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Friday, November 21, 2014

"How could I not have known?"

You will often hear a spouse of a pornography and sexual addict say, "How could I not have known?" They find out about their spouse's addiction and they are blind-sided. They feel like they should have known, like they should have seen something, like they should have had clues.

Then, as they think about it, they may realize that there were clues. Their spouse was withdrawn, money went unaccounted for, strange adds popped up on the computer, etc. etc. etc. But, the hard thing is, these clues don't always mean that your spouse has an addiction. For instance, stress can cause someone to be withdrawn, adds pop up on the computer for tons of reasons, married couples don't always ask each other before they spend money on things.

But, in the world of "hind-sight," things that made no sense before can suddenly become clear.

1. Things always look clearer in hind-sight.

2. Many addicts are good liars.

Addiction breeds in secrecy. LifeStar's website calls it the "Life Blood" of addiction. And many addicts get really good at spinning webs of lies and leading double lives. It is sad, but true.

3. You trusted your spouse.

I love this point. Why does, let's say a wife, get mad at herself for trusting her spouse when she didn't even know about the problem to begin with? She gives her heart, wishes for the best, trusts in her husband, and then when she finds out that he had this addiction she gets mad at herself. WHAT?!!!!!

This is not the spouse's fault. They put their emotions out there, trusted in their spouse, and assumed the best. Things like, they assume that the reason their spouse is so grouchy all the time is that they are so over come with stress at work. Because you know what, it very well could have been that reason.

You are supposed to be able to trust your partner. You can't get mad at yourself for not knowing about something like this. Plus, ideally, you'd always be able to assume the best.

This is one of those "easier said than done" practices. But none of this is the spouse's fault.

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