Two Weeks while my kid is with my ex

I find myself in a very different situation for the next couple of weeks.

My ex has my kid.

So, I am taking this time to work on projects and get things done.  On my list is:

Writing,
Watching the last season of falling skies,
Writing,
Working in the garden,
Writing,
Organizing my closet,
Writing,

And oh yeah: Writing!

Seriously, yesterday I wrote somewhere around 3,000 words in the course of 3 or 4 hours.

And I also worked on an article.

Holy word count, Batman!

I am not searching for things to do, I am going to have a pretty busy two weeks. But I wanted to know:

1) If you are in this same type of position, is there something specific you always plan to do when your kid is with the ex?

and

2) Anyone have a reccomendation for a really good mud mask? I figured this is the perfect time.

Moving along in your healing does not mean that you don't have a heart anymore.

The other day I found myself with a great opportunity to get rid of something.

My old car. 

This car had seen me through some good times. I had this car in college. I had this car when I got married. 

But this car had also seen me through some very, very bad times. I was sitting in this car when I got some of the worst news of my life. I sat in the passenger side seat, horrified at the news I was getting. I felt like my world was falling apart around me.

The car was also not in good shape.

For starters, it was beat up really badly. Let's just say it had gotten into a lot of accidents while someone else was driving it. 

Case in point:

Someday I'll come up with a really redneck caption to put on this photo. If you think of one, let me know.

And then one day the car just stopped working. I did some research and it was barely worth the scrap metal price, so that's what I took for it. In fact, I think in the end I got less than scrap metal price. 

I had a mix of emotions watching that car go. 

I was glad to see it go, glad to see the broken down junker out of my driveway. Glad to see this taped together reminder of a cataclysmic event in my life sent to be used for good. Maybe it will end up being a play ground or bench or something. 

But thinking about the car so much brought back every emotion associated with it, good and bad. 

And so I cried.

I think it was a release of emotion that only getting rid of that car would bring. 

I mourned the good times, I mourned the bad times.

And then I let it go. This car represented a clash of two worlds for me. One good, one bad. And I was ready to move on.

Moving along in your healing does not mean that you don't have a heart anymore. I think this is important to remember.

On a side note, if any car manufacturers want me to drive around their fancy, non-taped up cars so that I can do a review of it on my blog, I guess I'd be willing to help them out. 

No, I am not stranded or anything like that, but you can't blame me for trying. :) 

Because, of course, car manufacturers are my top readers here. ;)

Get Started Now -a quote by Tolkien

It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish. 

- J. R. R. Tolkien 

at BrainyQuote

Apparently the roads are more dangerous than I thought!

So... This bumper sticker opened my eyes to some very distressing problems that I didn't even know existed!

1) What are we going to do about all the wheelchairs on the road? 

2) This really isn't safe. Maybe we should have a "wheelchair lane?"

3) This poor car isn't getting anywhere at this rate! 

4) Do we also need a "walking lane" for all of the parents and their almost grown up children? Because apparently they aren't using the sidewalk. . . 

5) If you are walking with someone else can you use the carpool lane?

6) If so, that's a discriminating title. Maybe we should just call it the pool lane.

7) Speaking of being discriminating, what about all of the deer you see on the road? Where's their picture? And the possums? What about them?

I had no idea!

:)

  

Small miracles for me, my reading, and my popcorn

My small miracle. 

A couple of years ago I found a book that looked awesome! I went to Costco, bought it, and immediately started reading The Selection. I had also bought a bag of Angie's kettle corn while I was there, and found that it was a good, light reading time snack.

Well, the book was really good so I went on to the next in the series, The Elite . . .  and some more Angie's popcorn.

By the time I got to the last in the series, The One, it was obvious that Angie's and The Selection series should go together. Seriously, when I read these books I can taste Angie's Kettle Corn.

Then Tragedy Struck!

Costco stopped carrying Angie's popcorn. 

What the crud?! That happens, though. Nothing stays on Costco's shelves for long.

I consoled myself with the thought that, "At least the book series is finished, so I won't have to worry about that."

Fast forward a year or so, and an amazing thing happened! Angie's was back at Costco! New look, but hopefully the same old taste!

Woohoo! I love this popcorn. It is sweet without being too sweet, it is salty without being too salty, it is light and not too heavy for a snack. It's perfect! 

I wondered if maybe I'd just have to re-read The Selection books for old times sake. BUT NO! AWESOMENESS STRIKES AGAIN!

A fourth book in the Selection series! WHAT?!  And released at the same time that Costco starts to carry Angie's again!

It's like it was "Meant to Be."

You've got to pay attention to the little miracles!

Haha, what a crazy post this is.

On a side note, I am saving The Heir and my Angie's popcorn until I am done with the book I am currently reading. And if I finish the whole series I am in then it will take forever. Seriously, there are something like 16 books in this other series. Holy crow, right? And I tend to take my time while reading. So if you read the Heir before I do, don't talk to me about it. No spoilers! 

Is it weird to not be flying?

"I wonder if it's weird for the eagles to not be able to fly." says my friend to me, standing in front of the eagle cage at the zoo. "They are used to flying, and then one day they just can't." (or something like that. I should have written down her exact words.)

You can see in the picture that the top eagle's wing is cut short.

Her words struck me funny. I normally write for the spouses of addicts, so my brain went straight to that subject.

The eagles at this zoo were hurt in the wild, and then they each had to have a wing amputated. Their cage doesn't have a ceiling, just walls. Because they'd never be able to escape through the top.

Some spouses of addicts feel like this. Like suddenly they've had their wing cut off and now they're grounded. Where before they felt like they were flying, now they can only look up at the sky and dream.

Boy does that sound cheesy. But it's true. Lucky for spouses, they are unlike the eagle in that they haven't actually had a wing cut off. Their ability to heal and get back to a life of metaphorically flying is still very realistic. Of course it depends on a lot of things, and healing is not easy. And obviously different hurts and different wounds can or can't heal differently.

But, thankfully, you haven't lost your wings. They are still very much there.

I may not be able to control if others ground themselves. And it is easier said than done, but I for one will not be kept like an eagle at the zoo.

The Dreaded Question: How are you?

Ok, this is a strange thing here. I may or may not have already posted this. I didn't think I had posted it, it was marked as "Draft," but then when I went to post it it acted like it had been posted as of the day I originally created it. I made sure that it wasn't posted anywhere and now I am officially posting it. If you haven't read this yet, then huzzah! If you have, then I am sorry. Oops.



I think there comes a point in everyone's life where you hate the question:

"How Are You?"

A loved one dies, your marriage is suffering, you're having infertility problems, your children are making choices that give you tons of grief. Whatever the issue,

And then comes the follow up lie:

"We're good."

or

"We're fine."

Ok, maybe "lie" is too strong of a description. Because the goal is to go through these things in life and still find happiness. But you know what I mean. Those times when your real answer would sound something more like:

"I'm not good, actually. I feel used, betrayed, ugly. I've never cried so much in my life and my husband's therapy bills, while totally worth it, are going to send us to the poor house. But, yeah, other than that I'm good!"

or

"I'm good except for every time I meet with my friends, log onto facebook or go to work. Everywhere I go people are announcing pregnancies. If one more person asks me when we are going to have kids, I think I'll scream."

or

"Someone I loved very much just passed away. Please don't ask me how I am doing."

We all do it. We all keep those thoughts to ourselfs and answer: "Fine." But, in all reality, it's a burden to answer with fine. Especially if your trials are being kept a secret. It makes you feel like you can't answer correctly, which means you may not be getting needed support.

There have been times in the past when I was going through something and I had family members ask me how I was doing. I answered with the lame old: Fine. But really I was wishing I could talk to them and get their support.

Make sure that you have someone to talk to, someone that you trust. I've blogged about this before, but I'll say it again. Don't keep this all inside. Therapist, clergy, ligitamite support group, trusted family member or friend. Or better yet, all of the above.

Find someone that you can answer truthfully to. No "Fine" or "Good."

This is important!

Don't go looking at dead deers or pornography!

Explanation of picture is at the end.

Ever heard someone say that they just had to know what their pornography addict spouse was looking at so they went and looked themselves?

I have heard this. A couple of times. 

And each time I thought, "No, no, no." That is not good!

Or, like I've talked about before, there are those addicts who try and get their spouses to participate with them. Which is not good either. 

You don't want those pictures in your head any more than you want them in your spouses head.

It's like the picture at the top of this post. You can know that there is a box. You can know that there is a deer in the box (see feet sticking out on both ends). You can even know details like that the box is a lawn mower box and that the deer is (obviously) dead.

You might even wonder about what happened.

But don't go looking in the box! That isn't something that you need to see. And will it help you to look at the stiff, stinky, deer? You already know it's a dead deer. Do you really need to see all of the details or smell the stink? Will that help you?

No. No it won't. If anything it might scar you. 

So, please heed my words. Don't go looking at dead deers or pornography. Yuck!

By the way, I saw this box on the side of a road with the feet sticking out. What the crud?  But I DID NOT go look. I took this picture from a safe distance, which is why it is so fuzzy!

Keep Grandma and Grandpa's computer safe!

Yesterday I  had an article run on FamilyShare about kids that go to Grandma and Grandpa's house to search for porn because their computer doesn't have a filter.

Find the article here:

http://familyshare.com/addiction/the-porn-dealer-lives-at-grandmas-house

Here are some more tips for Parents and Grandma and Grandpa to help keep their grandkids internet safe. 

1. Supervision. Nothing beats good old supervision. Check in on your grandkids, ask them about what they are working on, be interested. Remember: this is your computer. 
2. Ask yourself, "Do they really need to be on the computer?" If the answer is no, then maybe take them outside, go to a play or bowling or something. Do an activity.
3. Some parents have the password to their children's social media and email accounts. Others don't. That is up to you.
4. Some parents and grandparents have signed up for their own social media accounts and then friended or followed or whatever their kids. 
5. Know what is going on. Are your kids on Twitter? Facebook? Instagram? Pinterest? Google +? SnapChat? Check out a list here: http://www.ebizmba.com/articles/social-networking-websites and here: https://www.commonsensemedia.org/blog/15-apps-and-websites-kids-are-heading-to-after-facebook Know what each site does and what the pros and cons are.
6. Know how your kids access these sites and the internet in general. Phone? Computer? Tablet?
7. Have a good, healthy communication with your kids so that they know they can come to you with issues and the need to talk.
8. Call pornography what it is. Don't dance around the issue, let your kids know about the dangers and consequences of pornography. 

Who's truth do you see in the mirror?

I'm going to get very personal here, more so than I usually do. Bear with me.

While I thoroughly believe that we all have infinite worth, remembering it is not always so easy.

A couple of years ago there came a point with the things I was dealing with in life where I had a hard time looking in the mirror. Because of what I felt my reflection symbolized. I didn't see me, I saw what I felt someone else I loved must see. It was... grotesque.

I saw the image of a girl that was disappointing and unsatisfying.

And, well, that's the truth about how I felt. Deep down I knew that I wasn't really gross, that I wasn't really ugly. But knowing that and practicing that are two different things.

And it made me sad. Sad because I hated that my self esteem had been hit so hard by someone else. Sad because I found I wasn't as strong as I thought I was. Why couldn't I have just let it roll off my shoulders? Why couldn't I have let the comments and actions  from that person go?

With time I have grown stronger. I now have a much thicker skin. But that thick skin was not an immediate thing. The more someone emotionally and mentally beats you down, you have a choice to make. Either you can fall under the blows or you can be realistic and see what they are doing for what it really is: bullying and lies.

Because seriously, that's all it is. Bullying and lies.

Do not go to anyone - I repeat ANYONE- else to discover your worth or beauty. It's great for your friends, your spouse, your parents to recognize your worth or to tell you that you look nice. But it isn't what's important. And frankly, don't go to yourself either. Sometimes we can be our own worst enemies.

Whether you believe in God's creation or not, it's pretty obvious that we are miraculous. And NOTHING can change that.

You are not alone in "Here" and "There"

I've had a pretty good response to my last post where I talk about "Here" and "There." I think it's because so many of us are either "Here" or "There," only we don't talk about it. So many suffer silently, not getting the support or the help they need.

It's important to know that you are not alone, and that others are having to deal with the crud as well. It's like this club we are all a part of, only you don't know the half of who is also a member. It's a stinky club, though. That's for sure.

A bit about me and how I got to Here.

Today I'm going to tell you a bit about me and where I am coming from.

I want to start out by saying, if you didn't know already, that I am divorced.

Gasp! Shock! "But you are so pro-marriage and working through the issues!" You say.

Which is true. If a marriage can be salvaged I think it should. Marriage is sacred to me. And I've been there. "There" as in the place where you throw all of your money, time and energy into trying to save your marriage.

"There" as in the place where just little glimmers of hope in your marriage bring you a ton of joy. You stress, you worry, you pray that everything will work out because you love this person. You hold tight to your love and hope and just keep praying. Praying that somehow your marriage will become stronger through all of it.

"There" as in the place where you'd give anything just to heal your marriage.

Yep, I've been there.

But I've also been here.

"Here" as in the place where you find out about what you didn't know before and suddenly everything changes.

"Here" as in the place where there really is no choice. "Here" is a place where a marriage has to end.

You don't easily get "Here." "There" might be a bad place for sure, no doubt about that. But I felt like "Here" was much much worse.

To get to "Here" a line has to be crossed, one that can't be crossed back over. There is no getting back to "There."

So where does that leave me? I will do anything to support those of you who are having a hard time while working through trials in your marriages. I also understand and want to support those of you who have had to deal with your marriage ending.

I think one of the biggest points here too is that one's healing from any kind of trauma does not end at the signing of divorce papers. I am still working through the things I experienced.

Whether you are married and going through ugly times or whether you are divorced after going through ugly times, we are all still having to work through the trauma. To work through the experiences.

It's all the same. We all have to give healing our due dillegence.

So, that is where I am comming from. I've been "There" and I've been "Here." I've had experience in both worlds. And I have many many friends in one world or another.

We are all dealing with the crud, and we all need to heal.