Is it cheating on your spouse if you watch porn?

Everyone debates the question: Is it cheating on your spouse if you watch/ look at pornography? Lot's of people say that it is absolutely cheating. That anything intimate that is not done with your spouse is cheating on them. Lot's of people say that it is not cheating.

I want to write more about my personal views on this subject, but I thought that I would start by posting this link to Fight the New Drug. They ask the question "Is Watching Porn Cheating On Your Partner?" I think their answer is so basic and honest that it is great. In a nutshell: When you do these actions or view porn, you are releasing hormones that create an attachment to who or whatever is involved. In essence: using porn is creating an attachment between the user and the pornography.  They go on to say that creating an attachment to anything other than your partner is absolutely cheating. Of course it is.

Isn't that such a basic answer? Of course intimately attaching to something other than your partner is cheating on them.



http://fightthenewdrug.org/is-watching-porn-cheating-on-your-partner/#sthash.vvZX0lg1.dpbs

Through the Atonement

I have heard multiple times that one of the keys to fighting addiction or going through any traumatic situation is to turn to your "Higher Power." They suggest this no matter what religion you belong to.

I found the following Link on LDS.org. It speaks about the atonement of Jesus Christ and how we can be cleansed through him. Through the atonement we can be freed from addiction.

I personally do not know how I would get through the trials in my life without my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ. I hope that, no matter what religion you are, you can find hope and help.


https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2011-03-001-you-will-be-freed?cid=HPTH121814573&lang=eng


Merry Christmas!

It's not about being the bad guy

I love to read the comments that people make on my articles. Whether or not the person who commented liked my article, what their thoughts are, comments about their experiences. All that Jazz.

That being said, there are a couple of common misconceptions that frequently pop up in the comments. Today I am going to address one of these. The misconception that every time someone mentions an addict, they must be demonizing the addict and assuming they're a bad guy.

This is ridiculous. Seriously. Just because you mention that someone is an addict does not mean that you are making them out to be awful. Just because you say that they need to get help does not mean you are demonizing them. And just because you tell the honest truth and say that their decisions have led to traumatic consequences and have affected everyone else around them does not mean you are calling them a bad guy.

Now, there definitely are bad guys out there. Guys that do awful things on purpose. I am not saying that everyone is a good guy. I wish that everyone was a good guy, but unfortunately there are some bad news bad guys out there.

But, there are also good guys that have made some very bad choices and that suddenly realize they've tripped up somewhere. Choices that they now have to own up to and do some diligent work to try and counteract.

Basically, it is what it is. You may be a good guy, you may be a bad guy, I don't know. I am not saying you are either one. What I am saying is that there are some issues (like addiction) in which you need help to get through.

Speaking about the spouse of an addict and the trauma that they go through doesn't change a thing. The spouse's of addicts get torn apart and have unfathomable hardships thrown at them. Because of their spouse's addiction they suffer very unfair things. Is that to say that their spouse is a bad guy? Not necessarily. But they have made some very bad decisions which have undoubtedly led to some very bad consequences and those have to be addressed.

Here is a link to drive home the point:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RntRKQpuodw

It's not your fault

One of the most comforting things I have ever heard in my life is that your spouse's addiction has nothing to do with you. The therapist who told me this then went on to say that who you are does not affect your spouse's addiction, and that your spouse could marry a porn star and he would still have his addiction.

I think as spouse's of addicts, the fear that you are the problem, the fear that you are not good enough and the fear that you could not satisfy something is very real. Notice that I said the fear is real, not that it is correct.

The addiction is in itself a beast. Addicts do and say crazy things, it doesn't make any of it real or true.

I think it's helpful to hear that you could look just like the pictures your spouse is looking at, and they would still have the addiction.

Because it means that you have nothing to do with it. Even if your spouse tells you that it's your fault, it's not.

It's not your fault.

Saying women, but this applies to men too:

Every woman is special. We each have our own qualities, strengths, and infinite divine worth. Just because your husband or anyone else is being disrespectful to that, doesn't change those qualities.

How you look, who you are, has nothing to do with your spouse's addiction. This is not about you not measuring up to something. This is about your husband (or wife) being in the grips of addiction.

It does not reflect on you. And you are not alone.

A letter to her pornography addicted father

I found this link the other day.  It's an anonymous letter from a daughter to her father about how his porn addiction has affected her and her life. It is very eye opening and heartfelt. I highly recommend reading this.

http://www.faithit.com/an-open-letter-to-the-dad-looking-at-porn/

How to talk to your spouse about your pornography addiction

This is something that I had to leave out of my last article. It would have just made it too long. But, I had asked the therapists that I interviewed at LifeStar about it and they said to go to someone for help in deciding the best way to do this. Like a qualified therapist or at least your church leaders.

So many addicts tell their spouses about their addiction in a toxic way. After all, it is probably something the addict doesn't have a lot of practice with. That's why you need to go to someone who can help you figure out a good way to tell your spouse about your addiction. 

Plus, your Spouse may be thrilled that you are already going to someone to get help. It may help to cushion the blow of finding out about your addiction.

But, if I can tell you anything in this post, it is to be understanding with the spouse that you are telling. They will probably be upset. And understandably. This is one of those hard pills in life that you just need to swallow.

And for goodness sake, don't wait until your spouse catches you in the act. That would make it ten times worse!

Be understanding, be humble, and be kind to your spouse. 

The spouse's worst kept secret

So many out there don't tell ayone about their spouse's pornography and sexual addictions. Sometimes they feel like the people they tell might feel negatively towards their spouse, maybe they feel that the addiction reflects poorly on them, maybe they are embarrased, the list goes on and on.

This kills me. When your spouse has an addiction, it puts you through the ringer. The spouse ends up needing just as much help to heal as the addict does. Did you hear me? THE SPOUSE NEEDS HELP TOO.

The addiction does not reflect badly on you. The addiction itself has nothing to do with you.

Find someone that you can confide in that is trustworthy. Not the town grapevine.  Maybe you have family members or a friend that would fit this bill. I would personally suggest a qualified, therapist-run spouse-of-addict support group. I'll be talking more about these later.

A word of advice when choosing someone to confide in: The best people to confide in are those that are very good listeners. The people that I confide in have lots of good qualities, some of which are:

1. They are good listeners
2. They don't mind if I need to cry on their shoulder
3. (And this one is very important) They are supportive of the decisions that I make. The people that I confide in have an excellent track record of specifically trying not to say things that might influence my decisions. Not to say that they can't give advice, but the advice has ended up being more general. These are also people that, as my circomstances changed, were able to give specific advice when I asked for it.  In otherwords, these people are supportive.

Speaking of decisions though, some women will stick with an abusive guy no matter what anyone says. If you are in a dangerous situation, get to some-place safe. And don't get mad at your friends if they point out to you that you are in a dangerous situation. They may just be looking out for you.

In conclusion, the spouse of an addict needs help as well. Therapy, church leaders, someone you trust, someone else who has or is going through it.

To the addicts: Having an addiction in the marriage effects everything, even if your spouse doesn't know about it. The addiction changes things. It sets up an unhealthy situation in ways you probably don't even realize. Both you and your spouse are going to need to do your therapeutic work to heal. That is just the way it is. It doesn't make you a bad guy. If anything, supporting your spouse in their healing process is extremely helpful. Whereas not supporting your spouse is not helpful.

Consequences

Crying over spilled milk won't fix it!

Good consequences, bad consequences, neutral. Everything we do in life has consequences.

Sometimes we know what the consequences for our actions will be, and sometimes we don 't.

But, just in case you have been living under a rock or have never seen a drama movie, things are always better if you face your consequences head on and immediately. Trying to hide from your consequences inevitably makes them grow into an unmanageable mess.

Examples!

Like in "Emma." Even though Emma knows that her attempts at matchmaker will cause trouble, she continues to try to set people up. She doesn't accept that she should stop trying to match people up, even though it hurts them, and at the end of the movie . . . well, you should just watch it.




Like in Veggie Tale's "Larry Boy and the Fib from Outerspace." Junior tells a little fib and then he feels like he has to keep telling lies to get out of trouble. All of a sudden his "little fib" is a big, monstrous lie!





Or like in the current season of "Once Upon a Time." Captain Hook is keeping secrets from Emma (with a little help from Rumpelstiltskin). The more lies he tells, the worse he knows it will be with Emma. Unfortunately, he just can't bring himself to tell her. Unless he did this last Sunday, in which case I haven't seen the episode yet. Sorry! :) No one tell me what happens!





So, face your consequences head on and right now! My last article talked about getting help for a pornography and sexual addiction. If you are in this boat and you need to tell your spouse (or parents) about your addiction, start the process now. I will talk about this in more detail later, but go to a therapist or church leader and talk to them about the best way to tell your spouse. The longer you wait and the deeper you get into your addiction, the worst it will be.

Our consequences are there to help us. Lots of consequences are there to help us get back to a point of health, some are there to help us remember something, and many times it just is what it is. Don't be afraid of them. The longer you ignore them, the worse they will get.

UPDATE: EXPIRED. DISCOUNT for the LifeStar Intensive Outpatient Program !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so excited about this! The awesome people at LifeStar agreed to offer a 10% discount toward their 6-day Intensive Outpatient Program. This is such an amazing deal! All you have to do is call 888-980-1600 through February 2, 2015, mention this blog and coupon, and they will give you a 10% discount. How awesome is that!!!

The 6-day Intensive Outpatient program is for pornography and sexual addicts who need a boost in their recovery.

This is such an amazing deal! Go check it out, tell your friends, tell your family. You never know who may be struggling with this type of addiction and who may benefit from this discount.

Call the number - 888-980-1600

Visit the website - http://www.lifestartherapy.com/take-your-life-back/

Learn more about it and don't forget to mention the Get to the Gist blog to get your discount. Do it quick, because this offer is only good through February 2, 2015, Ground-Hog day.

I have been so excited to be able to post this. I hope that someone can benefit from this awesome opportunity!

Anti-Porn Clothing (and other Merchandise)

I am sure there are more stores than this that sell anti-porn clothing, but these are the ones I know about. Please comment or message me if you know of any others.

1. This week, Morality in Media is giving 10% off of all of their orders.

Go check out their store here:

http://pornharms.com/save-store-help-save-world/


When you get there, click on the "Save At Our Store" button and it will take you to their catalog. Looking through, my personal favorite is the "She is Worth More" shirt.


2. Fight the New Drug has a store at the following link:

 http://store.fightthenewdrug.org/

Remember that they are just coming off of "NoPorNovember," so they have released some new styles. Looking through here, I think that my favorite shirt is the basic "Porn Kills Love."