If you came to my blog looking for a specific topic or area of my work, you may want to start by checking the page links above or by checking my topic list below and to the right.

Thursday, November 26, 2015

Happy least popular day of the year for viewing porn!

Happy least popular day of the year for viewing porn! Warm wishes to you and your family!

Oh yeah, and Happy Thanksgiving!

I shared this link last year, and I'm going to share it again. It's a link to a infographic of obscenity stats. And on it it says that Thanksgiving is the least popular day of the year to view porn. Which is a great thing to be thankful for!


Monday, November 23, 2015

This is what we call "misrepresentation"

As I was walking down the side walk one day, I saw this:

I'm not really sure what this is. Maybe it is some kind of an electrical unit, or access for the train. Maybe there is some danger involved in opening this. Like a possible electric shock, an alarm going off, or neglected spider web and massive spider waiting to bite you. 

However, I am pretty sure that the sticker on the front is not correct:

Unless there is someone hunched inside, waiting to tickle the next unsuspecting person to open up that door, this is what we call MISREPRESENTATION. 

Other examples of misrepresentation:

When people call black licorice "yummy."
When people call Shrek "funny."
When people call porn "normal."
When people call the man bun a "good fashion choice."

Don't fall for misrepresentation.

If in doubt, don't eat black licorice, don't watch Shrek, don't look at porn, and don't wear a man bun. Follow this advice and already you're ahead in life.

Monday, November 16, 2015

Introducing: Instructions for Life

Is this really what this world has come to? 

Once upon a time, people had common sense. They knew that stoves get hot. They knew not to shake their sodas. And they knew how to cross the street. 

Aha moment! I've figured out why the world has so many problems! If people need instructions to cross the street, maybe they need instructions for other things too...

Problem solved. 

Friday, November 13, 2015

The whole world is living 1 day at a time

I am working on an article right now that required I interview the parents of child cancer survivors. When I asked one of them how they got through such an ordeal, her answer was one day at a time.

One day at a time.

When I talk to the spouses of addicts, what is the common phrase I hear?

I take it "one day at a time."

When you watch the news and see an interview or press conference with a city in turmoil, rescue operation or natural disaster, what do they always say?

We're taking it "One day at a time."

We hear this all the time at funerals as well.

The whole world is taking it "one day at a time" with something or other. Everyone is dealing with multiple things. Like, when will my husband find a job? When will my marriage heal? When will I get my big break? When will I meet the one for me? Why do I not look the way I want to? When will things at school be better? Why did my loved one have to die? How do I deal with this disability?

No one is suffering alone. And no one is healing alone. We might be healing from different things, we might be figuring out different situations. But it is something we all have to deal with.

One day at a time.

Which is ok. It is just fine to take it one day at a time. Focus on what is important, take the time to do things right. Sometimes taking it one day at a time now means you have a better future later.

The world needs to take a deep breath, stretch, and charge the next day.

Monday, November 9, 2015

What to know about your spouse's addiction

I almost didn't write this post for two reasons:

1) It makes me want to throw up.

2) This post could be a major trigger for the spouse of an addict. So, if this is you, be very wary of reading this.

I am purposefully going to write vaguely here. There are a lot of things that I am not going to include, lots of details that I am not going to spell out. Because all addicts and addictions are going to be different. Just because one addict is involved in something, doesn't mean that another addict is.

So, why write this post?

Because all spouses of addicts reach a point where they panic and think, "what is my spouse involved in?" "What do I even look for?" "Help!"

So, I am going to go into what I personally think every spouse of an addict needs to ask their spouse about their addiction. Before you follow my thoughts here, ask a therapist what they think about my thoughts and what you should do. I am not so much giving advice as I am sharing what I have seen. Especially the more dangerous and threatening your situation is, these thoughts are not for you. If you are in a dangerous circumstance, go talk to an appropriate person for your case. Maybe that is a women's shelter, the police, a therapist, or a lawyer. Only you know.

1) What is the plan for nipping this addiction in the bud? Are they willing to talk to a therapist? Clergy? Both?

2) Lots of spouses immediately ask how long the addiction has been going on for, where the spouse has been accessing the pornography, etc.  Be careful about how many details you ask for. Before you ask any details, make sure it is for something you really want or need to know. Once you know you can't forget easily.

3) Does your addiction include porn that includes children? This is a major, major red flag that I think scares the crud out of each and every spouse of an addict.  Because addictions having to do with children are different. They are not the same. Once someone crosses that line, they don't just uncross it. Talk to your therapist about this if your spouse is involved with this kind of obscenity.

4) Any one night stands/ affairs/ or the like? Aside from wanting to know if this is involved in your marriage, it might make a difference in whether you need to go and get tested for STDs.

5) Are there any stashes of porn in your home? You don't want there to be ANY chance that your children come across those types of images, videos or texts. Yes, texts. The written word can be used for a lot of crud.

I am sure there are other things you should know, other things you should ask. There is a whole list I could post about the types of things addicts get into, but it would shock people. Most people would be shocked to find out what is available even close to your house.

What I would stress, and I have written posts about this in the past, is that you DO NOT GO LOOKING TO SEE WHAT YOUR SPOUSE LOOKED AT. When I first heard of a spouse doing that, I felt sick for them. I understand that they are in a state of panic and confusion, but you don't want that in your head. Find the phrase "Dead Deer" in my topic cloud to the right and see what I wrote on the subject.  And make sure you THINK REALLY HARD before asking any questions you may regret. Once you know the answer, you can't un-know it.

And, know that everything will be ok. It's hard, but many people come out of this stronger and sometimes even closer to their spouse than they were before. Sometimes it doesn't work out, the circumstances are too dangerous or what not and the marriage ends. Either way, there is hope for happiness.

Again, this is very heavy stuff. Talk to a therapist about it before you just take my observations.                                                                                                                              

Friday, November 6, 2015

Do you have a crappy foundation? Literally?

Have you ever realized that you're standing on a foundation made of poop? Well, then you might be a pigeon. Or human, really. This happens all the time. Figuratively, of course.

Like the recent story of the boy who had been missing for 13 years! Fox News 
How horrifying to realize that your whole life was something different than you thought it was. 

Honestly, though, to some extent we all deal with crappy foundations. Co-workers, family members, friends, spouses. You will always run into people who are not truthful or whose feelings are only skin deep.

I have a situation I am in that is extremely frustrating. A foundation made of poop, to be sure. I am in the unfortunate position to witness the brunt of this person's lies, actions, and misleadings, I know their history, and this person attacks me constantly with put-downs, swearing, and all sorts of other things. Then they turn around and ask me to trust them.

And there I am, standing on the metaphorical packed down poop.

But, look at that picture above! That nest isn't just magically going anywhere. It needs to be scraped down, sanitized, probably repainted and then guarded to keep the pigeons that will keep coming back away. 

This ledge can become clean. It can be completely transformed. But it has a history with pigeons that, if the bird watching website I read can be trusted, will continue to come back to the place they were born to nest. The ledge can become clean, but it will always need to be guarded. 

People are the same way. Habits, especially addictions, have to be guarded against always. It is a full time job for the rest of that persons life. 

I pray all the time that (not in these words) the person I know will try to scrape the crap away and do their best to not let the birds take nest.

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

What you learn at Cafe Rio : The Real Deal

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM! I have a confession to make: I love Cafe Rio! If I had to choose a last meal, it would be Cafe Rio. And I am pretty sure that Heaven will have a Cafe Rio on every corner. Because that would just make sense. 

It's that good.

On a side note, I'd like to put my availability out there if Cafe Rio needs a quality control/ taste testing person. Just saying. 

But, back to the point of the post, what can you learn from Cafe Rio? Other than that their green dressing tastes good on everything?

Soap Box: Now, I am always on the search for "The Real Deal" Check out my other real deal posts by visiting my topic cloud to the right and clicking on "Real Deal." 

The Real Deal: Honest, legitimate, worthy, true.

Unlike this:

Oh Cafe Rio, my love, this is a fail. The sign reads "Yep...These limes and tomatoes are real." And those are flour bags. 

Have you ever met someone like this? Or been in a situation where you realized that your limes and tomatoes were flour bags? What a rude awakening. 

This on the other hand is amazing:

What the lemons?! This is called going the extra mile. Yep...these limes and tomatoes are real... and so are these lemons. 

This is the real deal! 

So how do you go from this?

To This?

Luckily those flour bags can, with work, be turned into scrumdidiliumtious tortillas. A building block for a good burrito or salad.

Poof! Problem solved and you are half way to making my meal.

Aren't we lucky that we can learn from our trials and go forward to build something great!

Cheesy Moral of the Story:

Don't trade in your limes and tomatoes for a bag of flour. But, if you do, make a tortilla and start over.

Monday, November 2, 2015

You just found out that your spouse is a pornography addict

 For the purpose of this article, we are going to focus on women, though there are plenty men who are the spouse of an addict.

So you just found out that your husband is a pornography addict.

I am so sorry, and I send you a hug!

Lots of things may start to make sense to you. Maybe your husband had become more distant in the past, maybe he'd become more moody. Pornography and sex addiction changes a person. It literally changes their brain and it desensitizes them. Pornography is a crash course in dehumanization and objectification.

2 things to know:

1) Your husband's addiction is NOT YOUR FAULT. It is NOT ABOUT YOU.  Addiction cycles are beasts! Addictions consume you. Nothing about you caused your husband's addiction. Your appearance, your homemaking skills, etc. etc. etc. Nothing you could or could not have done would have caused his addiction. This is a choice he made, and you have nothing to do with it.

2) There is hope. I don't know your personal story, I don't know the situation you are in. But there is hope. If your situation is such that you and your husband are no longer together, then there is hope for you, for happiness, for healing. If you have the chance to work on your marriage, then there is hope for your marriage, for happiness, for healing.

What do do now: (Note: your situation is unique to you. You know what is best, and what you need to do. Some people find themselves in very dangerous situations. If this is the case, call and talk to a women's crisis center or shelter or another person that you know is the place to go. Or a lawyer, I don't know. Call your parents. The point is that my thoughts will not work for every situation. Be aware and act smart.)

1) Go talk to a therapist who specializes in this type of addiction. Hopefully your husband will go with you and the therapist will come up with a therapy plan. No money? Find out if your insurance will help, if the therapists have scholarships or if your church might help you with some of the costs. There are also free or discounted or normal paid church therapy programs. There are also books written by therapists specializing in sexual addiction and codependency.

Lots of spouses of addicts benefit from going to see their own therapist. You are going through your own trauma, and just like other types of trauma, it is good for you to get help with it.

2 ) Go talk to your church clergy. Get the spiritual support and help that you need.

3) Get a support structure. Legitimate support groups, therapy groups, family and friends that are good listeners, etc. No one should have to go through this feeling alone. And, unfortunately, you aren't alone. Lots of people are going through this same thing.

4) Take care of yourself. Keep to your prayers, your spiritual health and study, etc. Keep to church.  Stay groomed, eat well, etc. Do NOT change anything about you to try and fit what your husband might see in porn. It doesn't do any good for anyone, it won't help.

5) Go to my Addiction tab at the top of this page and read my addiction articles. They act as kind of a FAQ for spouses and addicts as I interviewed therapists when writing them.

But first, before you do anything, take a deep breath. I'm sure you feel like you're walking through Hell right now. What you need to realize is that you were already in this situation before, it's just that you are now realizing it. Knowing that you are going through Hell is a heck of a lot better than knowing something is wrong and not having a clue. Knowing that you are in Hell is the first step in being able to get out of it.

Some therapists say to not make any big decisions within the first year of finding out about your spouse's addiction. Sometimes this doesn't work, but you can see where they would suggest this in general. I will post about this more later.

Hugs! It will all be ok!

Again, I don't know your particular situation. I am not a therapist, lawyer, etc. This is just my personal reaction or my personal thoughts.

Also, I go into more detail about the things I talk about here throughout my past blog posts.

Good luck to you! And again, I am so sorry that you are dealing with this!!!!!