Dealing with your spouse's addiction: Finding the Spark (Guest Blog Post)

Today we have a Guest Blog Post written by Alicia from brabadges.blogspot.com ! I am so excited to share this with you, and you should go check out her blog when you are done reading here. I asked her to answer the question: What has helped you the most in dealing with your spouse's addiction? Because this is something that so many people are needing help with. And when you are at that point you might want to hear what has helped someone else.

By Alicia:

I love the 3rd verse of "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star."  Have you read it?

"Then the traveller in the dark, 

Thanks you for your tiny spark, 

He could not see which way to go, 

If you did not twinkle so."

I remember my Traveller Days, and they were so dark.  No one knew my secret because I believed it wasn't mine to tell.  People around me talked openly about my secret, never knowing.

"If my husband ever looked at pornography, I'd leave him."

I remembered thinking the same thing until it happened to me.

"Porn is such a problem right now... it's breaking families up."

If it was such a problem, why did I feel so alone?

I couldn't find any spark, let alone any light.  The cycle of addiction seemed to run our home.  We operated around where my husband was at emotionally.  I worked hard to keep my kids safe, to keep my husband happy.  I always came up short, but I never stopped trying to be "more."

More thin.

More easy-going.

More sexy.

Sweeter.

Kinder.

Funnier.

Tidier.

I stopped focusing on my own needs and allowed them to be swallowed up in what I perceived to be my husband's needs.  No matter how hard I tried, no matter how many books I read or strategies I came up with... he would always return to his addiction.  I tried keeping tabs on him, following up with articles I'd asked him to read, and reasoning with him.

One day, six years into our marriage and after a year without my husband relapsing, I uncovered more lies.  I hit my rock bottom.  The emotional pain was so intense, it morphed into physical pain.  My heart hurt so badly, I clutched at my chest.  I couldn't believe this was my life, my story.

I cried myself to sleep and the next morning I told myself if I could find tiny spark -just one story of one person who had made it though a story like mine -I could make it through that next day.

I found a book online that led me to a 12-step support group.  At first I only attended with the intention to listen.  All I really wanted was to look into the eyes of another person going through what I was going through.  I had travelled in the dark for much too long.  I needed light.

I found sparks that night.  It only took a few meetings of "only listening" to really intrigue me.  I began working the steps myself.

Today, six years later, I attend two meetings each week.  I work my steps with a sponsor.  I attend counseling and reach out to a trusted spiritual adviser.  

I have found a great deal of truth working the 12-steps.  They have brought me to a place of serenity.  The journey has not been easy or painless... in fact, it has been very hard and very painful.  I repeat the serenity prayer each week and appreciate the reminder that, "pain is the pathway to progress."

I have learned I can let go of what I can't control (the past, others, the future...) and focus on what I can control -myself.

Working the 12-steps is like looking through a REALLY clean mirror... I can see my strengths and weaknesses, my pride and my humility.  It is almost as scary as it is empowering.  I have the direction I need to take hold of my life and live to my full potential, regardless of my husband's choices.

I live one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time -my path lit by the sparks of those who walked the path before I did.

Giveaway and Review of "Shadows of Angels" by L.G. Rollins

I am so excited!!!!!!!!!!! Today we have a guest blog post and a giveaway! 

"Shadows of Angels" by L.G. Rollins just came out on the 8th of December, and today L.G. (Laura) is our guest blogger. I am so excited! It's a great post, and it is posted right before this one. So... scroll down for that awesomeness! We all deserve real, truthful love.

But first! I also just promised you a giveaway! You can win a free e-book of "Shadows of Angels" by doing 1 of 3 things. For each one of these three things you do your chances of winning goes up.

1) Put your email into my "follow by email" box to the right and push submit

2) Follow this blog

3) Follow me on Twitter.   You can find me Here or find me at @Jenelle_Stone

You have until midnight EST (Think: New York Time) on December 17, 2015 to do one of these three things to enter. At that point, someone will be chosen at random. THE WINNER WILL NOT BE ANNOUNCED. Instead I will contact them directly through either their e-mail or account. It is your responsibility to make sure your account (email, twitter, blogger, ect.) that you sign up with has a public contact information. If it does not, you can email me at writejenelle@gmail.com with your contact info and how you entered. Otherwise another winner will be chosen.You have 48 hours from the time I contact you or else another winner will be chosen. The winner will receive the e-book directly from the publisher, so your contact will be shared with them.

YAY! A Contest!

So exciting!!!!!!

My thoughts on Shadows of Angels

I loved this book! It kept me interested and wondering what was going to happen next the whole time. 

Actually, it was very interesting to read for multiple reasons. There are a couple of women characters in "Shadows of Angels" that are in different types of abusive relationships. I've talked a lot about relationships like these here on Get2theGist, and unfortunately they are very common. Reading how the women react to the abuse was very interesting. If you are in or ever have been in a relationship like that, chances are you will be able to relate to at least 1 of these women.

The book is full of adventure and main characters who have to face crazy odds to take back their world from insanely dangerous demons, blood thirsty creatures of the forest, and wanna-be-kings. Seriously, it's intense. But my main interest in the book was in the characters' personal drama. What is going to happen to the lady whose husband beats her? What about the woman whose been made to feel like her only purpose in life is to be used? How will the man learn to overcome his past? How will the other man learn to move past all the pain from his own past? What will happen to the obvious love between that guy and that girl?

The insane adventure just made it all the more awesome.

The only things I had a hard time with were the references to "Sister Earth," which I just didn't get, and a couple of the names sounded awkward on my tongue. Otherwise I enjoyed reading it. 

Which says a lot. I am actually pretty critical when it comes to my books.

It does have some blood and battle scenes throughout it, and topics of abuse and its effects, but nothing x rated. No bedroom scenes. One character that has been abused has some backwards ideas of how to use kisses and things like that to get what she wants. That is what I mean about some of the effects of abuse.

In fact, this book surprised me. Usually when a character in a book tells a story or tells about something in the past I find it boring. But a little over half way through Shadows of Angels I realized that I looked forward to the different characters telling about their past. It was like listening to puzzle pieces that put me into the middle of the story.

But maybe that is because the characters were relateable. We can all relate to having to work through life's painful trials, even if the trials may be different from the one's we have to deal with ourselves. 

Which brings me to Laura's guest post. I am so excited for you to read it, it is a really good read. Because this post is already this long, I decided to publish it in the post below. 

And don't forget to enter the contest!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you don't win, still go check out Rollins' book on Amazon:

Shadows of Angels by L. G. Rollins

After the forest dwellers destroy her home and kill her father, Aerbrin sets off on a journey to find the truth about her people, her kingdom, and the mysterious Zaad stone that contains a power she never imagined. Magic and mystery join forces in this intriguing fantasy world. Full of shifting alliances and twists you won't see coming, it's a can't-miss read.

Shadows of Angels, by L. G. Rollins

Excerpt:

"Stay calm, her father’s words echoed in her head. When you find yourself in danger, above all, stay calm. Aerbrin took a deep, steady breath and leaned down, reaching for her bow. one of the Forest Dwellers charged. It collided with her and knocked her to the floor. Raising a knotted fist, he bashed her head.

Sparks exploded across her vision. She tried to raise an arm, tried to call out. Her body wouldn’t respond. The Forest Dwellers grunted again. The creature above her raised its fist again. She looked up. This was the end, she knew. When these monsters attacked, they killed everything. Animals, plants, and particularly humans. No one survived.

Closing her eyes, Aerbrin forced her body to relax. This time, there was no pain."

Guest Post by Author L.G. Rollins!!!! True Love's Counterfeit

Today we have a Guest Blog Post by Author L.G. Rollins. Her  new book,  Shadows of Angels, just came out on the 8th!!!!!! Immediately following this I will post a review of her book and a chance for you to win a copy of the e-book!

Desperate Love: True Love's Counterfeit

by L.G. Rollins

I have worked for many years with high-school girls in my community. Some are out-going and bright; others are reserved, sweet, and wise. But there is one thing that is the same for every girl I have ever met—I would argue, every girl that has ever lived.

All girls have to feel loved.

We crave it. We die without it. We all need love in our lives. I'm not talking strictly about romantic love. I mean any kind of love. The love between a mother and daughter, or the love between teacher and student, and even the love between friends. We create love, and we call out for love.

But, unfortunately, love is not always given back. And seeing girls who receive love abundantly and girls who don't, has changed my ideas of what love is and how it effects us. Most certainly, it molded a particular character I wrote of in my novel Shadows of Angels. Hilfawn's relationships with others is largely driven by her need to prove herself worthy of love and respect. I wrote her like that, because I've seen it—heavens, I've done it—many times over.

"All girls have to feel loved. When they don't find it at home, desperation will drive them to do almost anything."

~ Lady Teepin, in Shadows of Angels by L. G. Rollins

If Hilfawn were my own daughter, this is what I'd tell her:

Hold your head high, you don't have to prove anything. You do deserve love. You do deserve respect. Not because of how you look, how you dress, or how much skin you're willing to show. It's not because of what you've done, or what you haven't done. You deserve love because you're a human being, because you live.

And here's the secret.

You must love yourself enough that you can live on your own love until someone comes along who knows how to love you the right way. Hold out until you meet that someone who knows that love, at its core, is based on goodness, not selfishness.

Hold out—love will find you.

But you must help it along by loving yourself enough to not buy into a desperate love in the mean time. If someone says they love you, but they hurt you as often as not, you are in a 'desperate love' and not a 'true love' relationship.

True Love only comes to those who are truly kind.

Help love find you by showing yourself respect in the way you dress and in the things you say. If you hang out with those who tear others down, then they are tearing you down. Find friends who know this secret.

I wish I could tell every girl this. I wish every girl knew how much she's worth—how much love she truly has to give.

Just hold out a little longer. Love's coming your way. Just love yourself until it reaches you.

About Rollins:

L. G. Rollins grew up in a far off land fighting dragons, stealing talismans, and traveling with dwarfs and elves. She is especially skilled at bribing giants with sweets. Currently, her husband and four kids live in Utah so that is where she spends most of her time. She may, or may not, have a Zaad Stone. To learn more about L. G. Rollins and her books visit LGRollins.com.

Note From Jenelle: I loved Rollins' point at the beginning about love coming in many different forms. Love between spouses, love between parent and child, siblings, friends, etc.

Some relationships are full of love, some are not. Remember though, that no matter your relationship status with any of these, there is One who will always truly love you. And that is a love you don't have to wait for. He has already proven it.