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Monday, August 10, 2015

Do you want to know the details?

Remember I am not a therapist. These are just my thoughts.

It is so tempting for the spouse of a pornography and sex addict to want to know all of the details of their spouse's addiction. I personally think it's because you want to know what is going on, where exactly your spouse and marriage stands and how deep they are into it. You want to understand, you want to know and figure things out.

But this is very, very dangerous. Because knowing all of the little details can make you feel worse.

I think that the addict should be very forthcoming and honest about his or her addiction, and that they should answer any questions that their spouse has. Completely and honestly. 

I also think that you as the spouse of an addict should really think things through before you ask. Ask yourself if the information you seek is really needed. 

For example, I would definitely want to know about the major details of the addiction. How long they've been into this stuff, what does that stuff include (like, is this all on the internet, phone lines, etc.), how have they been accessing or finding this stuff, how often do they engage in this kind of activity? Does their addiction include anything having to do with children? 

It's not a fun conversation(s).

But then there is the stuff that won't help you and will only make you obsess. Do you really want to know the names of the women whom they've been looking at (if they even know)? Ok, I just made that question up on the spot. But it gives you an idea of somethings you might ask in a moment of pain and hurt that later won't help you at all. 

On the other hand, that question may be very appropriate. If you can't think of a situation where that question would be needed, then good. Be glad that you can't.

Aggh! It's not an exact science by any means, but it is something to think about. 

Consider what information you need and what information will only make you obsess. Though many times these two things coincide. :( 

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