Dead Deers and Pornography - Don't look!

(This Post was originally posted in May, 2015 on Get2theGist)

Explanation of picture is at the end.

Ever heard someone say that they just had to know what their pornography addict spouse was looking at so they went and looked themselves?

I have heard this. A couple of times. 

And each time I thought, "No, no, no." That is not good!

Or, like I've talked about before, there are those addicts who try and get their spouses to participate with them. Which is not good either. 

You don't want those pictures in your head any more than you want them in your spouse's head.

It's like the picture at the top of this post. You can know that there is a box. You can know that there is a deer in the box (see feet sticking out on both ends). You can even know details like that the box is a lawn mower box and that the deer is (obviously) dead.

You might even wonder about what happened.

But don't go looking in the box! That isn't something that you need to see. And will it help you to look at the stiff, stinky, deer? You already know it's a dead deer. Do you really need to see all of the details or smell the stink? Will that help you?

No. No it won't. If anything it might scar you. 

So, please heed my words. Don't go looking at dead deers or pornography. Yuck!

By the way, I saw this box on the side of a road with the feet sticking out. What the crud?  But I DID NOT go look. I took this picture from a safe distance, which is why it is so fuzzy!

UPDATE: There have been many times that my never having seeked out pornography has been a major blessing in my life. Looking at the dead deer will never help you!

The sign said walk...

The sign said walk...

True story.

I was standing on the corner of an intersection, waiting for the little blue man to pop up on the crosswalk sign.

When he arrived, and the sign said it was safe for me to go, something else arrived as well.

A train.

A train!

A train arrived at the same time the sign told me to cross the intersection.

I believe this is commonly referred to as a conflict of interest.

Because last time I checked, sharing a crosswalk with a train was not a good idea.

And yet people metaphorically do this all the time. Like with pornography. I heard a gal on the radio yesterday defending the use pornography, even claiming that it had helped some couples.

And I'm sitting here thinking, can't you see the dang train coming down the track?

The train that will inevitably bring unrealistic expectations, a feeling of lessened self worth, and the chance at a raging addiction that takes you to more and more grotesque things with every stop.

At some point the metephorical pornography train makes a surprise appearance at everyone's crosswalk. Sometimes it's a picture that pops up on the internet, something on the tv, a not-so-good friend, or a spouse that brings it into the home.

And at that point, you will have to make a decision. Do you try to beat the train across the walk, do you try to get just close enough to see the train up close, or do you stay firmly on the sidewalk and refuse to play chicken.

If we are talking about an actual train, the answer seems obvious. You don't mess with the train, you stay on the sidewalk.

But talking about something more psychological and emotional, it is amazing how many people choose to try and beat the train.

You can't beat the train. Commit to staying planted on the sidewalk.

Have you seen the 2016 Dirty Dozen List?

Have you seen the yearly Dirty Dozen List put out by the National Center on Sexual Exploitation?

The idea is that these dozen companies/organizations are the 12 leading facilitators of sexual exploitation.

HBO, Sexpresso Cafe (shocker that this made the list, right?), and the DOJ are a few of those on the 2016 list.

Follow this LINK and see for yourself. Also, scroll down and see some of the victories from the past Dirty Dozen Lists and NCOSE work!

TOGETHER vs. SOLITARY

I don't think there needs to be much narrative on this. The quote speaks pretty well for itself. 

As a general rule, people should try to fall in love with an actual person . . . I'm just saying.

Respect vs Violence

This is True Love Vs. Exploitation week here on Get2theGist. It started last year, the week before Valentine's day with the boycott of the 50 shades movie. That was a crazy week for me. I blogged at least 3 times a day, I wrote an article for Deseret News, was interviewed on iHeart Radio, etc., etc. etc. 

It was all about standing up for true love, exposing pornography and abuse for what they really are, and supporting the true victims of these abusive relationships. Because it's all hurt and pain until somebody dies, right?

This is serious stuff, a living hell for everyone involved. And yet the world wants to depict pornography and abuse as acceptable. People die from these relationships getting too out of hand. All it takes is one time when things go too far, and then somebody gets hurt. 

Not to mention the whole host of spouses who are dealing with the trauma and hurt from their husband or wive's addiction. 

No matter how you look at it, putting abuse, pornography, and other forms of exploitation into a marriage is not healthy one bit.

This year, the week is going to be all about setting the record straight and finding the truth. Exposing pornography and abuse for what they really are: crap. And not anywhere near a semblance of true love.

True love is respect. It's concern for one another and caring about each other. 

Exploitation is the opposite of that. 

And no one should mistake that. 

We all deserve respect, concern, caring, peace, and support. If not from anyone else, then ourselves. Though you should always remember that the Savior has this for you and more.

What do you think true love is?

This is what we call "misrepresentation"

As I was walking down the side walk one day, I saw this:

I'm not really sure what this is. Maybe it is some kind of an electrical unit, or access for the train. Maybe there is some danger involved in opening this. Like a possible electric shock, an alarm going off, or neglected spider web and massive spider waiting to bite you. 

However, I am pretty sure that the sticker on the front is not correct:

Unless there is someone hunched inside, waiting to tickle the next unsuspecting person to open up that door, this is what we call MISREPRESENTATION. 

Other examples of misrepresentation:

When people call black licorice "yummy."

When people call Shrek "funny."

When people call porn "normal."

When people call the man bun a "good fashion choice."

Don't fall for misrepresentation.

If in doubt, don't eat black licorice, don't watch Shrek, don't look at porn, and don't wear a man bun. Follow this advice and already you're ahead in life.

What is Pornography?

How would you describe pornography to someone? To a child?

If someone were to ask you, "What is pornography?" How would you answer?

I think that most people would describe pornography as "inappropriate pictures of people without clothes on." But is this really a complete description of pornography? As any addict, spouse of an addict, parent of an addict, etc. would tell you: no. There is a whole lot more to pornography than just pictures. 

In fact, some of the worst types of pornography are not in photo-form. 

My favorite description of pornography came from one of my uncles, who was speaking to a young teen. He described pornography along these lines:

-Anything that makes you feel feelings [or think thoughts] that are inappropriate or that should be reserved for marriage.

I loved that!!!! What a great description of what pornography is. It is a force (yes, force) that teaches you to feel and then become desensitized to feelings that should be reserved for a happy, respectful relationship. Then the addict searches for "next step" for their addiction. And it just gets more and more inappropriate from there. It is an extremely slippery slope.

Yes, pictures are part of it. But just a part.

These girls just don't get it

Do you ever have an Aha moment? 

Well, I had one of those moments a couple of weeks ago while reading a blog post on alicross.com. As she points out, the porn system has changed in recent years to include material that is instigated, produced and distributed by young girls. I knew this before, but I had never had it hit me quite like it did while reading this post.

Ack! Gone are the days where the young girl has to travel to the slimy part of town, praying that no one she knows sees her. Now all a young girl has to do is pull out her cell phone, link to the Internet and voila! Instant moral defecation!

What kind of message does that send to our young boys? No longer can parents say that that isn't indicative of what women are truly like. No longer can parents say that girls don't like it when boys look at that kind of stuff. Because even though these statements are as true as ever, the boys won't believe them. Why? Because why would Suzy from school post bad pictures if she wasn't OK with it? No one made her do it.

These girls are helping to ruin it for the rest of us.

What are these girls thinking? Truth is, they don't know he extent of the problem hey are perpetuating. They don't realize that they are helping to further men's addictions and that they are helping to hurt and ruin relationships, marriages, and families. 

And, frankly, they probably don't get it. They don't understand the issue and the pain caused to both the addict and their families. Lots of these girls focus on the "girl power," the ability to "choose whatever they want to do with their body" without thought to how it will affect their futures or other people.

Maybe they will have their own Aha moments when they catch their husbands, a couple years down the road, looking at other girls' pictures online.

I love this quote from Author Ali Cross (who by the way is super awesome!)

"As a mom of boys, my perspective might be a little different. Because I think the tables are turned and while “girl power” is playing loud and clear from the sound system of social media, my boys no longer have a clear, unobstructed path to becoming the sort of men women want them to be." -Ali Cross at AliCross.com


Go check out her blog  post at http://www.alicross.com/being-a-boy-in-the-instashame-world/

And help your daughters to understand the extent of the problem. They are not just sporting their bodies, they are supporting a maniacal world of family-destroying material.

War of the Window Stickers

I HATE HATE HATE when you see the window stickers in the shape of an alluring woman on the back of someone's car. It's offensive.

Then I saw this sticker on someone's car. A cowboy with a gut. I'll admit I laughed! And since I first saw this sticker, I now see it everywhere.  I laugh every time because it's totally making fun of the other, offensive sticker.

So, I thought I'd share it with you. 

Because really? Come on! There are very few faster ways to make your car seem trashy than to cover it with pornographic outlines of women.

From "Normal" to "Psycho" in one step?

Warning: This post may contain triggers for the spouse of an addict.

On any given month, week, day, you can find stories on the news about heinous crimes. Sexual assault, rape, violence, murder. It's becoming more and more common. 

And what do we, the general public, say? That the perpetrator is a "creep." A "psycho." We shake our heads in disgust, saying that their actions are evil. 

You can probably think of multiple cases where you yourself felt like this. That what you were hearing about the attacker is gut wrenching and twisted. How could someone get that far? How could someone cross those lines and do that to another human being? 

Pornography, bdsm, and all of their deep, twisted forms are excused away as "normal" until someone acts out on them and hurts someone. Then all of a sudden that person goes from being "normal" to a "creep."

You hear that a man is into a heavy bdsm fetish, or some of pornography's darker sides, and people describe that man as "just being a guy" "doing manly things" "expressing himself" "normal" "every body does it" "Free speech."

And then he acts out on what he's been looking at, he follows through with the things he's been saying, someone gets hurt, and then suddenly everyone says he's a "creep," "perp" "Sicko" "Psycho."

Make up your mind, society. Is it a problem or is it not? When someone goes out, rapes and kills someone it is described as "heinous." And it is, right? But people don't just get to that extreme automatically. There are steps to get there, paths that must be followed for someone to go that deep. We need to label those steps and actions as heinous as well. 

Simply put, you can't say that the first step is just "a man thing" and the next step is "evil."

A small look at how pornography/sex addiction affects the spouse

WARNING: This post is full of potential triggers for the spouse.

Finding out that your spouse is a pornography/sex addict messes with your entire life.

For starters, many feel like they loose the "safe place" that they thought their marriage was. Physical safety is complicated, since your spouse is going outside of your marriage for sexual activity. Yes, that is what viewing pornography is. Many people just don't understand the whole pornography-sexual gratification connection. But, in blunt words, the whole point of pornography viewing is to get your system going and experience a perverted version of the reaction that many feel should be kept within a marriage. This is not simply looking at pictures. If that were the case, we'd have Picasso addicts.

And we haven't even started talking about the side effects of affairs.

How is the wife or husband supposed to react to that? That their spouse, for whatever reason, is going outside of their relationship.

It's hard. Seriously hard.

Mental Safety is out the window. Addiction is greatly made up of lies. Lies that grow as the addiction grows. How do you trust your spouse that has been lying to you for months, years, decades? How do you confide in them when you know that they have a very serious second life? There are addicts that view pornography, go to massage parlors, chat rooms, strippers, hookers, sex phone lines, "work wives," etc. etc. etc. And how do they generally do all of this? Through lies. And it makes their spouse question everything in the past. They question happy memories, family pictures, vacations. Because these things now symbolize mementos from a time when they didn't know they were being lied to. "At the time this picture was taken, he was actually seeing this other woman..." that kind of thing.

And, speaking of mental safety, there is nothing like a porn addiction to make a wife feel like she is inadequate. Intimately, physically, she questions her looks and body figure. Lots of women start thinking "If only I was a better..." Housekeeper, wife, listener, mother, etc. etc. etc. Your self esteem plummets. Strong, strong women get pummeled under the crushing blows of a partner's pornography and sex addiction, and it is all they can do to not grimace at themselves when they walk past a mirror. Sometimes a woman will feel that their reflection symbolizes what their husband rejected, what they feel their husband thought wasn't good enough. Because that is how they feel. Rejected. Not good enough.

And then you get the addicts who outright tell their spouses that the addiction is their fault. That they aren't good enough. That they aren't satisfying. That if they could only give them what they want then there wouldn't be an issue.

Not all addicts are like that. But lots of them are.

They don't get that they could be having intercourse with a different woman every day and they would STILL have the addiction. Because the addiction is NOT about the spouse. It's about the addict being caught up in this never ending, addictive cycle where the addict has to keep climbing the steps and trying to find "the next best thing."

Addictions are a cycle. They go round and round, up and down, up and down. It's tiring. Lies, followed by lies, followed by admission (sometimes), followed by lies. The addict's anger, followed by moodiness, followed by a brief moment of peace, followed by anger, followed by moodiness, followed by a brief moment of peace.

And addiction builds upon itself. Once one kind of pornography doesn't work for an addict anymore, he or she will move on to another, worse type of pornography. Before long, the addict is into some really disturbing, unnerving things to be able to get his or her fix. These kinds of addictions lead to acting out, going deeper into the addiction, etc.

And then, at some point, it may all stop working. These stories of addicts who have to watch porn while they are having intercourse with their spouse to be able to get roused are unfortunately very common. Addicts often lose their sense of empathy. They lose their ability to see humans as humans. People become un-unique, dis-enchanting, things.

Pornography is a crash course in learning how to view people as objects.

And then you get the addicts who want their spouses to reenact what the addict saw in the porn.

The whole 50 shades thing... people have died from those types of addictive relationships.

Pedophelia? From what I have been told, you don't come back from that. It isn't the same type of addiction. There are some lines that, once crossed, cannot be crossed back over.

There are different levels of sex addiction. Pray that no one in your family ever has to experience them. From either the side of the spouse or the side of the addict or the side of the kids.

There was a visitor at my church who once described the addict's admission as throwing up. The addict tells all of these details, things they are into, and then after they throw it all up they feel better. But all of that throw up has to go somewhere, and it ends up all over the wife.

Some addicts are really bad about things. They can be aggressive, abusive, mean. And some addicts seem to hit a point where they turn a new leaf. Not that they can let down their guard. Addicts can relapse after years of sobriety.

There are so many things I can write here. So many things I haven't even touched base on. But lots of people just don't get and understand all of this until they've gone through it or been close enough to watch someone else go through it.

And, I know this was a post of doom and gloom, but there really is hope for many marriages. Lots of marriages come back stronger for working through this. And some REALLY great guys and girls have this awful addiction. The addict is in pain, too. They aren't happy, they aren't fulfilled, they aren't getting anywhere good. I feel for them. Luckily there are places, therapists, church leaders who can help them figure it out.

But don't forget these spouses. One thing I tell any spouse of an addict that I meet is that they are very strong. Even if I don't know them I know that they must be a strong, super-hero type person. Because no one can go through the Hell (literally applied here) of a partner's sex addiction and retain even the smallest ounce of normalcy without them being anything less than a warrior.

Lots of spouses hide their addict spouse's activities. They are embarrassed, afraid of it reflecting on them. But really they need support. Support from people who understand what the spouse goes through.

A while back I wrote an article called,

"Your spouse has a pornography addiction, now what?"

check it out here on KSL.com: http://www.ksl.com/index.php?sid=32810176&nid=1010&title=your-spouse-has-a-pornography-addiction-now-what

It goes into this topic a little bit more.

I also wrote a sister piece for the addict, which you can find here: http://www.ksl.com/?sid=32628307&nid=1010&title=you-have-a-pornography-addiction-now-what&s_cid=queue-1

. . . that's disturbing.

There are some really disturbing things in life.

Like speedos.

-No offense to anyone who likes to wear a speedo.

Or people who have ear gauges so large you can see through their ears.

-No offense to anyone who wears gauges.

Bikinis. People think they have the body for it. They don't.

-Again, no offense.

Hamburgers with two or three patties.

-Eww! But, again, no offense if you like a grotesque ratio of meat on your sandwich. I'm Just sayin.

And seriously, I have never liked paisley patterns.

-They're like little amoebas with flagella sticking out of them. No offense if you like to wear it, I'm sure it looks great on you. . .

Pornography

-Go ahead, be offended.

Some things in life are just sick and wrong. Stand up against the double patties! Rage against the speedos! Toss the paisley shirts! Use your gauges as frizbees! Life is too short to try and heal from the shock and trauma of seeing someone in a bikini!

Maybe if we start small with something like trying to show the world how demeaning and harmful pornography is, then we can do something really important like convincing people to not eat sushi that hasn't been cooked.

I mean seriously, people. It's raw fish! Get the cooked rolls, they're yummy too.

Don't go looking at dead deers or pornography!

Explanation of picture is at the end.

Ever heard someone say that they just had to know what their pornography addict spouse was looking at so they went and looked themselves?

I have heard this. A couple of times. 

And each time I thought, "No, no, no." That is not good!

Or, like I've talked about before, there are those addicts who try and get their spouses to participate with them. Which is not good either. 

You don't want those pictures in your head any more than you want them in your spouses head.

It's like the picture at the top of this post. You can know that there is a box. You can know that there is a deer in the box (see feet sticking out on both ends). You can even know details like that the box is a lawn mower box and that the deer is (obviously) dead.

You might even wonder about what happened.

But don't go looking in the box! That isn't something that you need to see. And will it help you to look at the stiff, stinky, deer? You already know it's a dead deer. Do you really need to see all of the details or smell the stink? Will that help you?

No. No it won't. If anything it might scar you. 

So, please heed my words. Don't go looking at dead deers or pornography. Yuck!

By the way, I saw this box on the side of a road with the feet sticking out. What the crud?  But I DID NOT go look. I took this picture from a safe distance, which is why it is so fuzzy!

Conditioned to Accept Pornography

Isn't it interesting how some people are so anti-porn while others don't think it's that big of a deal.

Why? What makes up the difference between these two viewpoints?

Whenever I hear a woman say, "I don't care if my husband views porn," I think she's nuts!  Because at what point did that woman sit back and decide that she was ok with her husband looking at pictures of other women and inappropriate things? And that's just the first step. Porn can get much, much worse.

I think I know the answer, though. I don't think women that say things like that actually sat back and made that as a conscious decision. I'll bet they were conditioned to give you that answer over years and years of becoming desensitized to the issue.

Because NO ONE who hasn't been desensitized decides that it's ok for their spouse to look outside of their marriage for "intimate" fulfillment. I put in the quotes because porn is not real love or intimacy.

Maybe those women had a father involved with porn and they just grew up thinking it was normal. Maybe those women have put up an emotional wall in hopes to not get hurt. Who knows exactly.

This is one reason why it is so important to speak out against porn. People need to know that this is NOT ok. Whatever circumstances you are in, pornography and all of its friends (abuse, affairs, etc) are not normal.

Never should anyone find themselves saying, "My spouse goes elsewhere for "intimacy" and it is ok with me."

Otherwise, what is the point of getting married? If you don't want a personal, private relationship?

"5 Tips to Help Parents Start the Conversation About Porn"

A good friend of mine sent me this link to pornproofkids.com:

http://pornproofkids.com/2015/02/05/ditch-the-dread-5-tips-to-help-parents-start-the-conversation-about-porn/

Lot's of parents get really scared or nervous when they consider talking to their kid(s) about pornography. And, seriously, that is understandable. It isn't a comfortable topic.

It is, however, a very important topic to discuss with your kids. The main point here is that if you don't talk to your kids about pornography, someone else will and they might not do it in a way you'd approve of.

In this day and age, everyone will be subjected to pornography at some point. Help your kids have the necessary tools to deal with those situations when the time comes.

My favorite suggestion, and one that I agree with tremendously, is #5: Name it when you see it. Call it what it is, don't skirt around the issue.

Go check it out and make sure you prepare your kids for when they encounter pornography.

Day 3: 50 Shades from an Author's perspective

One thing I find interesting about the hype around the 50 Shades franchise is the amount of authors speaking out against it and pornography.

I found multiple facebook posts, blog posts and articles about how lots of authors feel negatively about 50 shades. A common theme is: They all agree that the books are poorly written.

Many authors have commented on how shocked they are that such poor writing could become such a best seller.

Some of them have a problem with the thematic material, others don't. Some feel like the author is irresponsible for writing about dangerous acts in a way that they say doesn't portray the real danger.

Michelle Wilson, author of "Does This Insecurity Make Me Look Fat?" said in a facebook post from yesterday:

"Pornography comes in many forms, but the damage is the same. It numbs the spirit. It thwarts the realness and power of love. It creates a need and desire for more of itself."

 Michelle's Author Page: http://www.michellewilsonatlarge.com/

Another Friend of mine, Tara Mayoros, Author of "Broken Smiles" wrote this blog post yesterday on "50 Shades of Grey". It is a very good post, from the heart, on how the book affected her. It has quotes from other authors as well. Here is the link:

"Fifty Shades of Grey... my $.02 from an author's perspective."

I also read an article on how the fan fiction site that the author of 50 shades started out on is essentially not happy about the 50 shades success. They site multiple reasons including bad writing (see, it's a common theme). I was going to post the link here, and then I saw a less than appropriate picture off to the side. So, I won't post that here.

But it is an interesting side of this story.

Personally, as an author, I think that writers have a responsibility to 1) tell the truth. Even if you have a fiction piece, or a character that lies like crazy, you should have truth behind the story. Some relevance, ability to relate, etc.

2) I think that all creators and artists across all media outlets and forms should be aware of the impact that their works will have on society. Some times the only impact is that the art or writings are fun and popular. Other times an author or artist can wear away at a part of society. Some times that's good, like when an author is advocating for a needed change. And sometimes that's bad, like when a movie pushes the line of indecency. Because next time someone goes to push the line it will be further down the road and eventually we won't ever be able to see the morals of yesterday.

The Far Left - Anti Porn?

This morning I was doing some research for an upcoming article that I am writing when I came across this gem. The article discusses thoughts about why the liberal left should be adamantly anti-porn. It was written in 2011, and says that at that time most of the liberal senators were not actively anti-porn.

This article is very well written and has some very, very good points. I do think, though, that religious views or thoughts are also a very good anti-porn sentiment. Definitely not the only sentiment, but one of many.

I will fully admit that I would never describe myself as far left - or even leaning left- , however I liked this article for this reason:

This is an issue that everyone can come together on. Whether you are The liberal liberal or the conservative conservative. The point is that everyone has reason to fight pornography.

Check out the article here:

Article at the Daily Beast

Anti-Porn Clothing (and other Merchandise)

I am sure there are more stores than this that sell anti-porn clothing, but these are the ones I know about. Please comment or message me if you know of any others.

1. This week, Morality in Media is giving 10% off of all of their orders.

Go check out their store here:

http://pornharms.com/save-store-help-save-world/


When you get there, click on the "Save At Our Store" button and it will take you to their catalog. Looking through, my personal favorite is the "She is Worth More" shirt.


2. Fight the New Drug has a store at the following link:

 http://store.fightthenewdrug.org/

Remember that they are just coming off of "NoPorNovember," so they have released some new styles. Looking through here, I think that my favorite shirt is the basic "Porn Kills Love."

No Pornovember!

Fight the New Drug, a "Hip" organization that fights the Pornography problem, has proclaimed this month "No PorNovember." They are coming out with shirts and corresponding blog - posts all month.

Here is the No Pornovember announcement:

http://fightthenewdrug.org/ftnd-announces-no-porn-november/#sthash.H5AcU3BC.dpbs


Here is the t-shirt from the first week. It addresses what Pornography does "to the heart" and some of what it does to the Spouse of an addict. I think they are calling it "Arrows to the Heart."

http://fightthenewdrug.org/no-pornovember-week-1-arrows-to-the-heart/#sthash.L5H8sp7E.dpbs


Go check it out, and "Fight the New Drug!"

No Porn - November!

"Pornography Pandemic"

The Blaze ran an article the other day with a very interesting look at internet pornography. I especially found the comments about its affect on young people to be very telling. It teaches them the wrong things about intimacy and relationships. I have an article I am working on right now that briefly touches on this as well. It is a serious concern and problem as all these people don't know what a healthy, realistic relationship is because they are being taught completely wrong things.

Reading this article makes me want to read the original paper that it talks about. I am sure that I will.


http://www.theblaze.com/stories/2014/11/03/pornography-pandemic-new-article-reveals-eye-opening-dangers-of-internet-porn/