What people told me about 50 Shades

A couple of years ago I wrote an article on the 50 Shades Boycott. I also blogged ALOT on the subject. The second movie in the Series, 50 Shades Darker, came out a few weeks ago and I wondered:


How do people really feel about these movies?


So, I interviewed people on the street and asked them. I got some very interesting responses, and ended up doing some looking around to see how the responses compared to the research on the franchise.


You should go check out my article published by Deseret News HERE. Or paste this link into your browser:

  http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865674797/Jenelle-Stone-I-asked-people-on-the-street-how-they-feel-about-Fifty-Shades-Darker-Here7s-what.html

 The article has a link to the video I made from the responses and research.

Respect vs Violence

This is True Love Vs. Exploitation week here on Get2theGist. It started last year, the week before Valentine's day with the boycott of the 50 shades movie. That was a crazy week for me. I blogged at least 3 times a day, I wrote an article for Deseret News, was interviewed on iHeart Radio, etc., etc. etc. 

It was all about standing up for true love, exposing pornography and abuse for what they really are, and supporting the true victims of these abusive relationships. Because it's all hurt and pain until somebody dies, right?

This is serious stuff, a living hell for everyone involved. And yet the world wants to depict pornography and abuse as acceptable. People die from these relationships getting too out of hand. All it takes is one time when things go too far, and then somebody gets hurt. 

Not to mention the whole host of spouses who are dealing with the trauma and hurt from their husband or wive's addiction. 

No matter how you look at it, putting abuse, pornography, and other forms of exploitation into a marriage is not healthy one bit.

This year, the week is going to be all about setting the record straight and finding the truth. Exposing pornography and abuse for what they really are: crap. And not anywhere near a semblance of true love.

True love is respect. It's concern for one another and caring about each other. 

Exploitation is the opposite of that. 

And no one should mistake that. 

We all deserve respect, concern, caring, peace, and support. If not from anyone else, then ourselves. Though you should always remember that the Savior has this for you and more.

What do you think true love is?

A small look at how pornography/sex addiction affects the spouse

WARNING: This post is full of potential triggers for the spouse.

Finding out that your spouse is a pornography/sex addict messes with your entire life.

For starters, many feel like they loose the "safe place" that they thought their marriage was. Physical safety is complicated, since your spouse is going outside of your marriage for sexual activity. Yes, that is what viewing pornography is. Many people just don't understand the whole pornography-sexual gratification connection. But, in blunt words, the whole point of pornography viewing is to get your system going and experience a perverted version of the reaction that many feel should be kept within a marriage. This is not simply looking at pictures. If that were the case, we'd have Picasso addicts.

And we haven't even started talking about the side effects of affairs.

How is the wife or husband supposed to react to that? That their spouse, for whatever reason, is going outside of their relationship.

It's hard. Seriously hard.

Mental Safety is out the window. Addiction is greatly made up of lies. Lies that grow as the addiction grows. How do you trust your spouse that has been lying to you for months, years, decades? How do you confide in them when you know that they have a very serious second life? There are addicts that view pornography, go to massage parlors, chat rooms, strippers, hookers, sex phone lines, "work wives," etc. etc. etc. And how do they generally do all of this? Through lies. And it makes their spouse question everything in the past. They question happy memories, family pictures, vacations. Because these things now symbolize mementos from a time when they didn't know they were being lied to. "At the time this picture was taken, he was actually seeing this other woman..." that kind of thing.

And, speaking of mental safety, there is nothing like a porn addiction to make a wife feel like she is inadequate. Intimately, physically, she questions her looks and body figure. Lots of women start thinking "If only I was a better..." Housekeeper, wife, listener, mother, etc. etc. etc. Your self esteem plummets. Strong, strong women get pummeled under the crushing blows of a partner's pornography and sex addiction, and it is all they can do to not grimace at themselves when they walk past a mirror. Sometimes a woman will feel that their reflection symbolizes what their husband rejected, what they feel their husband thought wasn't good enough. Because that is how they feel. Rejected. Not good enough.

And then you get the addicts who outright tell their spouses that the addiction is their fault. That they aren't good enough. That they aren't satisfying. That if they could only give them what they want then there wouldn't be an issue.

Not all addicts are like that. But lots of them are.

They don't get that they could be having intercourse with a different woman every day and they would STILL have the addiction. Because the addiction is NOT about the spouse. It's about the addict being caught up in this never ending, addictive cycle where the addict has to keep climbing the steps and trying to find "the next best thing."

Addictions are a cycle. They go round and round, up and down, up and down. It's tiring. Lies, followed by lies, followed by admission (sometimes), followed by lies. The addict's anger, followed by moodiness, followed by a brief moment of peace, followed by anger, followed by moodiness, followed by a brief moment of peace.

And addiction builds upon itself. Once one kind of pornography doesn't work for an addict anymore, he or she will move on to another, worse type of pornography. Before long, the addict is into some really disturbing, unnerving things to be able to get his or her fix. These kinds of addictions lead to acting out, going deeper into the addiction, etc.

And then, at some point, it may all stop working. These stories of addicts who have to watch porn while they are having intercourse with their spouse to be able to get roused are unfortunately very common. Addicts often lose their sense of empathy. They lose their ability to see humans as humans. People become un-unique, dis-enchanting, things.

Pornography is a crash course in learning how to view people as objects.

And then you get the addicts who want their spouses to reenact what the addict saw in the porn.

The whole 50 shades thing... people have died from those types of addictive relationships.

Pedophelia? From what I have been told, you don't come back from that. It isn't the same type of addiction. There are some lines that, once crossed, cannot be crossed back over.

There are different levels of sex addiction. Pray that no one in your family ever has to experience them. From either the side of the spouse or the side of the addict or the side of the kids.

There was a visitor at my church who once described the addict's admission as throwing up. The addict tells all of these details, things they are into, and then after they throw it all up they feel better. But all of that throw up has to go somewhere, and it ends up all over the wife.

Some addicts are really bad about things. They can be aggressive, abusive, mean. And some addicts seem to hit a point where they turn a new leaf. Not that they can let down their guard. Addicts can relapse after years of sobriety.

There are so many things I can write here. So many things I haven't even touched base on. But lots of people just don't get and understand all of this until they've gone through it or been close enough to watch someone else go through it.

And, I know this was a post of doom and gloom, but there really is hope for many marriages. Lots of marriages come back stronger for working through this. And some REALLY great guys and girls have this awful addiction. The addict is in pain, too. They aren't happy, they aren't fulfilled, they aren't getting anywhere good. I feel for them. Luckily there are places, therapists, church leaders who can help them figure it out.

But don't forget these spouses. One thing I tell any spouse of an addict that I meet is that they are very strong. Even if I don't know them I know that they must be a strong, super-hero type person. Because no one can go through the Hell (literally applied here) of a partner's sex addiction and retain even the smallest ounce of normalcy without them being anything less than a warrior.

Lots of spouses hide their addict spouse's activities. They are embarrassed, afraid of it reflecting on them. But really they need support. Support from people who understand what the spouse goes through.

A while back I wrote an article called,

"Your spouse has a pornography addiction, now what?"

check it out here on KSL.com: http://www.ksl.com/index.php?sid=32810176&nid=1010&title=your-spouse-has-a-pornography-addiction-now-what

It goes into this topic a little bit more.

I also wrote a sister piece for the addict, which you can find here: http://www.ksl.com/?sid=32628307&nid=1010&title=you-have-a-pornography-addiction-now-what&s_cid=queue-1

Day 5: The Psychology behind 50 Shades

Whew! Welcome to Day Five! It's the second to last day of our discredit 50 Shades/ Pro-True Love Week. For today's post on showing the true nature of 50 shades, I'm sending you over to the folks at LifeStar Therapy Network. They have written an article on, essentially, the psychology within and behind the 50 Shades books.

It analyzes Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele. Their past, their reasoning, their journey within the book.

It relates the story to real life situations and couples dealing with sexual addiction.

The article is called, "Fifty Shades of Grey: Why Unhealthy Sexual Addictions Hurt Both Men and Women.

Here is the link: http://www.lifestartherapy.com/fifty-shades-of-grey-why-unhealthy-sexual-addictions-hurt-both-men-women/#more-1396

I keep starting to write a little synopsis, but really you just need to go and read LifeStar's article.

Relationships like the Grey/Steele one are very real and serious. It isn't something that should be taken lightly.

Day 4: Statistics on Victims of Domestic Abuse

= Victim!!!!!!!!!!

The graphic above portrays Anastasia from 50 Shades. She is the victim in an abusive relationship. The real stories of victims in 50 Shade type relationships are living through their own little type of Hell.

For today's post on domestic violence victims, I thought I'd share some statistics. Follow the links for more.

These are so sad.



These Stats are from the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (http://www.ncadv.org/learn/statistics)

• "On average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States. During one year, this equates to more than 10 million women and men"

• "Intimate partner violence accounts for 15% of all violent crime."

• "72% of all murder-suicides involve an intimate partner; 94% of the victims of these murder suicides are female."

• "Almost half of female (46.7%) and male (44.9%) victims of rape in the United States were raped by an acquaintance. Of these, 45.4% of female rape victims and 29% of male rape victims were raped by an intimate partner"

• Physical, mental, and sexual and reproductive health effects have been linked with intimate partner violence including adolescent pregnancy, unintended pregnancy in general, miscarriage, stillbirth, intrauterine haemorrhage, nutritional deficiency, abdominal pain and other gastrointestinal problems, neurological disorders, chronic pain, disability, anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), as well as noncommunicable diseases such as hypertension, cancer and cardiovascular diseases. Victims of domestic violence are also at higher risk for developing addictions to alcohol, tobacco, or drugs

The Following Stats are from an article at the Huffington Post:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/10/23/domestic-violence-statistics_n_5959776.html

• 3 women are murdered every day by a current or former male partner in the U.S.

• "4,774,000 - The number of women in the U.S. who experience physical violence by an intimate partner ever year."

Day 3: Recognizing a Potential Abuser

=Abuser!!!

Here is an awesome article on WebMD on recognizing a potential abuser.

http://www.webmd.com/women/features/domestic-abuse-recognizing-potential-abuser-feature

It has a lot of good points and things to think about. Like how some potential abusers try to isolate you and push the relationship faster and faster.

I highly recommend this article!!!!!


Also, I found another article from the perspective of a victim. It's about a girl who found out her boyfriend had a pornography problem and then that problem escalated to abuse. Check it out:

http://fightthenewdrug.org/true-story-my-boyfriend-porn-addict-turned-abuser/#sthash.xlGCWvfl.dpbs

Day 3: 50 Shades from an Author's perspective

One thing I find interesting about the hype around the 50 Shades franchise is the amount of authors speaking out against it and pornography.

I found multiple facebook posts, blog posts and articles about how lots of authors feel negatively about 50 shades. A common theme is: They all agree that the books are poorly written.

Many authors have commented on how shocked they are that such poor writing could become such a best seller.

Some of them have a problem with the thematic material, others don't. Some feel like the author is irresponsible for writing about dangerous acts in a way that they say doesn't portray the real danger.

Michelle Wilson, author of "Does This Insecurity Make Me Look Fat?" said in a facebook post from yesterday:

"Pornography comes in many forms, but the damage is the same. It numbs the spirit. It thwarts the realness and power of love. It creates a need and desire for more of itself."

 Michelle's Author Page: http://www.michellewilsonatlarge.com/

Another Friend of mine, Tara Mayoros, Author of "Broken Smiles" wrote this blog post yesterday on "50 Shades of Grey". It is a very good post, from the heart, on how the book affected her. It has quotes from other authors as well. Here is the link:

"Fifty Shades of Grey... my $.02 from an author's perspective."

I also read an article on how the fan fiction site that the author of 50 shades started out on is essentially not happy about the 50 shades success. They site multiple reasons including bad writing (see, it's a common theme). I was going to post the link here, and then I saw a less than appropriate picture off to the side. So, I won't post that here.

But it is an interesting side of this story.

Personally, as an author, I think that writers have a responsibility to 1) tell the truth. Even if you have a fiction piece, or a character that lies like crazy, you should have truth behind the story. Some relevance, ability to relate, etc.

2) I think that all creators and artists across all media outlets and forms should be aware of the impact that their works will have on society. Some times the only impact is that the art or writings are fun and popular. Other times an author or artist can wear away at a part of society. Some times that's good, like when an author is advocating for a needed change. And sometimes that's bad, like when a movie pushes the line of indecency. Because next time someone goes to push the line it will be further down the road and eventually we won't ever be able to see the morals of yesterday.

Day 2: Messages from 50 Shades

Welcome to Day 2 of "Discredit 50 Shades" and "Pro-True Love" Week. Wow that's a mouthful. 

I was just introduced to educateempowerkids.org and on it I found this article, written by a Dad. He talks about his feelings on 50 Shades of Grey and what affects he thinks it has on society. I decided to share this article for two reasons 1) He is exactly right and 2) It's written by a man, which I think gives a unique view point in and of itself. 

http://educateempowerkids.org/using-dangerous-messages-fifty-shades-start-dialogue-kids/

He raises a question that is commonly asked among the boycotting parties: Would you really want your son or daughter to be abused like this? Or, for that matter, the abuser? Because 50 Shades of Grey teaches that relationships like this are ok.

Day 1: 50 Shades: A Story of Abuse

I thought I'd share some of my top resources on this subject with you. 

https://www.facebook.com/50dollarsnotfiftyshades    : this is the facebook page for the #50dollarsnot50shades campaign. They are asking that patrons skip going to the 50 Shades of Grey movie and donate 50 dollars to a domestic violence shelter/agency instead. Because that is where a lot of the woman who are in 50 shades type relationships end up.  

The facebook page is pretty cool, you can go and see some of the donations that people have given to Shelters as part of the boycott, they have links to articles and to other sites. 

One of their links leads to an article written by Dr. Gail Dines where she says that the movie's real title should be 50 Shades of Black and Blue.  

http://endsexualexploitation.org/fiftyshadesgrey/  : this page has a ton of resources on it. It talks about what is in the book, the abuse and male domination. It talks about how the book affects society and why it is such a big deal. There is a ton of information on this page. It is also who is sharing these awesome graphics in this post with us!

The last one I'm going to share with you today is https://www.lifesitenews.com/petitions/50-shades-boycott . It's a petition that visitors can sign to join the boycott. Go check it out.

The main argument here is that 50 Shades of Grey is being marketed as a love story, when in reality it is a story of abuse. The man Grey, does horrible horrible things to the woman, Anastasia and hollywood is trying to market those horrible things as romantic. They are trying to market domestic violence as romantic.

Yuck!