Was I Stupid?

It's like fingernails on a chalkboard when the spouse of an addict says:

"How could I have been so stupid?"

Or just,

"I was so stupid."

I'll admit to saying this. And frequently. And even when I hear it come out of my own mouth I know how wrong it is, and the nails on the chalkboard sound in my ears.

Why do we say this? Sometimes because we feel like we should have known about our partner's addiction. I think sometimes we feel like we're stupid because the relationship changed us or because we don't know what to do about any of it. Sometimes I think spouses feel like they were stupid for having put their trust in someone that turned out to be an addict.

And even when you have the knowledge that it's not your fault and that your partner's addiction has nothing to do with you, it's hard to convince yourself.

Someone once pointed out to me that good marriages have partners who trust each other, who put their whole hearts on the line. This is what you are supposed to do. Otherwise you aren't trying very hard. You are supposed to hope for the best and trust your partner.

They said that just because you find out that your partner has a pornography addiction doesn't mean that you were stupid for doing the above things. You were supposed to trust your partner and give them your heart.

And I fully agree with them.

In fact, I think that the fact that you are hurting and sad over their addiction and/or behavior proves that you were doing things right. It proves that you put your heart into your marriage.

And that is the way it is supposed to be.

It doesn't make you stupid. Putting your heart into your marriage, trusting your spouse, and hoping for the best are all a part of a good marriage.

Besides, hind sight is 20/20. Judging yourself in hindsight is a harsh business.