Thanksgiving!

So, I am always on the search for new statistics. Sadly, many of the statistic sources are extremely out of date.  However, that being said, I recently stumbled upon this Graphic:

http://www.techaddiction.ca/files/porn-addiction-statistics.jpg


It compiles a bunch of different sources into one. Which is nice for a quick look.

As Thanksgiving is around the corner, I thought I'd share one of the points on this graphic. It says that "The Least Popular Day of the Year for Viewing Porn is Thanksgiving."

I'd like to think that this is because, on thanksgiving, your mind is full of what you are grateful for, what is really important to you, and what matters the most. Pornography does not fall into any of those categories. It does not give true happiness.

Bono's Heroes

My heroes are the ones who survived doing it wrong, who made mistakes, but recovered from them. / Bono

I liked this, because it is so true. Everyone has a lot of respect for those who were able to overcome their trials.

"How could I not have known?"

You will often hear a spouse of a pornography and sexual addict say, "How could I not have known?" They find out about their spouse's addiction and they are blind-sided. They feel like they should have known, like they should have seen something, like they should have had clues.

Then, as they think about it, they may realize that there were clues. Their spouse was withdrawn, money went unaccounted for, strange adds popped up on the computer, etc. etc. etc. But, the hard thing is, these clues don't always mean that your spouse has an addiction. For instance, stress can cause someone to be withdrawn, adds pop up on the computer for tons of reasons, married couples don't always ask each other before they spend money on things.

But, in the world of "hind-sight," things that made no sense before can suddenly become clear.

1. Things always look clearer in hind-sight.

2. Many addicts are good liars.

Addiction breeds in secrecy. LifeStar's website calls it the "Life Blood" of addiction. And many addicts get really good at spinning webs of lies and leading double lives. It is sad, but true.

3. You trusted your spouse.

I love this point. Why does, let's say a wife, get mad at herself for trusting her spouse when she didn't even know about the problem to begin with? She gives her heart, wishes for the best, trusts in her husband, and then when she finds out that he had this addiction she gets mad at herself. WHAT?!!!!!

This is not the spouse's fault. They put their emotions out there, trusted in their spouse, and assumed the best. Things like, they assume that the reason their spouse is so grouchy all the time is that they are so over come with stress at work. Because you know what, it very well could have been that reason.

You are supposed to be able to trust your partner. You can't get mad at yourself for not knowing about something like this. Plus, ideally, you'd always be able to assume the best.

This is one of those "easier said than done" practices. But none of this is the spouse's fault.

Reagan's Philosophy

My philosophy of life is that if we make up our mind what we are going to make of our lives, then work hard toward that goal, we never lose - somehow we win out.
Ronald Reagan

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow

"When I'm stuck with a day,
That's gray,
And lonely,
I just stick out my chin,
And grin,
And say,
Oh, the sun'll come out tomorrow."

-Annie
(The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow)

Setting Boundaries

Setting Boundaries is a huge part of life. (And also dealing with a spouse's or your own addiction).

I was thinking about this yesterday after church and how we all have to set boundaries. For instance, one of my personal boundaries is that I simply do not drink alcoholic beverages. Now, that boundary is partially attached to my religious beliefs, but not all boundaries are. For instance, you might set boundaries at work or school. Like deciding that you won't go to the football game if you aren't getting your work done.

Lots of boundaries are there to help us. Like, the speed limit! Or when your doctor makes sure that you aren't taking medications that shouldn't be taken together. Or signs that say, "Road Ends, Beware of Cliff." I'm just saying.

Lot's of boundaries are extremely personal, and it is important to decide ahead of time  what your boundaries are. Like, what kinds of movies you are willing to watch or music you are willing to listen to.  What actions are you willing to participate in or not? Are there places you refuse to go to or people that you know you shouldn't be around? Decide now so that when you are faced with a dilemma you will know what your boundaries are.

Boundaries apply to every circumstance.

You might say, "I refuse to lie" or "I will not hang out with Joey because he always tries to get me to ignore my boundaries" or "I refuse to wait for more that two weeks before watching the latest Downton Abbey." Okay, that last one was silly. You get my point.

In addiction or dealing with a spouses addiction you may decide that "I refuse to miss a therapy session," or "I refuse to watch explicit movies." A spouse may decide that "I will not entertain worries that I am not good enough." We could talk all day on this subject, and there are things you can do to back your boundaries up here and help you stick to them. But holy cow, that's a whole other post.

So decide now what your boundaries are. That way when you are faced with a decision you will already know what your answer is.

Warm and Fuzzies

Right now I am working on an article that I am super excited about! More to come on that later. However, I will tell you that I interviewed multiple therapists from LifeStar therapy network for this article, and they gave me tons of really helpful information. One of the things I asked them about is the whole "personal affirmations" thing, On the website they suggest that both the sex addict and the spouse do personal affirmations durring their recovery.

What is a personal affirmation? I don't know what the technical definition is, but I think of them as warm and fuzzy thoughts or thoughts that boost your self esteem.

Think about the scene from "The Help": "You is kind, You is smart, You is Important."

That's one of the reasons I like to post quotes and "affirmations." 'Cause whether or not you are going through something traumatic, little pick-me-up thoughts can make a big difference in your day. Just think of me as affirmation central.

So  . . . stay tuned for more personal affirmations. :)

And Remember, "You is kind, You is smart, You is important."

The World Did Not Create Me

Veterans and Basketball

I saw a Jazz Basketball game the other week (Go Jazz!) and noticed something interesting during the national anthem. The Jazz players had their hands over their hearts as they listened to the singer. The other team did not. As I looked down the row of players I saw that each one had both hands clasped behind his back. All of them but one. One lone player stood with his hand over his heart. What courage is that!? It takes guts to stand alone while every  other member of your team is doing something else. Even if the rest of the team wholeheartedly supports him, I think his actions showed a lot of courage.

Way to go lone player. Way to go. I don't know your name, but way to go.

Then, I saw another Jazz game this last Friday (Go Jazz!) (and no, I don't have season tickets. I was just lucky enough to be given tickets for each game). I missed the beginning, which really stunk because I wanted to see what happened this time during the national anthem.

 I will say that I was very impressed with all of the Veteran's day related celebrating that they did. When we first got there, they handed out pins to everyone (pictured above).


Then, during the game, they had anyone who had served or was serving in any of the armed forces stand up and be honored. They also had everyone stand up who had ever had family members serve. At one point they even lit up all of the screens with the red white and blue.

I was very impressed.

So, since it is Veteran's Day, I thought I would say thanks to all of those men and women out there who have served our country. Also, a big thanks to all of those who do things to honor and support our Veterans!

Specific thanks to my two Great-Grandpas and my Uncle who served and my Cousin who is serving in the Marine Corps, and multiple cousins who have served or are serving in the Air Force.

No Pornovember!

Fight the New Drug, a "Hip" organization that fights the Pornography problem, has proclaimed this month "No PorNovember." They are coming out with shirts and corresponding blog - posts all month.

Here is the No Pornovember announcement:

http://fightthenewdrug.org/ftnd-announces-no-porn-november/#sthash.H5AcU3BC.dpbs


Here is the t-shirt from the first week. It addresses what Pornography does "to the heart" and some of what it does to the Spouse of an addict. I think they are calling it "Arrows to the Heart."

http://fightthenewdrug.org/no-pornovember-week-1-arrows-to-the-heart/#sthash.L5H8sp7E.dpbs


Go check it out, and "Fight the New Drug!"

No Porn - November!

10 Things You Should Know About Your Mate

Ok, so before I stared this blog, I wrote an article for KSL.com called "10 Things You Should Know About Your Mate." The response was crazy! I got people who loved it, people who ripped into it, people who agreed, people who disagreed. The readers were all over the place on that article.

The link to the article is Here:  http://www.ksl.com/?sid=19940242

Lots of people thought I was telling them not to marry people with certain attributes. Really though, It's none of my business who you marry or don't. Whatever the case, whoever you marry, there are certain conversations you should have with each other before you tie the knot. I'm not a therapist or anything, but I think it's good for you to know some of these things before getting hitched.


It's like the quote from Downton Abby:

Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: "One way or another, everyone goes down the aisle with half the story hidden." Thank you IMBD :)

Though don't you think that it's our job to learn as much of the story as we can?

"Pornography Pandemic"

The Blaze ran an article the other day with a very interesting look at internet pornography. I especially found the comments about its affect on young people to be very telling. It teaches them the wrong things about intimacy and relationships. I have an article I am working on right now that briefly touches on this as well. It is a serious concern and problem as all these people don't know what a healthy, realistic relationship is because they are being taught completely wrong things.

Reading this article makes me want to read the original paper that it talks about. I am sure that I will.


http://www.theblaze.com/stories/2014/11/03/pornography-pandemic-new-article-reveals-eye-opening-dangers-of-internet-porn/

Morality in Media: waging war against pornography since 1962

Morality in Media: waging war against pornography since 1962

Morality In Media

A couple months ago I wrote an article for ksl.com about the organization Morality in Media (Porn Harms). It was so interesting to talk to them and research their site. All I can say is this: The world is nuts! The world is nuts and thank goodness there are people and organizations like Morality in Media out there trying to fight the sexual exploitation.

One of the most interesting things on their site is their Dirty Dozen List. It lists 12 leading contributors of sexual exploitation. (Read the description on their site, they describe it better). 50 shades of Gray, Facebook and Eric Holder are a few examples of things on the list. 

Have I peaked your interest? Go check out my article here:
 Morality in Media: waging war against pornography since 1962

Or you could check out the article here on their website before you go check out the rest of what they are doing: http://pornharms.com/morality-media-waging-war-pornography-since-1962-ksl/

"Whatever You Are . . . Be a Good One"

There is a quote I like by Abraham Lincoln. It says:

 "Whatever you are . . . be a good one."

I like this because it is super vague, and yet very specific. Whatever you aspire to in life, whatever your goals and dreams are, do it well. It doesn't say, "If you are a Doctor . . . be a good one" or "If you are a Politician . . . be a good one." Whatever you are . . . be a good one. Do it well. You won't get any happiness from a job half done or a job ill done.

Have you ever eaten at a fast food restaurant and found that the cook didn't "be a good one?" Eww!

Have you ever, I don't know, lived anywhere in the world and watched a political leader not "be a good one?" Bad news!

Have you ever walked into a store bathroom and found that the Janitor didn't be "a good one?" Yuck.

Have you ever seen a parent that just didn't try to "be a good one?" And look what they mess up!

Have you ever had a doctor that didn't "be a good one?" Ouch!

No one is going to be good at everything, but we can sure try! So, Whatever YOU are . . . be a good one." Even if it's only for you, what you do is important to someone.

(Disclaimer: This post does not apply to serial killers, offenders, terrorists, haunted house employees, people who make sales calls to my cell phone, and the like)