Ideas to start forgiving your spouse

Do you have a hard time forgiving others? Or does it come easy to you?

Note: forgiving someone does not mean that you turn a blind eye to the situation. And it does not mean you ignore actions. If someone held up a store, the shop owner could forgive them and at the same time try to get a court to order the robber replace what was taken/damaged. And if someone is an abuser, their victims could forgive them and at the same time get a restraining order. 

A while ago I had someone ask me if it had been hard to forgive a person in my life who had done some serious things. Repeatedly. My answer was no. 

Why? Lots of people have a hard time forgiving others. Especially when they've done something serious. So why was it easy for me to forgive?

Because of a couple of reasons 1) I wanted to forgive. I knew that it would help me heal personally, and I knew that I should forgive. So, I wanted to.

2) I felt bad for this person that made these mistakes. Sure, it was their choice and it was their decision. But I felt bad for all the pain he was causing himself.

3) Grudges aren't worth my time. 

Last Friday I had an article come out on KSL.com, titled: 5 ways to begin to forgive your spouse. I interviewed Lois Haroldsen from loisharoldsen.com and LifeStar and she had some great things to say.

Go check it out for help in forgiving.

 Click here or follow this link: http://www.ksl.com/?sid=41408880&nid=1009&title=5-ways-to-begin-to-forgive-your-spouse

TRUE LOVE vs INFATUATION

TOGETHER vs. SOLITARY

I don't think there needs to be much narrative on this. The quote speaks pretty well for itself. 

As a general rule, people should try to fall in love with an actual person . . . I'm just saying.

Respect vs Violence

This is True Love Vs. Exploitation week here on Get2theGist. It started last year, the week before Valentine's day with the boycott of the 50 shades movie. That was a crazy week for me. I blogged at least 3 times a day, I wrote an article for Deseret News, was interviewed on iHeart Radio, etc., etc. etc. 

It was all about standing up for true love, exposing pornography and abuse for what they really are, and supporting the true victims of these abusive relationships. Because it's all hurt and pain until somebody dies, right?

This is serious stuff, a living hell for everyone involved. And yet the world wants to depict pornography and abuse as acceptable. People die from these relationships getting too out of hand. All it takes is one time when things go too far, and then somebody gets hurt. 

Not to mention the whole host of spouses who are dealing with the trauma and hurt from their husband or wive's addiction. 

No matter how you look at it, putting abuse, pornography, and other forms of exploitation into a marriage is not healthy one bit.

This year, the week is going to be all about setting the record straight and finding the truth. Exposing pornography and abuse for what they really are: crap. And not anywhere near a semblance of true love.

True love is respect. It's concern for one another and caring about each other. 

Exploitation is the opposite of that. 

And no one should mistake that. 

We all deserve respect, concern, caring, peace, and support. If not from anyone else, then ourselves. Though you should always remember that the Savior has this for you and more.

What do you think true love is?

When your friend doesn't understand what it's like to deal with your husband's pornography addiction

Last night I had an article come out titled:

When your friend's husband is addicted to pornography


Follow that link to read the article.

But, what if it is you whose husband has the pornography addiction and your friend just doesn't get it? Some friends, even really good friends, can give awful advice. They may feel like they know what you should do, like they have the answers to your predicament.

They don't.

They aren't in your shoes, they don't know all of your situation. Even if you have told them everything, they haven't actually lived it. Even if their husband has also been involved with sexual addictions, they haven't actually lived your life. Every marriage, every situation, every addiction, every piece of pornography and affair and acting out is different. The way it was handled, the emotions felt, the things said, the relationship's background, are all different.

Besides, if I had to guess, you haven't actually told them everything. That thing your husband said, that thing your husband did, that thing your husband told you, that thing he blamed you for. But, even if you have told your friend everything, they still haven't lived it through your shoes. They may have good insight from their shoes, but they don't have all the answers for yours.

Remember:

1. They are not your therapist. Talking to them may be therapeutic, but they are not your therapist and are not trained to help you. (Unless your friend is a trained sexual addiction therapist, in which case lucky you!!!) Still, being your friend might make them biased... Go talk to a therapist that specializes in helping the spouses of sexual addicts.

2. If they haven't had a family member with a sexual addiction, they probably don't understand what all that addiction brings and entails. Don't take their crassness personally. They are probably confused, shocked in their own way, wanting to help you but not knowing how.  Keep your friends close, just remember that their answers won't always match the answers you are expecting. (Plus, some people who have family members with an addiction go into denial. Especially if it is their child. Even if they have experience, they may still not get it).

3.Make your own decisions. Your friend is not you, and you don't want to regret a decision you made just because your friend wanted you to.

4. If they don't ask you how you are doing, don't sweat it. I will post more about this later, but simply put I think that most women don't know how to ask you about this problem. It is a fear all women have, or a situation they are already having a problem with, and they just don't know how to help you. Don't be offended, just know they are probably scared and have no idea how to help or even ask about it. Think about if the shoe was on the other foot.


Also, remember that you are surrounded by people who get what you are going through. People who have had loved ones, spouses, children, parents, friends who have had a pornography/sexual addiction. We are a group of many. You are not alone.

What gifts really matter to you?

A few days ago I had an article publish on familyshare.com titled:

"8 gifts that your husband wants but would never say out loud"

Follow the link to find the article.

Actually, you might be surprised to find what gifts made the list. Jewelry? A new bed set? Toiletries? What?!!!!! Jenelle, have you gone crazy? 

No. 

Read the article, you'll see what I mean. But what it all comes down to is that everyone likes to feel that their wishes and likes, and the things that they need to live are being respected if at all possible. People need to know that they are cared about. 

Some of my favorite gifts have been the small things that I needed anyway. Elaborate gifts can be amazing, of course, but those won't mean much in the end if you feel like you aren't cared about on a basic level.

I know that not all women are like that, but I am. If there was only enough money to get me one gift, I would rather that gift be something I need than something I don't need, no matter how nice it is.

Like... I would choose a new set of kitchen pans over jewelry.

But keeping someone's interests and the things they actually need in mind is a great way to start looking for gifts. Don't be one of these people that buys something for a gift just because. Make it count!!!!! Put some thought into it!!!!!!

Are you like me or do you disagree? How do you feel about gifts you need versus gifts that you may want but don't need?

If you needed pans, would you choose the jewelry anyway?



Also...... I am so excited for this Friday! Come join me here at Get 2 the Gist for a chance to win an ebook written by L.G. Rollins, "Shadows of Angels." She will also join us for a guest blog post titled, "Desperate Love: True Love's Counterfeit." You won't want to miss this!

When Happy Memories are Questioned

Sometimes, when you realize a relationship has been built on lies, it makes you question the happy memories within that relationship.

The moment I realized that things were not as they seemed during some of my fondest memories, I was devastated.

In fact, there is a particular memory that still gets to me. It was a very personal, very vulnerable moment in which I felt very close to this person. I felt loved, I felt cared for, and even though it was something so small that he did for me, It was a memory that I cherished . . . for about a month. And then I found out that nothing was as it seemed. Nothing was what I thought it was.

And then I felt a conflict that I sometimes still feel with certain memories. The conflict of [I still want to consider that a good memory] vs. [yeah, but it was all a lie.]

There is no good answer. What do I do about it? What do any of us do about it?

Especially when I think specifics. Like... during some memories, he was actually simultaneously involved in something else that was tearing us apart.

What I have decided is that there are certain memories I just have to relabel. They weren't really good, I just thought they were. Now that I know the reasoning behind this person's actions, behind this person's comments and timing, it has helped me to see what was really going on. There was one time we were at a dance, having a blast. He was nervous, I thought that was cute. He made a comment that I thought meant something different than what it really meant. But that comment influenced the rest of the night. Only, I thought we were talking about something else.

Years later, he referenced that night of the dance and said something that made me realize what he had really meant by his comment and actions that night. He explained it even more, and I was disgusted.

I was crushed. My happy memory suddenly turned very sour. That is what I mean by saying that I have to relabel some memories. It wasn't good like I thought it was, and that stinks.

Then there are other memories that I just have to rely on the fact that I had a good experience. That I enjoyed myself. Even if the other person was otherwise engaged, I have a good memory and that is ok.

It is ok to separate the fact that even though the memory was surrounded by crud and lies, I enjoyed it and therefore it can stay a good memory as far as I myself am concerned.

 And some of the memories were truly good. Things that I don't think I have to relabel or come to terms with. Things that I know we both enjoyed, favorite meals, favorite places to hang out, etc. Even though things were not as they seemed on the whole, knowing that there were at least tidbits of truth helps.

I guess my point is that I will never fully understand the circumstances surrounding those memories. But it is ok to focus on the fact that it was at least truthful on my part and that I enjoyed it. I enjoyed that vacation. I enjoyed that movie. I enjoyed that family get together.

It is sad that I even have to question. That I even have to know that so many things were one sided. But the truth of the matter is that the relationship was built on lies. And that effects things in major ways.

I would rather that they had been built on truth. But, I don't want to write off years of my life and years of memories just because someone else might not have been fully committed.

A small look at how pornography/sex addiction affects the spouse

WARNING: This post is full of potential triggers for the spouse.

Finding out that your spouse is a pornography/sex addict messes with your entire life.

For starters, many feel like they loose the "safe place" that they thought their marriage was. Physical safety is complicated, since your spouse is going outside of your marriage for sexual activity. Yes, that is what viewing pornography is. Many people just don't understand the whole pornography-sexual gratification connection. But, in blunt words, the whole point of pornography viewing is to get your system going and experience a perverted version of the reaction that many feel should be kept within a marriage. This is not simply looking at pictures. If that were the case, we'd have Picasso addicts.

And we haven't even started talking about the side effects of affairs.

How is the wife or husband supposed to react to that? That their spouse, for whatever reason, is going outside of their relationship.

It's hard. Seriously hard.

Mental Safety is out the window. Addiction is greatly made up of lies. Lies that grow as the addiction grows. How do you trust your spouse that has been lying to you for months, years, decades? How do you confide in them when you know that they have a very serious second life? There are addicts that view pornography, go to massage parlors, chat rooms, strippers, hookers, sex phone lines, "work wives," etc. etc. etc. And how do they generally do all of this? Through lies. And it makes their spouse question everything in the past. They question happy memories, family pictures, vacations. Because these things now symbolize mementos from a time when they didn't know they were being lied to. "At the time this picture was taken, he was actually seeing this other woman..." that kind of thing.

And, speaking of mental safety, there is nothing like a porn addiction to make a wife feel like she is inadequate. Intimately, physically, she questions her looks and body figure. Lots of women start thinking "If only I was a better..." Housekeeper, wife, listener, mother, etc. etc. etc. Your self esteem plummets. Strong, strong women get pummeled under the crushing blows of a partner's pornography and sex addiction, and it is all they can do to not grimace at themselves when they walk past a mirror. Sometimes a woman will feel that their reflection symbolizes what their husband rejected, what they feel their husband thought wasn't good enough. Because that is how they feel. Rejected. Not good enough.

And then you get the addicts who outright tell their spouses that the addiction is their fault. That they aren't good enough. That they aren't satisfying. That if they could only give them what they want then there wouldn't be an issue.

Not all addicts are like that. But lots of them are.

They don't get that they could be having intercourse with a different woman every day and they would STILL have the addiction. Because the addiction is NOT about the spouse. It's about the addict being caught up in this never ending, addictive cycle where the addict has to keep climbing the steps and trying to find "the next best thing."

Addictions are a cycle. They go round and round, up and down, up and down. It's tiring. Lies, followed by lies, followed by admission (sometimes), followed by lies. The addict's anger, followed by moodiness, followed by a brief moment of peace, followed by anger, followed by moodiness, followed by a brief moment of peace.

And addiction builds upon itself. Once one kind of pornography doesn't work for an addict anymore, he or she will move on to another, worse type of pornography. Before long, the addict is into some really disturbing, unnerving things to be able to get his or her fix. These kinds of addictions lead to acting out, going deeper into the addiction, etc.

And then, at some point, it may all stop working. These stories of addicts who have to watch porn while they are having intercourse with their spouse to be able to get roused are unfortunately very common. Addicts often lose their sense of empathy. They lose their ability to see humans as humans. People become un-unique, dis-enchanting, things.

Pornography is a crash course in learning how to view people as objects.

And then you get the addicts who want their spouses to reenact what the addict saw in the porn.

The whole 50 shades thing... people have died from those types of addictive relationships.

Pedophelia? From what I have been told, you don't come back from that. It isn't the same type of addiction. There are some lines that, once crossed, cannot be crossed back over.

There are different levels of sex addiction. Pray that no one in your family ever has to experience them. From either the side of the spouse or the side of the addict or the side of the kids.

There was a visitor at my church who once described the addict's admission as throwing up. The addict tells all of these details, things they are into, and then after they throw it all up they feel better. But all of that throw up has to go somewhere, and it ends up all over the wife.

Some addicts are really bad about things. They can be aggressive, abusive, mean. And some addicts seem to hit a point where they turn a new leaf. Not that they can let down their guard. Addicts can relapse after years of sobriety.

There are so many things I can write here. So many things I haven't even touched base on. But lots of people just don't get and understand all of this until they've gone through it or been close enough to watch someone else go through it.

And, I know this was a post of doom and gloom, but there really is hope for many marriages. Lots of marriages come back stronger for working through this. And some REALLY great guys and girls have this awful addiction. The addict is in pain, too. They aren't happy, they aren't fulfilled, they aren't getting anywhere good. I feel for them. Luckily there are places, therapists, church leaders who can help them figure it out.

But don't forget these spouses. One thing I tell any spouse of an addict that I meet is that they are very strong. Even if I don't know them I know that they must be a strong, super-hero type person. Because no one can go through the Hell (literally applied here) of a partner's sex addiction and retain even the smallest ounce of normalcy without them being anything less than a warrior.

Lots of spouses hide their addict spouse's activities. They are embarrassed, afraid of it reflecting on them. But really they need support. Support from people who understand what the spouse goes through.

A while back I wrote an article called,

"Your spouse has a pornography addiction, now what?"

check it out here on KSL.com: http://www.ksl.com/index.php?sid=32810176&nid=1010&title=your-spouse-has-a-pornography-addiction-now-what

It goes into this topic a little bit more.

I also wrote a sister piece for the addict, which you can find here: http://www.ksl.com/?sid=32628307&nid=1010&title=you-have-a-pornography-addiction-now-what&s_cid=queue-1

A bit about me and how I got to Here.

Today I'm going to tell you a bit about me and where I am coming from.

I want to start out by saying, if you didn't know already, that I am divorced.

Gasp! Shock! "But you are so pro-marriage and working through the issues!" You say.

Which is true. If a marriage can be salvaged I think it should. Marriage is sacred to me. And I've been there. "There" as in the place where you throw all of your money, time and energy into trying to save your marriage.

"There" as in the place where just little glimmers of hope in your marriage bring you a ton of joy. You stress, you worry, you pray that everything will work out because you love this person. You hold tight to your love and hope and just keep praying. Praying that somehow your marriage will become stronger through all of it.

"There" as in the place where you'd give anything just to heal your marriage.

Yep, I've been there.

But I've also been here.

"Here" as in the place where you find out about what you didn't know before and suddenly everything changes.

"Here" as in the place where there really is no choice. "Here" is a place where a marriage has to end.

You don't easily get "Here." "There" might be a bad place for sure, no doubt about that. But I felt like "Here" was much much worse.

To get to "Here" a line has to be crossed, one that can't be crossed back over. There is no getting back to "There."

So where does that leave me? I will do anything to support those of you who are having a hard time while working through trials in your marriages. I also understand and want to support those of you who have had to deal with your marriage ending.

I think one of the biggest points here too is that one's healing from any kind of trauma does not end at the signing of divorce papers. I am still working through the things I experienced.

Whether you are married and going through ugly times or whether you are divorced after going through ugly times, we are all still having to work through the trauma. To work through the experiences.

It's all the same. We all have to give healing our due dillegence.

So, that is where I am comming from. I've been "There" and I've been "Here." I've had experience in both worlds. And I have many many friends in one world or another.

We are all dealing with the crud, and we all need to heal.

Conditioned to Accept Pornography

Isn't it interesting how some people are so anti-porn while others don't think it's that big of a deal.

Why? What makes up the difference between these two viewpoints?

Whenever I hear a woman say, "I don't care if my husband views porn," I think she's nuts!  Because at what point did that woman sit back and decide that she was ok with her husband looking at pictures of other women and inappropriate things? And that's just the first step. Porn can get much, much worse.

I think I know the answer, though. I don't think women that say things like that actually sat back and made that as a conscious decision. I'll bet they were conditioned to give you that answer over years and years of becoming desensitized to the issue.

Because NO ONE who hasn't been desensitized decides that it's ok for their spouse to look outside of their marriage for "intimate" fulfillment. I put in the quotes because porn is not real love or intimacy.

Maybe those women had a father involved with porn and they just grew up thinking it was normal. Maybe those women have put up an emotional wall in hopes to not get hurt. Who knows exactly.

This is one reason why it is so important to speak out against porn. People need to know that this is NOT ok. Whatever circumstances you are in, pornography and all of its friends (abuse, affairs, etc) are not normal.

Never should anyone find themselves saying, "My spouse goes elsewhere for "intimacy" and it is ok with me."

Otherwise, what is the point of getting married? If you don't want a personal, private relationship?

Your Husband's Pornography Addiction is Not Your Fault

Sometimes a wife will feel like her husband's addiction is at least partially caused by her. That maybe somehow she didn't satisfy her husband in some way.

Then you get some addicts that also think their addiction is partially their spouses fault for the same reasoning.

This is so backwards. So backwards. 

The spouse has nothing to do with it. How can an addict go outside of his or her marriage to get a high and then turn around and say that it is the spouse's fault? 

I found an article on this subject (Link Below) that addresses this situation really well. And one of my favorite points from it is that no matter what a wife does or does not do, it is not a license for the husband to go out and sin against her. As the author points out, turning to pornography is against the basic marriage vow.

But, even if you don't feel that turning away from your wife and turning towards pornography is a sin, it is still THE ADDICTS choice. 

I think I've shared this before, but it's like a therapist once told me: The wife could be a porn star and her husband would still have his porn addiction. Because it's not about the spouse. It's about the addiction  and addiction cycle.

To see this awesome article, follow the link:

https://www.lifesitenews.com/blogs/5-reasons-it-isnt-your-wifes-fault-that-you-use-porn

Ever Feel Like You're the Only One? A letter to Spouses of Addicts

Dear Spouse of an Addict, 

Do you ever feel like you are the only one out there going through this trial? Like no one else would understand what it's like to have a spouse with a pornography and sex addiction, even if you told them?

I think feeling like this is normal. Because, even though we are told this is a widespread problem, everyone keeps it a secret. Both the addicts and the spouses pretend that nothing is wrong. They put on a good face, no matter what is going on at home.

Admit it. You probably do this too. 

And sometimes it is for a very good reason. I get it. There are a ton of reasons (and many of them very valid and good) that you would want to put on a good face and tell the world everything is ok.

But, good reasons or not, it means that no one talks about it. Understandable or not, it means that most spouses feel alone in their trials. Like they are the only one going through this.

Every time you get together with your best friend Sally she talks about how gushingly amazing her husband is, how he always brings her a single rose when he comes home from work, how he makes her breakfast every Saturday morning, how he spends hours every weekend teaching their kids to play basketball.

It's hard to hear. Because Sally tells you about this perfect life with her husband that you feel you can only dream about.

But here is what's hard to tell. Sally may have the perfect relationship. Her husband may bring her roses because he loves her, he may make her breakfast every Saturday morning because he'd like to give her the chance to sleep in, he may be spend hours shooting hoops every weekend because he wants that quality time with his kids. 

Or... is she thinking the same thing you are? Is she looking at you and listening to all the things you DON'T tell her and feeling like she's all alone. Because how could you, her friend, understand what she is going through? You also always portray a great relationship with your husband. So then she does the same thing you do and puts on a mask. She doesn't say that he brings roses home because he feels guilty, she doesn't say that he makes breakfast on Saturday mornings because he likes to tell people that's what he does, and she doesn't say that he shoots hoops with the kids all weekend because things are so tense between them that they need a break.

Some people really do have a great relationship. And some people just put on a brave face. Is that so hard to believe? After all, you do it too.

There are some really great guys out there, and some really great relationships. But don't get down on yourself thinking that yours is the only one with troubles. 

It just isn't true. 

Especially in my position here, I meet people all the time who have gone through or who are going through the trials of having an addict partner. They are everywhere. And most of them are keeping their trials a secret. 

So know that you are not alone. I've talked before about talking to a trusted someone, church leader, or therapist or a therapist-run spouses of addicts group. Do it. Please do it. But even if you don't, just know that you are in no way the only one going through trials like yours.

Please, please don't feel alone.

Your friend,

Jenelle

Forgiving Yourself

Forgiving ourselves can be one of the hardest things we do in life.

Sometimes a spouse of an addict will change him or herself to fit what they think their spouse needs, and then later they regret it. Sometimes the spouse chooses to change herself. Like how some women decide to get implants or plastic surgery to try and better please their partner. Or some women try to do things they aren't otherwise comfortable with because they think that is what will save their marriage. And then they regret that decision.

Other times a partner of an addict will change unintentionally. I've have multiple therapists in the past tell me that the spouse of an addict will react and respond to their spouses addiction, even if she doesn't know that it is there. It is still a force in your marriage, and both partners respond to it.

Some of the unintentional changes I've seen or heard about are sadness, not doing the things you used to love anymore, keeping the peace over standing up for what is right, overlooking or being blind to more red flags and warning signs, etc. Or some women just can't believe they fell for the act in the first place.

These are all things that can be hard to forgive yourself for. You think, "I should have seen that coming," "I was blinded by love," "I should have had more respect for myself and not tried to change me."

I don't think I have met a spouse of an addict yet that didn't regret something or that wasn't having a hard time forgiving themselves. Which is really harsh considering that they were thrown into the situation. It's a little like saying, "I can't believe that guy pushed me out of the hot air balloon. How could I not have packed a parachute?"

This last week I found a blog post on Michelle Wilson's blog where she talks about forgiveness. My favorite quote from her post is this:

"I was and am imperfect, but I know Who makes me perfect. I have been forgiven. I have been changed. I know who I am now, and I like me very much."

I love that. "I know who I am now, and I like me very much."

I don't think having a little bit of healthy shame or regret is bad. But then we need to move on and take what we have learned in stride. Focus on the person who you want to become, and don't let your past hold you back from that. Especially if you are the spouse of an addict, remember that the addiction is not your fault. You were victimized and put in a very traumatic situation. But you need to stay true to what is right.

Stay Strong, Carry On. Be who you want to be. Do the things that can allow you to say, "I know who I am now, and I like me very much."

"After all, tomorrow is another day." - "Gone With the Wind"

Go check out Michelle's blog post at:

Change, Forgiveness, and Freedom - a Very Personal Post

"Say Something"

If you've listened to the radio recently you've heard the song "Say Something" by A Great Big World.

When someone is the spouse of an addict they often have many of their securities stripped away. They may feel like they have been discarded, shamed, disrespected and forgotten. Then, to add even more insult to the injury, sometimes addicts don't acknowledge that their spouses have been affected by the addiction as well.

Sometimes all you need is to hear an "I love you" or an "I'm sorry" or a "Hey, thank you for working on this with me."

Here you put all this energy into working through your spouses addiction and they barely acknowledge that you care.

Everytime I hear the song "Say Something" I am reminded of this. You want them to just say something!

I'm not suggesting that they say things they don't mean, just for the sake of talking. But a simple acknowledgement that their actions have affected others can go a long way.

Or sometimes they may say sorry at the very beginning, when their spouses find out about the addiction. But then they do everything to try and ignore the fact that their spouse has been effected as well and that dealing with the addiction is an ongoing situation for everyone involved.

This isn't always the case of course, but I've seen it happen many times.

I can appreciate that it is hard to admit when you've hurt someone. But sometimes the simplest forms of communication can help ease the pain of those you have hurt. A hug, a "sorry" a "thank you."

Now, remember I'm not a therapist. I'm just reflecting what I have seen.

For the spouses of addicts reading this out there, know that there are others like you out there. And just because your spouse may not aknowledge your effort doesn't mean it's not there. It takes a lot of strength to go through what you are going through.

You may not feel very strong in your situation at this time, but you are strong. There is no way you couldn't be.

Day 6: True Love

This last week I posted a lot about abuse and abusive relationships. The thought kept sticking with me: this is not how it is supposed to be. Husbands and wives are supposed to love and respect one another. Neither one of them is supposed to belittle the other, demean the other, bruise the other, threaten the other.

Physical, sexual, emotional, or whatever kind of abuse. None of it is good. None of it is "True Love." It's the opposite of love. Abuse is the opposite of love.

So then I thought, if abuse is the polar opposite of love, what kind of love would be the at the other pole?

What is the best kind of love?

Some might say that service is the best kind of love. Or maybe a verbal declaration. Maybe it's priority or kindness. Perhaps it's when your spouse is faithful to you and your relationship. All of these are great answers. The world would be a lot better if everyone would give answers like these.

These are glimpses of the best kind of love, but not the complete package. Not by a long shot.

I can say without a shadow of a doubt that the best love is charity. The pure love of Christ.

Whatever religion you associate with, I am sure that most of us would agree that our beliefs coincide with treating each other well, caring for each other and showing kindness.

I believe that Christ died for us and atoned for our sins and I believe that the abuse that goes on in this world is so far from what he wants for us.

This is not how it's supposed to be.

How can we live in a world where we have such a good example of love as Christ and still have people that try to degrade a fellow human being with such ferociousness? We have someone who atoned for us so that we can have eternal hope, and yet there are people who take pleasure in creating a situation seemingly void of hope.

And sometimes these abusers even claim to "love" their victim.

It's disgusting. It's humiliating. It's wrong.

This is not how it's supposed to be.

Day 4: There must be action behind the words: "I Love You"

Today I am sharing what another one of my cousins has to say about showing someone that you love them. I think this is such a great answer! Jared says:

“I see my wife's sacrifices for me, which I appreciate. But my son shows me a new kind of love. He has little to sacrifice for me, but when says, "Daddy, sit next to me," or "Daddy, play with me," I know that he loves me. I become important to them. I become a priority to them. I feel their love in those ways not because it is validating in some way, but because I know that of all the things my wife could be doing or of all the toys my son could play with, they chose me over all of it. It's humbling, because it's a constant reminder that though I don't deserve it, I need to be worthy of it.”

“It's hard to give a definitive answer to the "best" way to show love. But I think that it becomes love when another person is constantly at the top of your priorities—especially ahead of your own needs or wants. I can't always be with my family, but they are my priority and it is for them that I go to work for most of the day. It's not rare for me to say, "I love you," but there must be action behind the words so that the sentence becomes more of an explanation for everything I have done for them rather than an apology for what I have done for myself.”

I love the last words about there needing to be action behind saying “I love you.” It isn’t an explanation about why things aren’t a certain way, or as Jared says an “apology.” The words “I Love You” should just re-affirm what you have already showed them.

Speaking of Jared Heath, I want to give a shout out to him and his book. He’s the author of “The Sound in the Silence” and an awesome cousin!

Day 1: Examples of Real, true love

Love Vs. Lust.

Stories like 50 Shades of Grey are all about lust. Instant Gratification, performance performance performance, Selfishness, only pleasing yourself, etc. None of these qualities describe a relationship with true love.

Real relationships with real love are sweet, caring, patient, and the physical activities aren't hurtful or demeaning.

Real Love is when your spouse values your advice.

Real Love is waking up to find that your husband let you sleep in while he did the dishes.

Real Love is when your wife calls just to say she loves you.

Real Love is when your husband asks how your day went.

Real Love is doing chores, driving the kids around, making budgets, praying, worrying about a lost job or a wayward child, staying up all night with a sick child, etc. etc. etc. together.

It's real life, dealing with the day to day together and loving doing those things together that is true love.

Real love is respect.

My Grandma and Grandpa had a deal that he would never have to go with her into a fabric store if she never had to go with him into an army navy surplus store. I love that!

There's a place I used to go when I was younger that had a live band and dancing, only the band played exclusively oldies music, jazz and those sorts of things, and 99% of the patrons were over the age of 70. I loved seeing those old couples dancing around the floor. It wasn't fast, it wasn't very lively, it was sweet. They were there to spend the evening together and that's all that mattered.

Was I Stupid?

It's like fingernails on a chalkboard when the spouse of an addict says:

"How could I have been so stupid?"

Or just,

"I was so stupid."

I'll admit to saying this. And frequently. And even when I hear it come out of my own mouth I know how wrong it is, and the nails on the chalkboard sound in my ears.

Why do we say this? Sometimes because we feel like we should have known about our partner's addiction. I think sometimes we feel like we're stupid because the relationship changed us or because we don't know what to do about any of it. Sometimes I think spouses feel like they were stupid for having put their trust in someone that turned out to be an addict.

And even when you have the knowledge that it's not your fault and that your partner's addiction has nothing to do with you, it's hard to convince yourself.

Someone once pointed out to me that good marriages have partners who trust each other, who put their whole hearts on the line. This is what you are supposed to do. Otherwise you aren't trying very hard. You are supposed to hope for the best and trust your partner.

They said that just because you find out that your partner has a pornography addiction doesn't mean that you were stupid for doing the above things. You were supposed to trust your partner and give them your heart.

And I fully agree with them.

In fact, I think that the fact that you are hurting and sad over their addiction and/or behavior proves that you were doing things right. It proves that you put your heart into your marriage.

And that is the way it is supposed to be.

It doesn't make you stupid. Putting your heart into your marriage, trusting your spouse, and hoping for the best are all a part of a good marriage.

Besides, hind sight is 20/20. Judging yourself in hindsight is a harsh business.

Is it withdrawals? ???

Someone once told me that an addict's mood may get worse before it gets better. Why? Because they may be going through withdrawals.

This was so frustrating to hear.

Because really, as spouses, you are already dealing with more crap than you ever thought you could handle. And, as addicts, I can imagine it's a bit of a scary jump. And, there's no way of sugarcoating this, but when someone is trapped in an addiction cycle they can be a bit of a . . . pill already.  So to say that it could get worse is super scary.

One of the most frustrating things about this is that the spouse doesn't know if the addict is reacting to withdrawals or if his mood is still a reaction to the continuing addiction cycle. After the first few rounds of wondering this, only to find out that your spouse is not in fact having withdrawals? It's exhausting.

I guess this all makes sense though. It's like the Little House on the Prairie episode where Pa is helping the drunk become sober. Or the episode where Pa is helping Albert get off of drugs. In each case they get a lot worse before they get better.

I love Little House on the Prairie Analogies.

Just because it is normal for someone to get moody durring wihdrawals doesn't mean it's good. I think that addicts sometimes forget that everyone around them is also being dragged through this saga.

To the Addicts: Your spouses are probably hanging on by a thread as it is, they are tired, they are sad, they may be feeling rejected to say the least. Obviously they want you to "sober up," but keep their feelings in mind while you are doing it. You will be much better off in the long run if you remember this. And so will your spouse. It is a lot easier to be nice than it is to try and take things back afterword.

Stronger Marriages

I love when I hear stories of couples who have gone through the trial of a pornography addiction and were able to come out stronger and closer than they ever were before.

I know that, for whatever reason, that isn't always the case. It sometimes doesn't work out like that. Sometimes it can't. Sometimes there are even other factors involved. I know.

But sometimes I will hear people talking about how this marriage broke up, and that marriage broke up, etc. etc. etc. I always try to remind them that there are also those cases in which the couple is able to work it out. Is it easy? No. Even commiting to trying to work on a marriage with an addict is hard. That's the truth. It is hard. No way around it. But people do it all the time.

I also know very well that there are some situations in which divorce is the only choice. Can't think of one? You're lucky if you can't and I honestly wish I was you. I really hate divorce, though. And even in the cases where you don't have a choice, divorce is not easy. It is really hard. Really hard and really expensive. Monetarily, emotionally, time-wise expensive. It is what it is. And it's not fun.

I've done both. In my situation I found myself in what I consider to be two separate time periods. The time period when I was devoted to working it out, no matter the pain I was going through, and the time period when I realized that my situation was on a whole different level than I had previously realized. A lot of my experience comes from each of those time periods, which means I have been able to relate to many other situations that I hear.

I wish I couldn't. I wish that I hadn't gone through events that meant I could relate. But I did. And it has been a blessing in many ways to be able to speak with people and understand what they are telling me.

But, for the record and for all of the people that can relate to what I am saying, I truly hope that you find yourself in a position to be able to work things out in your marriage. To be able to find peace and happiness. I have met many people and heard of even more people who were able to work through this trial and end up, still working as always, closer to their spouses than they ever were before.

What an amazing thing to be able to do that. We do live in a day where pornography and sexual addiction is attacking our lives. Thank goodness we also live in a day where there are so many recourses fighting and supporting the help of those with these addictions.

Good luck, whichever of these situatins in which you may find yourself.