His or her addiction is NOT about you. Individual worth Week, Day 5

A couple days ago I wrote a post that was all about you. Today I am writing a post on why it is not all about you. Today I am focusing on the Spouses of pornography/sex addicts, though I am sure everyone can relate to this in some way.

But before we talk about addiction, let's set the record straight in some other areas.

The Number 5, while very visible, has nothing to do with the moving of the minute hand. The hands will spin no matter what the #5 does or does not do. In fact, we could remove the number 5 and the minute hand will still move around the face of the clock. 

It is NOT the #5's fault that the minute hand moves.

It's NOT about the #5. 

It's about the batteries in the back of the clock.

This candle is sitting on tile. But no matter what kind of floor the candle sits on, it can still be lit.

It is not the tile's fault that this candle can be lit. 

It isn't about the tile or any other kind of floor. 

It's about the candle bowing to the match and fire.

The same pole that holds up and supports the flag cannot determine if the flag waves in the wind.

It's not the pole's decision if the flag waves.

It isn't about the pole.

It's about the wind and lack of starch.

Hamilton's image has no idea that this bill is worth $10. The Government could decide to put Captain Picard's picture on this bill, and it would still be worth $10.

Hamilton has no idea that the bill is worth $10. He's just a picture.

It isn't about Hamilton.

It's about who the government decides to put on the bill. They can make their own choices.

It's not the consumer's fault that the milk on this box looks delicious when really it is probably glue.

Seriously, it looks real!

The chocolate in these indoor smores could be old and stale, and it would not be the marshmallow's fault. They are two separate things. And while the end product, the smores, might suffer, the marshmallows are still fresh and delicious.

The marshmallow's have to deal with the chocolate, but they do not cause the grossness.

This towel is blue. Being blue is a huge part of this towel. This towel is also dry. However, it is not the color blue's fault that the towel is dry. This towel could be red and it would still be dry.

It's not the color blue's fault that this towel is dry.

It isn't about the color blue.

It's about the towel having been dried.

The husband's pornography addiction is not the wife's fault. She could be someone else, have a different body type, pretend to be ok with things she isn't, and he would still have his addiction. She could change completely and he would still be an addict. A therapist once told me that an addict could be married to a porn star and he would still have the addiction. 

No amount of makeup, diets, or the wife's actions will get rid of the husband's addiction.

Because it isn't about the wife. 

It isn't the wife's fault that her husband is an addict.

IT IS NOT ABOUT THE WIFE!

It's about the addict and his addiction.

Your individual worth is great. And no matter what anyone else does or says, your worth will not change. There are always people who will try to make you think that your worth is lessening in an attempt to excuse away their own actions. 

This is ridiculous.

It's like blaming the #5 for the spinning of the minute hand. 

It's simply ridiculous.

An Open Letter to these trees. Individual Worth Week, Day 4!

Dear Trees in the park,

I'm sorry to be the one to tell you, but you pretty much stink at being trees. Maybe at one time you were pretty, but that time has passed. You aren't even worth the ground space that you take up.

You aren't beautiful, you aren't useful. In fact you are an eye sore.

In short, you are all worthless.

Everyone can clearly see that this tree is uglier than ugly. I mean, come on! Its trunk doesn't even grow straight! It's twisted and swirly, all uniform. Yuck!

There is no easy way to say this, but this tree has a crook in it. Totally not uniform.

This one is short.

Is that a knob? 

You couldn't just grow upwards?

Trunks? There shouldn't be two.

And I'm deducting points for the tacky birdhouse.

This shade has holes in it.

Yup. Everyone can plainly see how worthless these trees are.

No value whatsoever.

Rediculous!

Sincerely,

Sar Castic

Don't let anyone diminish the value of your tree. They obviously don't know what they are talking about.

I am a hypocrit! Individual Worth Week, Day 3

I am such a hypocrit.

Like many women out there I often get down on myself for what I consider to be a very imperfect body image.

So, why am I a hypocrit?

Probably 85% of the woman I have ever looked up to or admired have been overweight. Most of the best Mom's I know? The hardest workers? The softest hearts? The strongest faith? The ladies in church I have most wanted to be like? Some of the best teachers I have had? The friends who have had qualities that I wish I could share? Many of these woman have the same body type as me.

I don't judge someone by how they look. I know that some people do, sure. But none of us REALLY care about what those kind of people think. The people whose opinion I care about don't judge others based on their weight.

Many women are worried that the guys around them won't like their body image. But if someone doesn't like you based on your body type, then who cares about what they think in the first place?

The focus should be on being healthy, not about what the scale says.

The point is that throughout my life, most of the women I have wished I could be more like would describe themselves as having "more to love."

I don't judge others based on their body type, so why am I judging me based on mine?

Lets Talk About You! Individual Worth Week, Day 2

Ever heard the old adage that you are your harshest critic? 

Today we are going to tear that all down. Today you need to be honest about what is amazing about you, what makes you tick, and what you love.  

And we are going to do all of this... with crayons! Because it helps to write things down. Writing something down helps you to remember. And in the end you'll have a cute little momento.

Note: I am not a therapist or anything like that, I just thought this would be a good way to celebrate you.

Step 1: Get your Materials! Crayons and Paper

Step 2: Write down your good attributes

This is a really hard thing to do. Very few people feel confident in listing most of their good attributes. Oh sure, there are those attributes that you feel confident in and have no qualms in sharing. Like...

I am hopeful. I always hope for the best.

Or...

 It's very true! I love being a Mom!!!!!

Other things are harder to admit. Like...

I don't always feel strong. But I know that I am. 

I talk a lot about spouses of addicts here on the blog. If you are a spouse of an addict or if you have survived a spouse's affair or similar thing, I demand you put this on your list of attributes! There is no way you could survive these things and not be strong.

Step 3: Write down other things you are good at or things that you love. This could be silly things like...

It's true. I can talk a mile a minute.

Or serious things like...

I love my family

And...

My home

I want you to also put small things like your favorite color!

Step 4: Also, write down the times that you were proud of yourself

One thing I wrote down was "That Time With Bull."

Maybe someday I'll tell you about it. 

Step 5: Fill in whatever spaces are left with cute swirls and things like...

And, in the end, you will have a pretty little momento of your awesomeness. A piece of paper to tuck in your journal. Remember that nothing is too small to put on there. If you really love the fresh feeling after brushing your teeth, put it on there. If you feel like you make the yummiest quiche out there, put it on there. If you loved the time you stood up to the bully or the time you made a hard choice, put it on there. 

What good attribute do you posess that you have a hard time admitting to?

Individual Worth Week: Day 1: "Remember who you are"

Welcome to "Individual Worth Week!"

What is Individual Worth you might ask? Well, strictly saying, it's the worth that pertains to you individually. :)

No, but seriously. You grew up attending school assemblies/ pep talks where you were told that you are AMAZING! That you can do anything you put your mind to! Reach for the stars! You watched movies that taught you to seek out your happy ending, to wish upon a star, and to dream. You were called the "champions," the "warriors." You could go anywhere, do anything, and achieve great things! No need to be anyone else. You, as you, are amazing just the way you are!

Then you grew up and somehow forgot all of that. Especially as life throws its "fun" little surprises at you.

I talk alot about spouses of addicts on this blog, and this applies to them whole heartedly. Having a spouse with a pornography addiction can make you feel like you've been limited, you aren't good enough. Or those whose spouses cheated on them. Or those who have just had so much of the cruddy sides of life that they forget to take the time to "Remember who they are."

And it makes sense. It's hard to remember how amazing you can be when you have someone constantly telling you that you aren't good enough.

This week we are going to be focusing on our individual worth. What YOU mean. What YOUR potential is.

I love this video from The Lion King. Simba is questioning who he is and what he should do with his life, and his father (That is actually in heaven) comes to tell him to remember him, Mufasa, and to remember who he, Simba, is. That he is a king.

Soapbox:

Did Simba's worth change just because he'd been hanging out with a smelly warthog?

No.

Did Simba's royal ancestry change just because he'd chosen to forget it?

No.

Did his potential diminish just because he'd felt like it had?

No.

And the same goes for each one of us. No matter what, we always have the ability to step up and believe in ourselves. To hang on to the rollarcoaster of life with both hands and choose to survive the ride with class. We may forget our worth, that we as individuals are miraculous. But that doesn't make it any less so.

From "Normal" to "Psycho" in one step?

Warning: This post may contain triggers for the spouse of an addict.

On any given month, week, day, you can find stories on the news about heinous crimes. Sexual assault, rape, violence, murder. It's becoming more and more common. 

And what do we, the general public, say? That the perpetrator is a "creep." A "psycho." We shake our heads in disgust, saying that their actions are evil. 

You can probably think of multiple cases where you yourself felt like this. That what you were hearing about the attacker is gut wrenching and twisted. How could someone get that far? How could someone cross those lines and do that to another human being? 

Pornography, bdsm, and all of their deep, twisted forms are excused away as "normal" until someone acts out on them and hurts someone. Then all of a sudden that person goes from being "normal" to a "creep."

You hear that a man is into a heavy bdsm fetish, or some of pornography's darker sides, and people describe that man as "just being a guy" "doing manly things" "expressing himself" "normal" "every body does it" "Free speech."

And then he acts out on what he's been looking at, he follows through with the things he's been saying, someone gets hurt, and then suddenly everyone says he's a "creep," "perp" "Sicko" "Psycho."

Make up your mind, society. Is it a problem or is it not? When someone goes out, rapes and kills someone it is described as "heinous." And it is, right? But people don't just get to that extreme automatically. There are steps to get there, paths that must be followed for someone to go that deep. We need to label those steps and actions as heinous as well. 

Simply put, you can't say that the first step is just "a man thing" and the next step is "evil."

Jessica's "Daily Affirmation"

Ok, you knew it was coming eventually. "Jessica's Daily Affirmation!" If you have not seen this in the past six or so years since it was posted, you desperately need to.

I always cringe when I see this video, because I'm always afraid she's going to fall. That aside, I wish we all had this same enthusiasm!

What would you say if you did this?


Hmmm...

"I can do anything good!"
I love my family!
I love my home!
I love my Diet Dr. Pepper!

Ok, I don't know that I'd get that excited over my Diet Dr. Pepper...

What would you say?