you not responsible for some one else's choices, their choices do not reflect on you.

Que-so, you got this?

TRUE LOVE vs INFATUATION

TOGETHER vs. SOLITARY

I don't think there needs to be much narrative on this. The quote speaks pretty well for itself. 

As a general rule, people should try to fall in love with an actual person . . . I'm just saying.

Respect vs Violence

This is True Love Vs. Exploitation week here on Get2theGist. It started last year, the week before Valentine's day with the boycott of the 50 shades movie. That was a crazy week for me. I blogged at least 3 times a day, I wrote an article for Deseret News, was interviewed on iHeart Radio, etc., etc. etc. 

It was all about standing up for true love, exposing pornography and abuse for what they really are, and supporting the true victims of these abusive relationships. Because it's all hurt and pain until somebody dies, right?

This is serious stuff, a living hell for everyone involved. And yet the world wants to depict pornography and abuse as acceptable. People die from these relationships getting too out of hand. All it takes is one time when things go too far, and then somebody gets hurt. 

Not to mention the whole host of spouses who are dealing with the trauma and hurt from their husband or wive's addiction. 

No matter how you look at it, putting abuse, pornography, and other forms of exploitation into a marriage is not healthy one bit.

This year, the week is going to be all about setting the record straight and finding the truth. Exposing pornography and abuse for what they really are: crap. And not anywhere near a semblance of true love.

True love is respect. It's concern for one another and caring about each other. 

Exploitation is the opposite of that. 

And no one should mistake that. 

We all deserve respect, concern, caring, peace, and support. If not from anyone else, then ourselves. Though you should always remember that the Savior has this for you and more.

What do you think true love is?

When Happy Memories are Questioned

Sometimes, when you realize a relationship has been built on lies, it makes you question the happy memories within that relationship.

The moment I realized that things were not as they seemed during some of my fondest memories, I was devastated.

In fact, there is a particular memory that still gets to me. It was a very personal, very vulnerable moment in which I felt very close to this person. I felt loved, I felt cared for, and even though it was something so small that he did for me, It was a memory that I cherished . . . for about a month. And then I found out that nothing was as it seemed. Nothing was what I thought it was.

And then I felt a conflict that I sometimes still feel with certain memories. The conflict of [I still want to consider that a good memory] vs. [yeah, but it was all a lie.]

There is no good answer. What do I do about it? What do any of us do about it?

Especially when I think specifics. Like... during some memories, he was actually simultaneously involved in something else that was tearing us apart.

What I have decided is that there are certain memories I just have to relabel. They weren't really good, I just thought they were. Now that I know the reasoning behind this person's actions, behind this person's comments and timing, it has helped me to see what was really going on. There was one time we were at a dance, having a blast. He was nervous, I thought that was cute. He made a comment that I thought meant something different than what it really meant. But that comment influenced the rest of the night. Only, I thought we were talking about something else.

Years later, he referenced that night of the dance and said something that made me realize what he had really meant by his comment and actions that night. He explained it even more, and I was disgusted.

I was crushed. My happy memory suddenly turned very sour. That is what I mean by saying that I have to relabel some memories. It wasn't good like I thought it was, and that stinks.

Then there are other memories that I just have to rely on the fact that I had a good experience. That I enjoyed myself. Even if the other person was otherwise engaged, I have a good memory and that is ok.

It is ok to separate the fact that even though the memory was surrounded by crud and lies, I enjoyed it and therefore it can stay a good memory as far as I myself am concerned.

 And some of the memories were truly good. Things that I don't think I have to relabel or come to terms with. Things that I know we both enjoyed, favorite meals, favorite places to hang out, etc. Even though things were not as they seemed on the whole, knowing that there were at least tidbits of truth helps.

I guess my point is that I will never fully understand the circumstances surrounding those memories. But it is ok to focus on the fact that it was at least truthful on my part and that I enjoyed it. I enjoyed that vacation. I enjoyed that movie. I enjoyed that family get together.

It is sad that I even have to question. That I even have to know that so many things were one sided. But the truth of the matter is that the relationship was built on lies. And that effects things in major ways.

I would rather that they had been built on truth. But, I don't want to write off years of my life and years of memories just because someone else might not have been fully committed.

Do you have a crappy foundation? Literally?

Have you ever realized that you're standing on a foundation made of poop? Well, then you might be a pigeon. Or human, really. This happens all the time. Figuratively, of course.

Like the recent story of the boy who had been missing for 13 years! Fox News 

How horrifying to realize that your whole life was something different than you thought it was. 

Honestly, though, to some extent we all deal with crappy foundations. Co-workers, family members, friends, spouses. You will always run into people who are not truthful or whose feelings are only skin deep.

I have a situation I am in that is extremely frustrating. A foundation made of poop, to be sure. I am in the unfortunate position to witness the brunt of this person's lies, actions, and misleadings, I know their history, and this person attacks me constantly with put-downs, swearing, and all sorts of other things. Then they turn around and ask me to trust them.

And there I am, standing on the metaphorical packed down poop.

But, look at that picture above! That nest isn't just magically going anywhere. It needs to be scraped down, sanitized, probably repainted and then guarded to keep the pigeons that will keep coming back away. 

This ledge can become clean. It can be completely transformed. But it has a history with pigeons that, if the bird watching website I read can be trusted, will continue to come back to the place they were born to nest. The ledge can become clean, but it will always need to be guarded. 

People are the same way. Habits, especially addictions, have to be guarded against always. It is a full time job for the rest of that persons life. 

I pray all the time that (not in these words) the person I know will try to scrape the crap away and do their best to not let the birds take nest.

A small look at how pornography/sex addiction affects the spouse

WARNING: This post is full of potential triggers for the spouse.

Finding out that your spouse is a pornography/sex addict messes with your entire life.

For starters, many feel like they loose the "safe place" that they thought their marriage was. Physical safety is complicated, since your spouse is going outside of your marriage for sexual activity. Yes, that is what viewing pornography is. Many people just don't understand the whole pornography-sexual gratification connection. But, in blunt words, the whole point of pornography viewing is to get your system going and experience a perverted version of the reaction that many feel should be kept within a marriage. This is not simply looking at pictures. If that were the case, we'd have Picasso addicts.

And we haven't even started talking about the side effects of affairs.

How is the wife or husband supposed to react to that? That their spouse, for whatever reason, is going outside of their relationship.

It's hard. Seriously hard.

Mental Safety is out the window. Addiction is greatly made up of lies. Lies that grow as the addiction grows. How do you trust your spouse that has been lying to you for months, years, decades? How do you confide in them when you know that they have a very serious second life? There are addicts that view pornography, go to massage parlors, chat rooms, strippers, hookers, sex phone lines, "work wives," etc. etc. etc. And how do they generally do all of this? Through lies. And it makes their spouse question everything in the past. They question happy memories, family pictures, vacations. Because these things now symbolize mementos from a time when they didn't know they were being lied to. "At the time this picture was taken, he was actually seeing this other woman..." that kind of thing.

And, speaking of mental safety, there is nothing like a porn addiction to make a wife feel like she is inadequate. Intimately, physically, she questions her looks and body figure. Lots of women start thinking "If only I was a better..." Housekeeper, wife, listener, mother, etc. etc. etc. Your self esteem plummets. Strong, strong women get pummeled under the crushing blows of a partner's pornography and sex addiction, and it is all they can do to not grimace at themselves when they walk past a mirror. Sometimes a woman will feel that their reflection symbolizes what their husband rejected, what they feel their husband thought wasn't good enough. Because that is how they feel. Rejected. Not good enough.

And then you get the addicts who outright tell their spouses that the addiction is their fault. That they aren't good enough. That they aren't satisfying. That if they could only give them what they want then there wouldn't be an issue.

Not all addicts are like that. But lots of them are.

They don't get that they could be having intercourse with a different woman every day and they would STILL have the addiction. Because the addiction is NOT about the spouse. It's about the addict being caught up in this never ending, addictive cycle where the addict has to keep climbing the steps and trying to find "the next best thing."

Addictions are a cycle. They go round and round, up and down, up and down. It's tiring. Lies, followed by lies, followed by admission (sometimes), followed by lies. The addict's anger, followed by moodiness, followed by a brief moment of peace, followed by anger, followed by moodiness, followed by a brief moment of peace.

And addiction builds upon itself. Once one kind of pornography doesn't work for an addict anymore, he or she will move on to another, worse type of pornography. Before long, the addict is into some really disturbing, unnerving things to be able to get his or her fix. These kinds of addictions lead to acting out, going deeper into the addiction, etc.

And then, at some point, it may all stop working. These stories of addicts who have to watch porn while they are having intercourse with their spouse to be able to get roused are unfortunately very common. Addicts often lose their sense of empathy. They lose their ability to see humans as humans. People become un-unique, dis-enchanting, things.

Pornography is a crash course in learning how to view people as objects.

And then you get the addicts who want their spouses to reenact what the addict saw in the porn.

The whole 50 shades thing... people have died from those types of addictive relationships.

Pedophelia? From what I have been told, you don't come back from that. It isn't the same type of addiction. There are some lines that, once crossed, cannot be crossed back over.

There are different levels of sex addiction. Pray that no one in your family ever has to experience them. From either the side of the spouse or the side of the addict or the side of the kids.

There was a visitor at my church who once described the addict's admission as throwing up. The addict tells all of these details, things they are into, and then after they throw it all up they feel better. But all of that throw up has to go somewhere, and it ends up all over the wife.

Some addicts are really bad about things. They can be aggressive, abusive, mean. And some addicts seem to hit a point where they turn a new leaf. Not that they can let down their guard. Addicts can relapse after years of sobriety.

There are so many things I can write here. So many things I haven't even touched base on. But lots of people just don't get and understand all of this until they've gone through it or been close enough to watch someone else go through it.

And, I know this was a post of doom and gloom, but there really is hope for many marriages. Lots of marriages come back stronger for working through this. And some REALLY great guys and girls have this awful addiction. The addict is in pain, too. They aren't happy, they aren't fulfilled, they aren't getting anywhere good. I feel for them. Luckily there are places, therapists, church leaders who can help them figure it out.

But don't forget these spouses. One thing I tell any spouse of an addict that I meet is that they are very strong. Even if I don't know them I know that they must be a strong, super-hero type person. Because no one can go through the Hell (literally applied here) of a partner's sex addiction and retain even the smallest ounce of normalcy without them being anything less than a warrior.

Lots of spouses hide their addict spouse's activities. They are embarrassed, afraid of it reflecting on them. But really they need support. Support from people who understand what the spouse goes through.

A while back I wrote an article called,

"Your spouse has a pornography addiction, now what?"

check it out here on KSL.com: http://www.ksl.com/index.php?sid=32810176&nid=1010&title=your-spouse-has-a-pornography-addiction-now-what

It goes into this topic a little bit more.

I also wrote a sister piece for the addict, which you can find here: http://www.ksl.com/?sid=32628307&nid=1010&title=you-have-a-pornography-addiction-now-what&s_cid=queue-1

Do NOT tell this to an addict or his girlfriend

Today's post is a bit of a vent - so, warning!

Last week I read a letter posted on a very popular anti-pornography website. It was written by a girl who chose to stay with her boyfriend and help him work through his pornography addiction. A few months ago I read an article about another girl who chose to marry a man that she knew had a pornography problem because she could tell he was repentant and wanting to heal.

I love that porn does not conquer all. That when an addict puts their mind to it and dedicates themselves to thereapy and hardwork it is possible for them to turn over a new leaf.

But . . . here is my issue with letters like this.

They give the impressionn that if a girl leaves her boyfriend because he is a porn addict it means that she didn't really love him any way. That a girl doesn't really love you if she leaves.

Groan!

This is an aweful thing to say to both the girlfriend and the porn addict. Having a boyfriend with a pornography addiction can tear you apart. It causes emotional issues, and is no picnic. The girl in the letter I read said that because of this she had had to deal with depression already. And they aren't even married!

I don't know about you, but I wouldn't fault a girlfriend for moving on because she found out her boyfriend has an addiction. If you are having those kinds of problems before marriage, you'll have them after as well. Only maybe worse because in the addicts mind he might be thinking "She knew about this before we married and was ok with it."

I think if a marriage has any real, good chance at all that the addict needs to get help to try and not take those issues into a marriage.

You don't want to tell the addict that if a girl leaves him that means she didn't truly love him. How aweful is that for the addict! Basically you are telling him that every girl that left because she didn't want to put her, her future marriage and kids through a pornography addiction, was just stringin him along in the first place. Oh, don't worry. She didn't really love you anyway.

That's aweful!

Don't put that on either the girlfriend or the addict.

If anything, I would tell a young man to not get wrapped up with pornography and I would tell him that it is a total turn off for girls. They don't want to feel compared to someone else, they don't want to go through those issues.  I would tell him that he will most definitely lose girlfriends over this. And probably the ones he would really want to keep.

Now, if a couple is married and the wife finds out that her husband is an addict, then I think they should try to work it out if at all possible. Dating relatoionships are a lot more expendable than marriages, which should be permanent. I know that sometimes this doesn't work out in a marriage, that some addicts cross dangerous lines that they cannot just come back from. There is a point where you have taken your addiction to levels and once you get to that level you will have to deal with a more dangerous level of temptation for the rest of your life. Some addictions put people at risk.

That being said, I think if you are married, try to work it out. If you are dating, don't be pressured to stick around just for the sake of proving your loyalty.

We need to teach kids that there are consequences for their actions. And yeah, you might lose a girlfriend over this. That doesn't mean that she didn't love you or that she was just stringing you along. If you find a girl that is willing to stick with you, then good for you. But don't be surprised if a girl doesn't want to deal with that.