I wish I had stood up for the importance of friendship

When I found out about my loved one's addiction I didn't know how to hang out with or even just message friends anymore. I didn't feel like I could talk about the things going on in my life. I didn't want to tell them about that loved one moving out of the house. I didn't want to tell them about the situation that was taking up all of my family's time, money, and energy. I was tired, and I didn't want to talk about the thing that was consuming all of our lives.

And even before I found out about the addiction, my loved one had told me that we didn't need friends. And lets just say that hanging out with friends was not smiled upon.

It is called isolation. And there are reasons that people, many times addicts, would want you to feel isolated.

But, looking back now, I wish that I had stood up for the importance of friendship.

Because friendship is important, too.

Even if you aren't able to hang out with friends as often as you'd like (because, lets face it, life is crazy and busy), it might be helpful to drop them a small "How's it going?" message once in a while. You don't have to spend a ton of time together to keep up a friendship.

At one point, while talking to one of my friends about some of what I was going through, she got this look on her face and then divulged that she was going through a similar thing.

Oh how sad that we could have both pulled from that friendship, yet there we were, both holding in our trials and keeping it to ourselves.

Keep your friends close.                      

(Note: I am really bad at suddenly realizing that it has been years since I have talked to a friend. Years pass quickly, and that's life. So, if you are a friend of mine, maybe take the initiative and send me a letter. :) )

My Armor

Ever heard the phrase, "Take it with a grain of salt?"

That's pretty much the rule of thumb when talking with a sex addict. At least in my life. I get called all sorts of names and things, I get blamed for everything under the sun.

I take it all with a grain of salt. I'm used to it. Which is bitter sweet. At one point, no one should be used to that kind of treatment. On the other hand, it doesn't reach me any more. Say what he will, I know it isn't true.

My skin is a lot thicker now than it was right after I found out about the addiction. I have an armor on that I hadn't even know I needed before. So, how do you get that armor? How do you get thicker skin?

Don't give in to the lies.

Someone says you aren't worth anything? Don't feel bad for yourself, feel bad for them. What you are seeing is their own insecurities.

All addicts are human, they are not all knowing beings who can evaluate your worth.

NONE OF US ARE QUALIFIED TO EVALUATE ANYONE'S WORTH. Not even our own. Worth is something so great, so far beyond our human comprehension.

In the movies, the soldiers often put on their armor before they get attacked. They prepare. They can see the attack coming and they gear up. They put on their armor, they say their prayers, and they get their family to a safe place.

Unfortunately, I think too many family members of addicts earn their armor after the attack has started. It's disorienting to suddenly find yourself in a war zone, to suddenly realize that you need emotional (and sometimes physical) protection. (Note: I don't ever condone someone staying in a dangerous situation. If you are in danger, get to someplace safe.)

These family members generally earn their armor with each blow. Each mean word, each blame, each lie can scar.

The best way to put on your armor? Pray. Pray for help. Pray for the addict in your life that he or she will find their way to truth and health. Pray for your family. Pray for yourself, to be able to withstand the attacks and to be in a safe place. To be able to make the best decisions.

So, take it from me. Learn from my and your experiences. Don't let in the lies about you. Their addiction is not your fault. You are enough. You are worth it. You have infinite worth. You are beautiful, and you are precious.

Precious is not a word reserved for babies and kittens. You. YOU are precious.

Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

When your friend doesn't understand what it's like to deal with your husband's pornography addiction

Last night I had an article come out titled:

When your friend's husband is addicted to pornography


Follow that link to read the article.

But, what if it is you whose husband has the pornography addiction and your friend just doesn't get it? Some friends, even really good friends, can give awful advice. They may feel like they know what you should do, like they have the answers to your predicament.

They don't.

They aren't in your shoes, they don't know all of your situation. Even if you have told them everything, they haven't actually lived it. Even if their husband has also been involved with sexual addictions, they haven't actually lived your life. Every marriage, every situation, every addiction, every piece of pornography and affair and acting out is different. The way it was handled, the emotions felt, the things said, the relationship's background, are all different.

Besides, if I had to guess, you haven't actually told them everything. That thing your husband said, that thing your husband did, that thing your husband told you, that thing he blamed you for. But, even if you have told your friend everything, they still haven't lived it through your shoes. They may have good insight from their shoes, but they don't have all the answers for yours.

Remember:

1. They are not your therapist. Talking to them may be therapeutic, but they are not your therapist and are not trained to help you. (Unless your friend is a trained sexual addiction therapist, in which case lucky you!!!) Still, being your friend might make them biased... Go talk to a therapist that specializes in helping the spouses of sexual addicts.

2. If they haven't had a family member with a sexual addiction, they probably don't understand what all that addiction brings and entails. Don't take their crassness personally. They are probably confused, shocked in their own way, wanting to help you but not knowing how.  Keep your friends close, just remember that their answers won't always match the answers you are expecting. (Plus, some people who have family members with an addiction go into denial. Especially if it is their child. Even if they have experience, they may still not get it).

3.Make your own decisions. Your friend is not you, and you don't want to regret a decision you made just because your friend wanted you to.

4. If they don't ask you how you are doing, don't sweat it. I will post more about this later, but simply put I think that most women don't know how to ask you about this problem. It is a fear all women have, or a situation they are already having a problem with, and they just don't know how to help you. Don't be offended, just know they are probably scared and have no idea how to help or even ask about it. Think about if the shoe was on the other foot.


Also, remember that you are surrounded by people who get what you are going through. People who have had loved ones, spouses, children, parents, friends who have had a pornography/sexual addiction. We are a group of many. You are not alone.

What gifts really matter to you?

A few days ago I had an article publish on familyshare.com titled:

"8 gifts that your husband wants but would never say out loud"

Follow the link to find the article.

Actually, you might be surprised to find what gifts made the list. Jewelry? A new bed set? Toiletries? What?!!!!! Jenelle, have you gone crazy? 

No. 

Read the article, you'll see what I mean. But what it all comes down to is that everyone likes to feel that their wishes and likes, and the things that they need to live are being respected if at all possible. People need to know that they are cared about. 

Some of my favorite gifts have been the small things that I needed anyway. Elaborate gifts can be amazing, of course, but those won't mean much in the end if you feel like you aren't cared about on a basic level.

I know that not all women are like that, but I am. If there was only enough money to get me one gift, I would rather that gift be something I need than something I don't need, no matter how nice it is.

Like... I would choose a new set of kitchen pans over jewelry.

But keeping someone's interests and the things they actually need in mind is a great way to start looking for gifts. Don't be one of these people that buys something for a gift just because. Make it count!!!!! Put some thought into it!!!!!!

Are you like me or do you disagree? How do you feel about gifts you need versus gifts that you may want but don't need?

If you needed pans, would you choose the jewelry anyway?



Also...... I am so excited for this Friday! Come join me here at Get 2 the Gist for a chance to win an ebook written by L.G. Rollins, "Shadows of Angels." She will also join us for a guest blog post titled, "Desperate Love: True Love's Counterfeit." You won't want to miss this!

The Dreaded Question: How are you?

Ok, this is a strange thing here. I may or may not have already posted this. I didn't think I had posted it, it was marked as "Draft," but then when I went to post it it acted like it had been posted as of the day I originally created it. I made sure that it wasn't posted anywhere and now I am officially posting it. If you haven't read this yet, then huzzah! If you have, then I am sorry. Oops.



I think there comes a point in everyone's life where you hate the question:

"How Are You?"

A loved one dies, your marriage is suffering, you're having infertility problems, your children are making choices that give you tons of grief. Whatever the issue,

And then comes the follow up lie:

"We're good."

or

"We're fine."

Ok, maybe "lie" is too strong of a description. Because the goal is to go through these things in life and still find happiness. But you know what I mean. Those times when your real answer would sound something more like:

"I'm not good, actually. I feel used, betrayed, ugly. I've never cried so much in my life and my husband's therapy bills, while totally worth it, are going to send us to the poor house. But, yeah, other than that I'm good!"

or

"I'm good except for every time I meet with my friends, log onto facebook or go to work. Everywhere I go people are announcing pregnancies. If one more person asks me when we are going to have kids, I think I'll scream."

or

"Someone I loved very much just passed away. Please don't ask me how I am doing."

We all do it. We all keep those thoughts to ourselfs and answer: "Fine." But, in all reality, it's a burden to answer with fine. Especially if your trials are being kept a secret. It makes you feel like you can't answer correctly, which means you may not be getting needed support.

There have been times in the past when I was going through something and I had family members ask me how I was doing. I answered with the lame old: Fine. But really I was wishing I could talk to them and get their support.

Make sure that you have someone to talk to, someone that you trust. I've blogged about this before, but I'll say it again. Don't keep this all inside. Therapist, clergy, ligitamite support group, trusted family member or friend. Or better yet, all of the above.

Find someone that you can answer truthfully to. No "Fine" or "Good."

This is important!

Don't Forget who YOU are! How an addiction affects the family.

Have you ever heard someone in a relationship with an addict say that they feel like they've changed? In someways I think people who have survived a relationship with an addict feel stronger. And in other ways I think they feel weaker.

I've noticed that being in any kind of relationship with an addict tends to TRY and wear you down and strip away your sense of self. Whether it's a sibling, a parent, a spouse, a child. Sometimes they feel like they are different from who they used to be. And not necessarily in a good way. Like they've lost their confidence in themselves. Is that because sometimes family members and spouse's of addicts just try and keep the peace? They keep trying to get their relationship back to a point of at least neutrality? All of your energy is going into just surviving in your marriage instead of thriving in it? I don't know.

And sometimes addicts do that to their spouses and family on purpose. Find the Power and Abuse wheel from one of my posts in February and you'll see what I mean. Sometimes addicts try and isolate their spouse, they try to limit their options, they say things that they shouldn't, they do things they shouldn't. And, lets face it, the basic actions of an addict make their spouses feel like they themselves are not enough. Which, though completely untrue, is what the spouses of addicts feel all the time.

I wonder if all of that numbs you.

It's a mess.

No wonder so many spouses feel like they've lost a part of themselves along the way.

Have you let go of parts of yourself? Are you not doing the things you enjoy? Have you forgotten who YOU are?

Watch the clip.




Every situation is different and I am not suggesting that you "confront the problem" necessarily. Don't take Edna Mode's advice on that one, maybe take your therapists advice on what to do. Every situation is different and "confront the problem" could put some women out there in a lot of danger. (I'm reminded of my anti-50 Shades week last month. There are women who end up in shelters or dead from abusive relationships.)

But what I do suggest you take from Edna Mode, is that you are Elasti-Girl! (Or, you know, whatever your name is) Pull yourself together and remember who you are! Not for "him," but for you. Don't drop the things that you enjoy and lose yourself amid the chaos.

Remember your super-self!

And the truth is, people change, grow, mature, gain new interests and responsibilities and that's ok. But forgetting yourself completely is not a good idea. Having peace in a relationship is important, but surrendering your interests, feelings and steadfastness is a dangerous thing to do.

Make sure you take care of yourself and do things you enjoy.

"You are Elasti-Girl! Pull yourself together!"

Day 4: There must be action behind the words: "I Love You"

Today I am sharing what another one of my cousins has to say about showing someone that you love them. I think this is such a great answer! Jared says:

“I see my wife's sacrifices for me, which I appreciate. But my son shows me a new kind of love. He has little to sacrifice for me, but when says, "Daddy, sit next to me," or "Daddy, play with me," I know that he loves me. I become important to them. I become a priority to them. I feel their love in those ways not because it is validating in some way, but because I know that of all the things my wife could be doing or of all the toys my son could play with, they chose me over all of it. It's humbling, because it's a constant reminder that though I don't deserve it, I need to be worthy of it.”

“It's hard to give a definitive answer to the "best" way to show love. But I think that it becomes love when another person is constantly at the top of your priorities—especially ahead of your own needs or wants. I can't always be with my family, but they are my priority and it is for them that I go to work for most of the day. It's not rare for me to say, "I love you," but there must be action behind the words so that the sentence becomes more of an explanation for everything I have done for them rather than an apology for what I have done for myself.”

I love the last words about there needing to be action behind saying “I love you.” It isn’t an explanation about why things aren’t a certain way, or as Jared says an “apology.” The words “I Love You” should just re-affirm what you have already showed them.

Speaking of Jared Heath, I want to give a shout out to him and his book. He’s the author of “The Sound in the Silence” and an awesome cousin!