My Armor

Ever heard the phrase, "Take it with a grain of salt?"

That's pretty much the rule of thumb when talking with a sex addict. At least in my life. I get called all sorts of names and things, I get blamed for everything under the sun.

I take it all with a grain of salt. I'm used to it. Which is bitter sweet. At one point, no one should be used to that kind of treatment. On the other hand, it doesn't reach me any more. Say what he will, I know it isn't true.

My skin is a lot thicker now than it was right after I found out about the addiction. I have an armor on that I hadn't even know I needed before. So, how do you get that armor? How do you get thicker skin?

Don't give in to the lies.

Someone says you aren't worth anything? Don't feel bad for yourself, feel bad for them. What you are seeing is their own insecurities.

All addicts are human, they are not all knowing beings who can evaluate your worth.

NONE OF US ARE QUALIFIED TO EVALUATE ANYONE'S WORTH. Not even our own. Worth is something so great, so far beyond our human comprehension.

In the movies, the soldiers often put on their armor before they get attacked. They prepare. They can see the attack coming and they gear up. They put on their armor, they say their prayers, and they get their family to a safe place.

Unfortunately, I think too many family members of addicts earn their armor after the attack has started. It's disorienting to suddenly find yourself in a war zone, to suddenly realize that you need emotional (and sometimes physical) protection. (Note: I don't ever condone someone staying in a dangerous situation. If you are in danger, get to someplace safe.)

These family members generally earn their armor with each blow. Each mean word, each blame, each lie can scar.

The best way to put on your armor? Pray. Pray for help. Pray for the addict in your life that he or she will find their way to truth and health. Pray for your family. Pray for yourself, to be able to withstand the attacks and to be in a safe place. To be able to make the best decisions.

So, take it from me. Learn from my and your experiences. Don't let in the lies about you. Their addiction is not your fault. You are enough. You are worth it. You have infinite worth. You are beautiful, and you are precious.

Precious is not a word reserved for babies and kittens. You. YOU are precious.

Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

When your friend doesn't understand what it's like to deal with your husband's pornography addiction

Last night I had an article come out titled:

When your friend's husband is addicted to pornography


Follow that link to read the article.

But, what if it is you whose husband has the pornography addiction and your friend just doesn't get it? Some friends, even really good friends, can give awful advice. They may feel like they know what you should do, like they have the answers to your predicament.

They don't.

They aren't in your shoes, they don't know all of your situation. Even if you have told them everything, they haven't actually lived it. Even if their husband has also been involved with sexual addictions, they haven't actually lived your life. Every marriage, every situation, every addiction, every piece of pornography and affair and acting out is different. The way it was handled, the emotions felt, the things said, the relationship's background, are all different.

Besides, if I had to guess, you haven't actually told them everything. That thing your husband said, that thing your husband did, that thing your husband told you, that thing he blamed you for. But, even if you have told your friend everything, they still haven't lived it through your shoes. They may have good insight from their shoes, but they don't have all the answers for yours.

Remember:

1. They are not your therapist. Talking to them may be therapeutic, but they are not your therapist and are not trained to help you. (Unless your friend is a trained sexual addiction therapist, in which case lucky you!!!) Still, being your friend might make them biased... Go talk to a therapist that specializes in helping the spouses of sexual addicts.

2. If they haven't had a family member with a sexual addiction, they probably don't understand what all that addiction brings and entails. Don't take their crassness personally. They are probably confused, shocked in their own way, wanting to help you but not knowing how.  Keep your friends close, just remember that their answers won't always match the answers you are expecting. (Plus, some people who have family members with an addiction go into denial. Especially if it is their child. Even if they have experience, they may still not get it).

3.Make your own decisions. Your friend is not you, and you don't want to regret a decision you made just because your friend wanted you to.

4. If they don't ask you how you are doing, don't sweat it. I will post more about this later, but simply put I think that most women don't know how to ask you about this problem. It is a fear all women have, or a situation they are already having a problem with, and they just don't know how to help you. Don't be offended, just know they are probably scared and have no idea how to help or even ask about it. Think about if the shoe was on the other foot.


Also, remember that you are surrounded by people who get what you are going through. People who have had loved ones, spouses, children, parents, friends who have had a pornography/sexual addiction. We are a group of many. You are not alone.

Fortune Cookie Friday! Before you Roar...

I got this fortune one night when I was having to answer some very frustrating emails. Once I read it, I couldn't help but laugh!

So, remember, "Before you roar, please take a deep breath!"

Goliath and the small head of cauliflower

AWWWWWW!!!! Isn't this adorable! A cute, little, smaller-than-palm sized cauliflower head from a cute little cauliflower plant. Right?

Wrong!

The plant this came from was huge!!!!! Ginormous! Like, taking over the garden kind of big. 

For months I would go on a safari through my cauliflower plants and see if anything was growing. And for all of those months, no cauliflower could be found. Then, right before it was supposed to get cold, I went out to chop down the plant and clear it out from the garden. But lo and behold! Two of the plants had a little cauliflower growing. 

So I left it. I had heard that cauliflower can survive some frost (True? Who knows.) so I left it, hoping that we'd be able to cook some nice cauliflower.

But, right before the big snow dump I went out one last time, ready to cut off whatever had grown. I got 2 heads, Both about this size. Frozen. Underdeveloped. Cute, but sad.

What the crud! How could this have happened? No, seriously, how could this have happened? Any savvy gardeners know how I can have Goliath plants and only get fun size cauliflower?

I know there is some kind of a lesson that I could take from this. Some kind of parallel life story that I compare this too, but right now I am too frustrated to come up with one.

Here I put all of this hard work, time, energy, and money into this plant and all I get out of it is a small, soggy piece of cauliflower. Oh sure, on the outside the plant looks all perfect and huge and awesome. But beneath the surface it was barely producing. And no matter how long I watered it, nurtured it, all that came out was a little flowerette. 

I know that nothing else in life is like that...

Though I will say that, after thinking my plants weren't going to give me anything, finding a little bud of hope inside was quite fun! And even though I only ended up with a little cauliflower, I really do think it is cute and precious. It was a miracle!

Again, I can't think of anything else in life where that happens...

I've learned a lot from gardening, and hopefully next year it will be all the better!

PoP! Goes My Heart Music Video

This was one of my favorite videos in College. It is a spoof music video from the movie "Music and Lyrics." Do you recognize Hugh Grant there?

So, why am I sharing this? Because we all need a laugh sometimes!!!!!!!!! 

Enjoy. And you're welcome.

Update: It had been a while since seeing this show. So, after posting this I watched it and realized it wasnt as clean as I remembered. Mainly due to 1 character. So, this is not an endorsement of that movie as a whole.


And, don't forget to enter the contest to win an e-book ef Shadows of Angels. The contest ends on 12/17/2015 and details can be found here.

Giveaway and Review of "Shadows of Angels" by L.G. Rollins

I am so excited!!!!!!!!!!! Today we have a guest blog post and a giveaway! 

"Shadows of Angels" by L.G. Rollins just came out on the 8th of December, and today L.G. (Laura) is our guest blogger. I am so excited! It's a great post, and it is posted right before this one. So... scroll down for that awesomeness! We all deserve real, truthful love.

But first! I also just promised you a giveaway! You can win a free e-book of "Shadows of Angels" by doing 1 of 3 things. For each one of these three things you do your chances of winning goes up.

1) Put your email into my "follow by email" box to the right and push submit

2) Follow this blog

3) Follow me on Twitter.   You can find me Here or find me at @Jenelle_Stone

You have until midnight EST (Think: New York Time) on December 17, 2015 to do one of these three things to enter. At that point, someone will be chosen at random. THE WINNER WILL NOT BE ANNOUNCED. Instead I will contact them directly through either their e-mail or account. It is your responsibility to make sure your account (email, twitter, blogger, ect.) that you sign up with has a public contact information. If it does not, you can email me at writejenelle@gmail.com with your contact info and how you entered. Otherwise another winner will be chosen.You have 48 hours from the time I contact you or else another winner will be chosen. The winner will receive the e-book directly from the publisher, so your contact will be shared with them.

YAY! A Contest!

So exciting!!!!!!

My thoughts on Shadows of Angels

I loved this book! It kept me interested and wondering what was going to happen next the whole time. 

Actually, it was very interesting to read for multiple reasons. There are a couple of women characters in "Shadows of Angels" that are in different types of abusive relationships. I've talked a lot about relationships like these here on Get2theGist, and unfortunately they are very common. Reading how the women react to the abuse was very interesting. If you are in or ever have been in a relationship like that, chances are you will be able to relate to at least 1 of these women.

The book is full of adventure and main characters who have to face crazy odds to take back their world from insanely dangerous demons, blood thirsty creatures of the forest, and wanna-be-kings. Seriously, it's intense. But my main interest in the book was in the characters' personal drama. What is going to happen to the lady whose husband beats her? What about the woman whose been made to feel like her only purpose in life is to be used? How will the man learn to overcome his past? How will the other man learn to move past all the pain from his own past? What will happen to the obvious love between that guy and that girl?

The insane adventure just made it all the more awesome.

The only things I had a hard time with were the references to "Sister Earth," which I just didn't get, and a couple of the names sounded awkward on my tongue. Otherwise I enjoyed reading it. 

Which says a lot. I am actually pretty critical when it comes to my books.

It does have some blood and battle scenes throughout it, and topics of abuse and its effects, but nothing x rated. No bedroom scenes. One character that has been abused has some backwards ideas of how to use kisses and things like that to get what she wants. That is what I mean about some of the effects of abuse.

In fact, this book surprised me. Usually when a character in a book tells a story or tells about something in the past I find it boring. But a little over half way through Shadows of Angels I realized that I looked forward to the different characters telling about their past. It was like listening to puzzle pieces that put me into the middle of the story.

But maybe that is because the characters were relateable. We can all relate to having to work through life's painful trials, even if the trials may be different from the one's we have to deal with ourselves. 

Which brings me to Laura's guest post. I am so excited for you to read it, it is a really good read. Because this post is already this long, I decided to publish it in the post below. 

And don't forget to enter the contest!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you don't win, still go check out Rollins' book on Amazon:

Shadows of Angels by L. G. Rollins

After the forest dwellers destroy her home and kill her father, Aerbrin sets off on a journey to find the truth about her people, her kingdom, and the mysterious Zaad stone that contains a power she never imagined. Magic and mystery join forces in this intriguing fantasy world. Full of shifting alliances and twists you won't see coming, it's a can't-miss read.

Shadows of Angels, by L. G. Rollins

Excerpt:

"Stay calm, her father’s words echoed in her head. When you find yourself in danger, above all, stay calm. Aerbrin took a deep, steady breath and leaned down, reaching for her bow. one of the Forest Dwellers charged. It collided with her and knocked her to the floor. Raising a knotted fist, he bashed her head.

Sparks exploded across her vision. She tried to raise an arm, tried to call out. Her body wouldn’t respond. The Forest Dwellers grunted again. The creature above her raised its fist again. She looked up. This was the end, she knew. When these monsters attacked, they killed everything. Animals, plants, and particularly humans. No one survived.

Closing her eyes, Aerbrin forced her body to relax. This time, there was no pain."

Guest Post by Author L.G. Rollins!!!! True Love's Counterfeit

Today we have a Guest Blog Post by Author L.G. Rollins. Her  new book,  Shadows of Angels, just came out on the 8th!!!!!! Immediately following this I will post a review of her book and a chance for you to win a copy of the e-book!

Desperate Love: True Love's Counterfeit

by L.G. Rollins

I have worked for many years with high-school girls in my community. Some are out-going and bright; others are reserved, sweet, and wise. But there is one thing that is the same for every girl I have ever met—I would argue, every girl that has ever lived.

All girls have to feel loved.

We crave it. We die without it. We all need love in our lives. I'm not talking strictly about romantic love. I mean any kind of love. The love between a mother and daughter, or the love between teacher and student, and even the love between friends. We create love, and we call out for love.

But, unfortunately, love is not always given back. And seeing girls who receive love abundantly and girls who don't, has changed my ideas of what love is and how it effects us. Most certainly, it molded a particular character I wrote of in my novel Shadows of Angels. Hilfawn's relationships with others is largely driven by her need to prove herself worthy of love and respect. I wrote her like that, because I've seen it—heavens, I've done it—many times over.

"All girls have to feel loved. When they don't find it at home, desperation will drive them to do almost anything."

~ Lady Teepin, in Shadows of Angels by L. G. Rollins

If Hilfawn were my own daughter, this is what I'd tell her:

Hold your head high, you don't have to prove anything. You do deserve love. You do deserve respect. Not because of how you look, how you dress, or how much skin you're willing to show. It's not because of what you've done, or what you haven't done. You deserve love because you're a human being, because you live.

And here's the secret.

You must love yourself enough that you can live on your own love until someone comes along who knows how to love you the right way. Hold out until you meet that someone who knows that love, at its core, is based on goodness, not selfishness.

Hold out—love will find you.

But you must help it along by loving yourself enough to not buy into a desperate love in the mean time. If someone says they love you, but they hurt you as often as not, you are in a 'desperate love' and not a 'true love' relationship.

True Love only comes to those who are truly kind.

Help love find you by showing yourself respect in the way you dress and in the things you say. If you hang out with those who tear others down, then they are tearing you down. Find friends who know this secret.

I wish I could tell every girl this. I wish every girl knew how much she's worth—how much love she truly has to give.

Just hold out a little longer. Love's coming your way. Just love yourself until it reaches you.

About Rollins:

L. G. Rollins grew up in a far off land fighting dragons, stealing talismans, and traveling with dwarfs and elves. She is especially skilled at bribing giants with sweets. Currently, her husband and four kids live in Utah so that is where she spends most of her time. She may, or may not, have a Zaad Stone. To learn more about L. G. Rollins and her books visit LGRollins.com.

Note From Jenelle: I loved Rollins' point at the beginning about love coming in many different forms. Love between spouses, love between parent and child, siblings, friends, etc.

Some relationships are full of love, some are not. Remember though, that no matter your relationship status with any of these, there is One who will always truly love you. And that is a love you don't have to wait for. He has already proven it.

What gifts really matter to you?

A few days ago I had an article publish on familyshare.com titled:

"8 gifts that your husband wants but would never say out loud"

Follow the link to find the article.

Actually, you might be surprised to find what gifts made the list. Jewelry? A new bed set? Toiletries? What?!!!!! Jenelle, have you gone crazy? 

No. 

Read the article, you'll see what I mean. But what it all comes down to is that everyone likes to feel that their wishes and likes, and the things that they need to live are being respected if at all possible. People need to know that they are cared about. 

Some of my favorite gifts have been the small things that I needed anyway. Elaborate gifts can be amazing, of course, but those won't mean much in the end if you feel like you aren't cared about on a basic level.

I know that not all women are like that, but I am. If there was only enough money to get me one gift, I would rather that gift be something I need than something I don't need, no matter how nice it is.

Like... I would choose a new set of kitchen pans over jewelry.

But keeping someone's interests and the things they actually need in mind is a great way to start looking for gifts. Don't be one of these people that buys something for a gift just because. Make it count!!!!! Put some thought into it!!!!!!

Are you like me or do you disagree? How do you feel about gifts you need versus gifts that you may want but don't need?

If you needed pans, would you choose the jewelry anyway?



Also...... I am so excited for this Friday! Come join me here at Get 2 the Gist for a chance to win an ebook written by L.G. Rollins, "Shadows of Angels." She will also join us for a guest blog post titled, "Desperate Love: True Love's Counterfeit." You won't want to miss this!

The doomed "Attribute Activity"

A few years ago, very soon after I found out about my family member's addiction, we were given a copy of a "Christ Like Attribute Activity." It's a 1 page list if attributes, habits and feelings. Then the idea is that you rate yourself on each attribute from 1 to 5. 1 meaning never, 5 meaning always.

The questions were things like:

-I am kind and patient with others. and -I work to strengthen my faith

That kind of thing.

The two of us were asked to rate ourselves and then to rate the other person on these attributes. Then, later down the road, do it again and see if your feelings of yourself and the other person had changed. Basically, how were we working on our relationship and how were we developing in our situation.

But. It was REALLY REALLY rough.

I remember we were on the phone to do this activity. As we went down the list of attributes, he gave me insanely low rankings. He ranked me low on caring for others. He ranked me low on being spiritually in tune. He ranked me low on everything.

And I'd say things like, how could you rank me low on praying? You see me pray everyday. And he'd respond with things like, yes, but I don't think or know that you are serious about it.

...

Truthfully, it hurt. It really hurt.

Lesson that I learned from this activity:

-Not everyone is qualified (or should) evaluate your personal attributes.

And, seriously, you can tell the difference between someone who is giving you a tip out of love versus someone who is just mad and speaking out of anger.

When Happy Memories are Questioned

Sometimes, when you realize a relationship has been built on lies, it makes you question the happy memories within that relationship.

The moment I realized that things were not as they seemed during some of my fondest memories, I was devastated.

In fact, there is a particular memory that still gets to me. It was a very personal, very vulnerable moment in which I felt very close to this person. I felt loved, I felt cared for, and even though it was something so small that he did for me, It was a memory that I cherished . . . for about a month. And then I found out that nothing was as it seemed. Nothing was what I thought it was.

And then I felt a conflict that I sometimes still feel with certain memories. The conflict of [I still want to consider that a good memory] vs. [yeah, but it was all a lie.]

There is no good answer. What do I do about it? What do any of us do about it?

Especially when I think specifics. Like... during some memories, he was actually simultaneously involved in something else that was tearing us apart.

What I have decided is that there are certain memories I just have to relabel. They weren't really good, I just thought they were. Now that I know the reasoning behind this person's actions, behind this person's comments and timing, it has helped me to see what was really going on. There was one time we were at a dance, having a blast. He was nervous, I thought that was cute. He made a comment that I thought meant something different than what it really meant. But that comment influenced the rest of the night. Only, I thought we were talking about something else.

Years later, he referenced that night of the dance and said something that made me realize what he had really meant by his comment and actions that night. He explained it even more, and I was disgusted.

I was crushed. My happy memory suddenly turned very sour. That is what I mean by saying that I have to relabel some memories. It wasn't good like I thought it was, and that stinks.

Then there are other memories that I just have to rely on the fact that I had a good experience. That I enjoyed myself. Even if the other person was otherwise engaged, I have a good memory and that is ok.

It is ok to separate the fact that even though the memory was surrounded by crud and lies, I enjoyed it and therefore it can stay a good memory as far as I myself am concerned.

 And some of the memories were truly good. Things that I don't think I have to relabel or come to terms with. Things that I know we both enjoyed, favorite meals, favorite places to hang out, etc. Even though things were not as they seemed on the whole, knowing that there were at least tidbits of truth helps.

I guess my point is that I will never fully understand the circumstances surrounding those memories. But it is ok to focus on the fact that it was at least truthful on my part and that I enjoyed it. I enjoyed that vacation. I enjoyed that movie. I enjoyed that family get together.

It is sad that I even have to question. That I even have to know that so many things were one sided. But the truth of the matter is that the relationship was built on lies. And that effects things in major ways.

I would rather that they had been built on truth. But, I don't want to write off years of my life and years of memories just because someone else might not have been fully committed.