Have you seen the 2016 Dirty Dozen List?

Have you seen the yearly Dirty Dozen List put out by the National Center on Sexual Exploitation?

The idea is that these dozen companies/organizations are the 12 leading facilitators of sexual exploitation.

HBO, Sexpresso Cafe (shocker that this made the list, right?), and the DOJ are a few of those on the 2016 list.

Follow this LINK and see for yourself. Also, scroll down and see some of the victories from the past Dirty Dozen Lists and NCOSE work!

6 important steps in quitting porn

Have I told you recently that LifeStar therapy is amazing? They help so many people who are struggling with the effects of sexual addiction, they offer a life line to both addicts and their families.

Recently LifeStar published an article, "How To Quit Porn, 6 Important Steps To Breaking Your Addiction." 

I would highly recommend this article, whether you or your loved one are at the beginning of breaking this addiction, or are somewhere in the middle.

It is a good reminder of hope, that with some elbow grease anything is possible, and that you don't have to go through the rest of your life with this awful addiction.

It can be overcome.

It can be conquered.

Read the article and let me know what you think!

Dealing with your spouse's addiction: Finding the Spark (Guest Blog Post)

Today we have a Guest Blog Post written by Alicia from brabadges.blogspot.com ! I am so excited to share this with you, and you should go check out her blog when you are done reading here. I asked her to answer the question: What has helped you the most in dealing with your spouse's addiction? Because this is something that so many people are needing help with. And when you are at that point you might want to hear what has helped someone else.

By Alicia:

I love the 3rd verse of "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star."  Have you read it?

"Then the traveller in the dark, 

Thanks you for your tiny spark, 

He could not see which way to go, 

If you did not twinkle so."

I remember my Traveller Days, and they were so dark.  No one knew my secret because I believed it wasn't mine to tell.  People around me talked openly about my secret, never knowing.

"If my husband ever looked at pornography, I'd leave him."

I remembered thinking the same thing until it happened to me.

"Porn is such a problem right now... it's breaking families up."

If it was such a problem, why did I feel so alone?

I couldn't find any spark, let alone any light.  The cycle of addiction seemed to run our home.  We operated around where my husband was at emotionally.  I worked hard to keep my kids safe, to keep my husband happy.  I always came up short, but I never stopped trying to be "more."

More thin.

More easy-going.

More sexy.

Sweeter.

Kinder.

Funnier.

Tidier.

I stopped focusing on my own needs and allowed them to be swallowed up in what I perceived to be my husband's needs.  No matter how hard I tried, no matter how many books I read or strategies I came up with... he would always return to his addiction.  I tried keeping tabs on him, following up with articles I'd asked him to read, and reasoning with him.

One day, six years into our marriage and after a year without my husband relapsing, I uncovered more lies.  I hit my rock bottom.  The emotional pain was so intense, it morphed into physical pain.  My heart hurt so badly, I clutched at my chest.  I couldn't believe this was my life, my story.

I cried myself to sleep and the next morning I told myself if I could find tiny spark -just one story of one person who had made it though a story like mine -I could make it through that next day.

I found a book online that led me to a 12-step support group.  At first I only attended with the intention to listen.  All I really wanted was to look into the eyes of another person going through what I was going through.  I had travelled in the dark for much too long.  I needed light.

I found sparks that night.  It only took a few meetings of "only listening" to really intrigue me.  I began working the steps myself.

Today, six years later, I attend two meetings each week.  I work my steps with a sponsor.  I attend counseling and reach out to a trusted spiritual adviser.  

I have found a great deal of truth working the 12-steps.  They have brought me to a place of serenity.  The journey has not been easy or painless... in fact, it has been very hard and very painful.  I repeat the serenity prayer each week and appreciate the reminder that, "pain is the pathway to progress."

I have learned I can let go of what I can't control (the past, others, the future...) and focus on what I can control -myself.

Working the 12-steps is like looking through a REALLY clean mirror... I can see my strengths and weaknesses, my pride and my humility.  It is almost as scary as it is empowering.  I have the direction I need to take hold of my life and live to my full potential, regardless of my husband's choices.

I live one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time -my path lit by the sparks of those who walked the path before I did.

It affects you, whether you know or not

A spouse is dealing with their husband's or wife's addiction, even if they don't know about it. Because whether you recognize it or not, if the addiction is there you will react to it.

It's like the Elephant in the room. Even if you don't see the Elephant to know what it is, you will see the crushed furniture, you will smell that beautiful aroma (gross) and you will hear some weird sounds.

Ok, that's a bad example. But it fits. Even if you don't see the addiction to know what it is, you may notice things like moodiness, lack of empathy, you may hear stories that don't quite match up. Things like that.

It may sound weird, but this comforted me a little when I found out about my family member's addiction. Why? Because up until finding out about the addiction there were a ton of seemingly unexplainable things. He would fight with me over the strangest things, he would be moody and get upset over things like me asking if he could grab me a drink of water (when I was sick and pregnant). These things made me feel awful and worried about why our relationship was struggling like that. I hated being growled and grunted at. Yes, growled and grunted at. Literally: GRRRRRRRRRR! A deep, gutteral sound from the stomach... Just a few examples of my personal experience.

Finding out about the addiction was like a puzzle piece for me. An aha moment. The comfort came in knowing that all of those things were NOT NORMAL. That there was a massive influencing factor. That maybe it didn't have to be like that forever.

Because there were even bigger influencing factors, I am no longer in a relationship with this person. But, even so, I am grateful for this knowledge that all of those things that happened before finding out about the addiction were NOT NORMAL. As a friend, a spouse, a parent, a kid, it is good to know that that those kinds of things should not be a part of your relationship. Our relationship was never given a normal chance because the addiction was always a part of it, I just didn't know it. There was nothing normal about our relationship. Which helps me to put things in perspective.

New: $500 DISCOUNT for the LifeStar 6 day Intensive Outpatient Program !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so excited to post this coupon!!!!!!! We posted a similar coupon last year, and I have been looking forward to doing this again!

Life Star is a therapy network that specializes in treatment for pornography and sexual addiction. I personally think that they are amazing! This year they have agreed to give you a $500 discount towards their 6 day Intensive Outpatient Program.

And, honestly, who couldn't use a $500 discount? Treatment for an addiction is such an important thing, and getting that treatment for a good price is so helpful!

The 6-day Intensive Outpatient program is for pornography and sexual addicts who need a boost in their recovery. For more information on the program, visit: http://www.lifestartherapy.com/take-your-life-back/  .

All you have to do is call 888-980-1600 through February 23, 2016, mention this blog and coupon, and they will give you a $500 discount. How awesome is that!!!

Call the number - 888-980-1600

Visit the website - http://www.lifestartherapy.com/take-your-life-back/

Even if you are just wanting to find out more about the program, give them a call and they'll help you out.

Don't forget to mention the Get to the Gist blog to get your discount. Do it quick, because this offer is only good through February 23, 2016!

My Armor

Ever heard the phrase, "Take it with a grain of salt?"

That's pretty much the rule of thumb when talking with a sex addict. At least in my life. I get called all sorts of names and things, I get blamed for everything under the sun.

I take it all with a grain of salt. I'm used to it. Which is bitter sweet. At one point, no one should be used to that kind of treatment. On the other hand, it doesn't reach me any more. Say what he will, I know it isn't true.

My skin is a lot thicker now than it was right after I found out about the addiction. I have an armor on that I hadn't even know I needed before. So, how do you get that armor? How do you get thicker skin?

Don't give in to the lies.

Someone says you aren't worth anything? Don't feel bad for yourself, feel bad for them. What you are seeing is their own insecurities.

All addicts are human, they are not all knowing beings who can evaluate your worth.

NONE OF US ARE QUALIFIED TO EVALUATE ANYONE'S WORTH. Not even our own. Worth is something so great, so far beyond our human comprehension.

In the movies, the soldiers often put on their armor before they get attacked. They prepare. They can see the attack coming and they gear up. They put on their armor, they say their prayers, and they get their family to a safe place.

Unfortunately, I think too many family members of addicts earn their armor after the attack has started. It's disorienting to suddenly find yourself in a war zone, to suddenly realize that you need emotional (and sometimes physical) protection. (Note: I don't ever condone someone staying in a dangerous situation. If you are in danger, get to someplace safe.)

These family members generally earn their armor with each blow. Each mean word, each blame, each lie can scar.

The best way to put on your armor? Pray. Pray for help. Pray for the addict in your life that he or she will find their way to truth and health. Pray for your family. Pray for yourself, to be able to withstand the attacks and to be in a safe place. To be able to make the best decisions.

So, take it from me. Learn from my and your experiences. Don't let in the lies about you. Their addiction is not your fault. You are enough. You are worth it. You have infinite worth. You are beautiful, and you are precious.

Precious is not a word reserved for babies and kittens. You. YOU are precious.

Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

When your friend doesn't understand what it's like to deal with your husband's pornography addiction

Last night I had an article come out titled:

When your friend's husband is addicted to pornography


Follow that link to read the article.

But, what if it is you whose husband has the pornography addiction and your friend just doesn't get it? Some friends, even really good friends, can give awful advice. They may feel like they know what you should do, like they have the answers to your predicament.

They don't.

They aren't in your shoes, they don't know all of your situation. Even if you have told them everything, they haven't actually lived it. Even if their husband has also been involved with sexual addictions, they haven't actually lived your life. Every marriage, every situation, every addiction, every piece of pornography and affair and acting out is different. The way it was handled, the emotions felt, the things said, the relationship's background, are all different.

Besides, if I had to guess, you haven't actually told them everything. That thing your husband said, that thing your husband did, that thing your husband told you, that thing he blamed you for. But, even if you have told your friend everything, they still haven't lived it through your shoes. They may have good insight from their shoes, but they don't have all the answers for yours.

Remember:

1. They are not your therapist. Talking to them may be therapeutic, but they are not your therapist and are not trained to help you. (Unless your friend is a trained sexual addiction therapist, in which case lucky you!!!) Still, being your friend might make them biased... Go talk to a therapist that specializes in helping the spouses of sexual addicts.

2. If they haven't had a family member with a sexual addiction, they probably don't understand what all that addiction brings and entails. Don't take their crassness personally. They are probably confused, shocked in their own way, wanting to help you but not knowing how.  Keep your friends close, just remember that their answers won't always match the answers you are expecting. (Plus, some people who have family members with an addiction go into denial. Especially if it is their child. Even if they have experience, they may still not get it).

3.Make your own decisions. Your friend is not you, and you don't want to regret a decision you made just because your friend wanted you to.

4. If they don't ask you how you are doing, don't sweat it. I will post more about this later, but simply put I think that most women don't know how to ask you about this problem. It is a fear all women have, or a situation they are already having a problem with, and they just don't know how to help you. Don't be offended, just know they are probably scared and have no idea how to help or even ask about it. Think about if the shoe was on the other foot.


Also, remember that you are surrounded by people who get what you are going through. People who have had loved ones, spouses, children, parents, friends who have had a pornography/sexual addiction. We are a group of many. You are not alone.

What to know about your spouse's addiction

I almost didn't write this post for two reasons:

1) It makes me want to throw up.

2) This post could be a major trigger for the spouse of an addict. So, if this is you, be very wary of reading this.

I am purposefully going to write vaguely here. There are a lot of things that I am not going to include, lots of details that I am not going to spell out. Because all addicts and addictions are going to be different. Just because one addict is involved in something, doesn't mean that another addict is.

So, why write this post?

Because all spouses of addicts reach a point where they panic and think, "what is my spouse involved in?" "What do I even look for?" "Help!"

So, I am going to go into what I personally think every spouse of an addict needs to ask their spouse about their addiction. Before you follow my thoughts here, ask a therapist what they think about my thoughts and what you should do. I am not so much giving advice as I am sharing what I have seen. Especially the more dangerous and threatening your situation is, these thoughts are not for you. If you are in a dangerous circumstance, go talk to an appropriate person for your case. Maybe that is a women's shelter, the police, a therapist, or a lawyer. Only you know.

1) What is the plan for nipping this addiction in the bud? Are they willing to talk to a therapist? Clergy? Both?

2) Lots of spouses immediately ask how long the addiction has been going on for, where the spouse has been accessing the pornography, etc.  Be careful about how many details you ask for. Before you ask any details, make sure it is for something you really want or need to know. Once you know you can't forget easily.

3) Does your addiction include porn that includes children? This is a major, major red flag that I think scares the crud out of each and every spouse of an addict.  Because addictions having to do with children are different. They are not the same. Once someone crosses that line, they don't just uncross it. Talk to your therapist about this if your spouse is involved with this kind of obscenity.

4) Any one night stands/ affairs/ or the like? Aside from wanting to know if this is involved in your marriage, it might make a difference in whether you need to go and get tested for STDs.

5) Are there any stashes of porn in your home? You don't want there to be ANY chance that your children come across those types of images, videos or texts. Yes, texts. The written word can be used for a lot of crud.


I am sure there are other things you should know, other things you should ask. There is a whole list I could post about the types of things addicts get into, but it would shock people. Most people would be shocked to find out what is available even close to your house.

What I would stress, and I have written posts about this in the past, is that you DO NOT GO LOOKING TO SEE WHAT YOUR SPOUSE LOOKED AT. When I first heard of a spouse doing that, I felt sick for them. I understand that they are in a state of panic and confusion, but you don't want that in your head. Find the phrase "Dead Deer" in my topic cloud to the right and see what I wrote on the subject.  And make sure you THINK REALLY HARD before asking any questions you may regret. Once you know the answer, you can't un-know it.

And, know that everything will be ok. It's hard, but many people come out of this stronger and sometimes even closer to their spouse than they were before. Sometimes it doesn't work out, the circumstances are too dangerous or what not and the marriage ends. Either way, there is hope for happiness.

Again, this is very heavy stuff. Talk to a therapist about it before you just take my observations.                                                                                                                              

You just found out that your spouse is a pornography addict

 For the purpose of this article, we are going to focus on women, though there are plenty men who are the spouse of an addict.



So you just found out that your husband is a pornography addict.

I am so sorry, and I send you a hug!

Lots of things may start to make sense to you. Maybe your husband had become more distant in the past, maybe he'd become more moody. Pornography and sex addiction changes a person. It literally changes their brain and it desensitizes them. Pornography is a crash course in dehumanization and objectification.

2 things to know:

1) Your husband's addiction is NOT YOUR FAULT. It is NOT ABOUT YOU.  Addiction cycles are beasts! Addictions consume you. Nothing about you caused your husband's addiction. Your appearance, your homemaking skills, etc. etc. etc. Nothing you could or could not have done would have caused his addiction. This is a choice he made, and you have nothing to do with it.

2) There is hope. I don't know your personal story, I don't know the situation you are in. But there is hope. If your situation is such that you and your husband are no longer together, then there is hope for you, for happiness, for healing. If you have the chance to work on your marriage, then there is hope for your marriage, for happiness, for healing.


What do do now: (Note: your situation is unique to you. You know what is best, and what you need to do. Some people find themselves in very dangerous situations. If this is the case, call and talk to a women's crisis center or shelter or another person that you know is the place to go. Or a lawyer, I don't know. Call your parents. The point is that my thoughts will not work for every situation. Be aware and act smart.)

1) Go talk to a therapist who specializes in this type of addiction. Hopefully your husband will go with you and the therapist will come up with a therapy plan. No money? Find out if your insurance will help, if the therapists have scholarships or if your church might help you with some of the costs. There are also free or discounted or normal paid church therapy programs. There are also books written by therapists specializing in sexual addiction and codependency.

Lots of spouses of addicts benefit from going to see their own therapist. You are going through your own trauma, and just like other types of trauma, it is good for you to get help with it.

2 ) Go talk to your church clergy. Get the spiritual support and help that you need.

3) Get a support structure. Legitimate support groups, therapy groups, family and friends that are good listeners, etc. No one should have to go through this feeling alone. And, unfortunately, you aren't alone. Lots of people are going through this same thing.

4) Take care of yourself. Keep to your prayers, your spiritual health and study, etc. Keep to church.  Stay groomed, eat well, etc. Do NOT change anything about you to try and fit what your husband might see in porn. It doesn't do any good for anyone, it won't help.

5) Go to my Addiction tab at the top of this page and read my addiction articles. They act as kind of a FAQ for spouses and addicts as I interviewed therapists when writing them.


But first, before you do anything, take a deep breath. I'm sure you feel like you're walking through Hell right now. What you need to realize is that you were already in this situation before, it's just that you are now realizing it. Knowing that you are going through Hell is a heck of a lot better than knowing something is wrong and not having a clue. Knowing that you are in Hell is the first step in being able to get out of it.

Some therapists say to not make any big decisions within the first year of finding out about your spouse's addiction. Sometimes this doesn't work, but you can see where they would suggest this in general. I will post about this more later.

Hugs! It will all be ok!

Again, I don't know your particular situation. I am not a therapist, lawyer, etc. This is just my personal reaction or my personal thoughts.

Also, I go into more detail about the things I talk about here throughout my past blog posts.

Good luck to you! And again, I am so sorry that you are dealing with this!!!!!

What is a WOPA?

It may surprise you to learn that I had never heard the term WOPA until reading some of the WOPA blogs that I follow. It's pretty self explanatory:

WOPA: Wife Of a Porn (and sex) Addict

Though the title brings with it a mixture of emotions, I think there is value in feeling and knowing that you aren't alone. That this is a thing, for good or bad, and that there are other WOPA's out there who share in your type of experience.

It's like a club that no one wants to be in, but those who are in it can take comfort from each other.

Being a WOPA does not define you, though it will try.
It simply describes your situation, your trials, and your marriage.

If you are a WOPA you have already survived a great trial. You obviously have great strength and endurance (even if it doesn't feel like it). Many women, whether married to an addict, divorced from an addict, or having dated an addict, should realize how strong they are from having gone through that struggle.

Just because you can't see your own strength does not mean it isn't there.

Without even having met you, I can tell that you are strong. No one survives being a WOPA without having a massive inner strength. Of course that strength is tested, of course that strength is stretched. But it is there. Whether or not you can see it, it is there.


On a totally different subject, can you find the bee in the flower picture at the beginning (or end) of this post? I promise it is there. Even if you can't see it. :)

Do you want to know the details?

Remember I am not a therapist. These are just my thoughts.

It is so tempting for the spouse of a pornography and sex addict to want to know all of the details of their spouse's addiction. I personally think it's because you want to know what is going on, where exactly your spouse and marriage stands and how deep they are into it. You want to understand, you want to know and figure things out.

But this is very, very dangerous. Because knowing all of the little details can make you feel worse.

I think that the addict should be very forthcoming and honest about his or her addiction, and that they should answer any questions that their spouse has. Completely and honestly. 

I also think that you as the spouse of an addict should really think things through before you ask. Ask yourself if the information you seek is really needed. 

For example, I would definitely want to know about the major details of the addiction. How long they've been into this stuff, what does that stuff include (like, is this all on the internet, phone lines, etc.), how have they been accessing or finding this stuff, how often do they engage in this kind of activity? Does their addiction include anything having to do with children? 

It's not a fun conversation(s).

But then there is the stuff that won't help you and will only make you obsess. Do you really want to know the names of the women whom they've been looking at (if they even know)? Ok, I just made that question up on the spot. But it gives you an idea of somethings you might ask in a moment of pain and hurt that later won't help you at all. 

On the other hand, that question may be very appropriate. If you can't think of a situation where that question would be needed, then good. Be glad that you can't.

Aggh! It's not an exact science by any means, but it is something to think about. 

Consider what information you need and what information will only make you obsess. Though many times these two things coincide. :( 

From "Normal" to "Psycho" in one step?

Warning: This post may contain triggers for the spouse of an addict.

On any given month, week, day, you can find stories on the news about heinous crimes. Sexual assault, rape, violence, murder. It's becoming more and more common. 

And what do we, the general public, say? That the perpetrator is a "creep." A "psycho." We shake our heads in disgust, saying that their actions are evil. 

You can probably think of multiple cases where you yourself felt like this. That what you were hearing about the attacker is gut wrenching and twisted. How could someone get that far? How could someone cross those lines and do that to another human being? 

Pornography, bdsm, and all of their deep, twisted forms are excused away as "normal" until someone acts out on them and hurts someone. Then all of a sudden that person goes from being "normal" to a "creep."

You hear that a man is into a heavy bdsm fetish, or some of pornography's darker sides, and people describe that man as "just being a guy" "doing manly things" "expressing himself" "normal" "every body does it" "Free speech."

And then he acts out on what he's been looking at, he follows through with the things he's been saying, someone gets hurt, and then suddenly everyone says he's a "creep," "perp" "Sicko" "Psycho."

Make up your mind, society. Is it a problem or is it not? When someone goes out, rapes and kills someone it is described as "heinous." And it is, right? But people don't just get to that extreme automatically. There are steps to get there, paths that must be followed for someone to go that deep. We need to label those steps and actions as heinous as well. 

Simply put, you can't say that the first step is just "a man thing" and the next step is "evil."

A small look at how pornography/sex addiction affects the spouse

WARNING: This post is full of potential triggers for the spouse.

Finding out that your spouse is a pornography/sex addict messes with your entire life.

For starters, many feel like they loose the "safe place" that they thought their marriage was. Physical safety is complicated, since your spouse is going outside of your marriage for sexual activity. Yes, that is what viewing pornography is. Many people just don't understand the whole pornography-sexual gratification connection. But, in blunt words, the whole point of pornography viewing is to get your system going and experience a perverted version of the reaction that many feel should be kept within a marriage. This is not simply looking at pictures. If that were the case, we'd have Picasso addicts.

And we haven't even started talking about the side effects of affairs.

How is the wife or husband supposed to react to that? That their spouse, for whatever reason, is going outside of their relationship.

It's hard. Seriously hard.

Mental Safety is out the window. Addiction is greatly made up of lies. Lies that grow as the addiction grows. How do you trust your spouse that has been lying to you for months, years, decades? How do you confide in them when you know that they have a very serious second life? There are addicts that view pornography, go to massage parlors, chat rooms, strippers, hookers, sex phone lines, "work wives," etc. etc. etc. And how do they generally do all of this? Through lies. And it makes their spouse question everything in the past. They question happy memories, family pictures, vacations. Because these things now symbolize mementos from a time when they didn't know they were being lied to. "At the time this picture was taken, he was actually seeing this other woman..." that kind of thing.

And, speaking of mental safety, there is nothing like a porn addiction to make a wife feel like she is inadequate. Intimately, physically, she questions her looks and body figure. Lots of women start thinking "If only I was a better..." Housekeeper, wife, listener, mother, etc. etc. etc. Your self esteem plummets. Strong, strong women get pummeled under the crushing blows of a partner's pornography and sex addiction, and it is all they can do to not grimace at themselves when they walk past a mirror. Sometimes a woman will feel that their reflection symbolizes what their husband rejected, what they feel their husband thought wasn't good enough. Because that is how they feel. Rejected. Not good enough.

And then you get the addicts who outright tell their spouses that the addiction is their fault. That they aren't good enough. That they aren't satisfying. That if they could only give them what they want then there wouldn't be an issue.

Not all addicts are like that. But lots of them are.

They don't get that they could be having intercourse with a different woman every day and they would STILL have the addiction. Because the addiction is NOT about the spouse. It's about the addict being caught up in this never ending, addictive cycle where the addict has to keep climbing the steps and trying to find "the next best thing."

Addictions are a cycle. They go round and round, up and down, up and down. It's tiring. Lies, followed by lies, followed by admission (sometimes), followed by lies. The addict's anger, followed by moodiness, followed by a brief moment of peace, followed by anger, followed by moodiness, followed by a brief moment of peace.

And addiction builds upon itself. Once one kind of pornography doesn't work for an addict anymore, he or she will move on to another, worse type of pornography. Before long, the addict is into some really disturbing, unnerving things to be able to get his or her fix. These kinds of addictions lead to acting out, going deeper into the addiction, etc.

And then, at some point, it may all stop working. These stories of addicts who have to watch porn while they are having intercourse with their spouse to be able to get roused are unfortunately very common. Addicts often lose their sense of empathy. They lose their ability to see humans as humans. People become un-unique, dis-enchanting, things.

Pornography is a crash course in learning how to view people as objects.

And then you get the addicts who want their spouses to reenact what the addict saw in the porn.

The whole 50 shades thing... people have died from those types of addictive relationships.

Pedophelia? From what I have been told, you don't come back from that. It isn't the same type of addiction. There are some lines that, once crossed, cannot be crossed back over.

There are different levels of sex addiction. Pray that no one in your family ever has to experience them. From either the side of the spouse or the side of the addict or the side of the kids.

There was a visitor at my church who once described the addict's admission as throwing up. The addict tells all of these details, things they are into, and then after they throw it all up they feel better. But all of that throw up has to go somewhere, and it ends up all over the wife.

Some addicts are really bad about things. They can be aggressive, abusive, mean. And some addicts seem to hit a point where they turn a new leaf. Not that they can let down their guard. Addicts can relapse after years of sobriety.

There are so many things I can write here. So many things I haven't even touched base on. But lots of people just don't get and understand all of this until they've gone through it or been close enough to watch someone else go through it.

And, I know this was a post of doom and gloom, but there really is hope for many marriages. Lots of marriages come back stronger for working through this. And some REALLY great guys and girls have this awful addiction. The addict is in pain, too. They aren't happy, they aren't fulfilled, they aren't getting anywhere good. I feel for them. Luckily there are places, therapists, church leaders who can help them figure it out.

But don't forget these spouses. One thing I tell any spouse of an addict that I meet is that they are very strong. Even if I don't know them I know that they must be a strong, super-hero type person. Because no one can go through the Hell (literally applied here) of a partner's sex addiction and retain even the smallest ounce of normalcy without them being anything less than a warrior.

Lots of spouses hide their addict spouse's activities. They are embarrassed, afraid of it reflecting on them. But really they need support. Support from people who understand what the spouse goes through.

A while back I wrote an article called,

"Your spouse has a pornography addiction, now what?"

check it out here on KSL.com: http://www.ksl.com/index.php?sid=32810176&nid=1010&title=your-spouse-has-a-pornography-addiction-now-what

It goes into this topic a little bit more.

I also wrote a sister piece for the addict, which you can find here: http://www.ksl.com/?sid=32628307&nid=1010&title=you-have-a-pornography-addiction-now-what&s_cid=queue-1

Lie #5: "No one else understands what you are going through"

This week, because of my lastest article Here: http://www.familyshare.com/addiction/5-lies-about-pornography-addiction, I have been blogging about the lies experienced by couples when one of them has a pornography addiction.

Today is the final instalment in this saga. The lie: "No one else understands what you are going through."

I wish this wasn't a lie. I wish I could tell all of the addicts and spouses that they are singularly the only person going through this. That no one else has experienced this kind of trial.

But that wouldn't be true. EVERYONE has been effected by pornography in one way or another. Whether they realize it or not.

People just don't talk about it.

But they still are going through it.

Lie #3: "Joining in your spouse's addiction will be helpful to your marriage"

This week we are looking at some of the lies told by pornography addiction. Today's Lie is: "Joining in your spouse's addiction will be helpful to your marriage."

Ugh. No, no, no. How many different ways can I say that this is NOT a good idea?

Let's see...

1. This is NOT a good idea.
2. Two wrongs don't make a right.
3. Don't support the thing that is messing with your marriage.
4. Don't support your spouse's pornography addiction.

I could go on and on.

Pornography is completely fake. It doesn't show healthy couples in healthy intimate relationships. It shows the opposite of that. You don't want to have your marital examples coming from exploited, coerced, or even trafficked relationships.

And how do you think you will feel after watching or acting out pornography? Better? Closer to your spouse?

Absolutely not.

The first time I heard about addicts who try to get their spouses to join in I was mortified. Don't go down that road, do not do that to yourself.

The Addict Suffers Too

One thing that has always broken my heart is how much suffering the addict experiences too.

Say What?

No, really. It's sounds crazy because pornography addicts fulfill their addiction in selfish ways. They hurt their spouse, they hurt their family, they can hurt their checkbooks, they can hurt their jobs, etc. etc. etc. They are causing so much pain to others. It's true.

However, when was the last time you saw an addict that was in a good, healthy place?

And, I guess what breaks my heart, they are causing all this pain to others without really getting anything in turn but a momentary high.

It really is sad.

Pornography addiction literally changes the way your brain is wired (another post on this coming soon). It stunts growth in the addict's brain, they experience the addiction cycle, etc. etc. etc.

Realistically, everyone suffers when a pornography and sexual addiction is in the picture.

Note: Saying this does not take away the addict's responsibility to control themselves. How you treat others, acting out, whatever. We have to take responsibility for our own actions.

Ever Feel Like You're the Only One? A letter to Spouses of Addicts

Dear Spouse of an Addict, 

Do you ever feel like you are the only one out there going through this trial? Like no one else would understand what it's like to have a spouse with a pornography and sex addiction, even if you told them?

I think feeling like this is normal. Because, even though we are told this is a widespread problem, everyone keeps it a secret. Both the addicts and the spouses pretend that nothing is wrong. They put on a good face, no matter what is going on at home.

Admit it. You probably do this too. 

And sometimes it is for a very good reason. I get it. There are a ton of reasons (and many of them very valid and good) that you would want to put on a good face and tell the world everything is ok.

But, good reasons or not, it means that no one talks about it. Understandable or not, it means that most spouses feel alone in their trials. Like they are the only one going through this.

Every time you get together with your best friend Sally she talks about how gushingly amazing her husband is, how he always brings her a single rose when he comes home from work, how he makes her breakfast every Saturday morning, how he spends hours every weekend teaching their kids to play basketball.

It's hard to hear. Because Sally tells you about this perfect life with her husband that you feel you can only dream about.

But here is what's hard to tell. Sally may have the perfect relationship. Her husband may bring her roses because he loves her, he may make her breakfast every Saturday morning because he'd like to give her the chance to sleep in, he may be spend hours shooting hoops every weekend because he wants that quality time with his kids. 

Or... is she thinking the same thing you are? Is she looking at you and listening to all the things you DON'T tell her and feeling like she's all alone. Because how could you, her friend, understand what she is going through? You also always portray a great relationship with your husband. So then she does the same thing you do and puts on a mask. She doesn't say that he brings roses home because he feels guilty, she doesn't say that he makes breakfast on Saturday mornings because he likes to tell people that's what he does, and she doesn't say that he shoots hoops with the kids all weekend because things are so tense between them that they need a break.

Some people really do have a great relationship. And some people just put on a brave face. Is that so hard to believe? After all, you do it too.

There are some really great guys out there, and some really great relationships. But don't get down on yourself thinking that yours is the only one with troubles. 

It just isn't true. 

Especially in my position here, I meet people all the time who have gone through or who are going through the trials of having an addict partner. They are everywhere. And most of them are keeping their trials a secret. 

So know that you are not alone. I've talked before about talking to a trusted someone, church leader, or therapist or a therapist-run spouses of addicts group. Do it. Please do it. But even if you don't, just know that you are in no way the only one going through trials like yours.

Please, please don't feel alone.

Your friend,

Jenelle

Red Flags

It's common to hear someone say that after dealing with an ex-spouse's addiction or after seeing someone else deal with their spouse's addiction that they would recognize warning signs and red flags in someone else. 

I think this is possibly a load of crud.

They may be able to recognize warning signs, they may be able to recognize red flags. But then again, red flags aren't always clear.

For instance. Sometimes a warning sign that someone has a sexual addiction is that they isolate themselves. On the other hand, many "sober," clean men are introverts. 

And then you have the addicts that are anything but isolated. They are the life of the party, outgoing. On the other hand, there are lots of non-addicts that are extremely social.

See what I mean? It's not always clear. And addicts can be really good liars, which confuses the situation. 

It's like when you learned in math class:

A=B, but B doesn't always = A. Dogs always have fur, but things with fur aren't always dogs.

Same thing with recognizing signs of addiction. 

Except for the signs of catching them in the act. I'd say that's pretty clear.

So where does that leave us? Can we learn from our situations? Of course. Dealing with someone who has an addiction may not give you magical addiction glasses that allow you to recognize other addicts right off the bat, but it does give you a sense of what to look for in the future. 

You may not be able to be sure, but you can recognize a need to look into those red flags further  before you become even more serious with this person.

I share this because many spouses of addicts say that they feel stupid that they didn't recognize red flags. 

What I say to that is that many red flags are only truly red in hindsight and that judging yourself in hindsight is harsh. And there are other flags that you didn't know were red until you learned more about the addiction.

But, if you do see what you think is a warning sign, please pay attention to it.

It would be nice to compile a list of red flags or warning signs to possibly share in a future post. If anyone reading this has anything they'd like to share or comment on red flags they've experienced, please send me a private message. You can comment if you want to as well.