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Thursday, December 18, 2014

It's not your fault

One of the most comforting things I have ever heard in my life is that your spouse's addiction has nothing to do with you. The therapist who told me this then went on to say that who you are does not affect your spouse's addiction, and that your spouse could marry a porn star and he would still have his addiction.

I think as spouse's of addicts, the fear that you are the problem, the fear that you are not good enough and the fear that you could not satisfy something is very real. Notice that I said the fear is real, not that it is correct.

The addiction is in itself a beast. Addicts do and say crazy things, it doesn't make any of it real or true.

I think it's helpful to hear that you could look just like the pictures your spouse is looking at, and they would still have the addiction.

Because it means that you have nothing to do with it. Even if your spouse tells you that it's your fault, it's not.

It's not your fault.

Saying women, but this applies to men too:

Every woman is special. We each have our own qualities, strengths, and infinite divine worth. Just because your husband or anyone else is being disrespectful to that, doesn't change those qualities.

How you look, who you are, has nothing to do with your spouse's addiction. This is not about you not measuring up to something. This is about your husband (or wife) being in the grips of addiction.

It does not reflect on you. And you are not alone.

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