Do NOT tell this to an addict or his girlfriend

Today's post is a bit of a vent - so, warning!

Last week I read a letter posted on a very popular anti-pornography website. It was written by a girl who chose to stay with her boyfriend and help him work through his pornography addiction. A few months ago I read an article about another girl who chose to marry a man that she knew had a pornography problem because she could tell he was repentant and wanting to heal.

I love that porn does not conquer all. That when an addict puts their mind to it and dedicates themselves to thereapy and hardwork it is possible for them to turn over a new leaf.

But . . . here is my issue with letters like this.

They give the impressionn that if a girl leaves her boyfriend because he is a porn addict it means that she didn't really love him any way. That a girl doesn't really love you if she leaves.

Groan!

This is an aweful thing to say to both the girlfriend and the porn addict. Having a boyfriend with a pornography addiction can tear you apart. It causes emotional issues, and is no picnic. The girl in the letter I read said that because of this she had had to deal with depression already. And they aren't even married!

I don't know about you, but I wouldn't fault a girlfriend for moving on because she found out her boyfriend has an addiction. If you are having those kinds of problems before marriage, you'll have them after as well. Only maybe worse because in the addicts mind he might be thinking "She knew about this before we married and was ok with it."

I think if a marriage has any real, good chance at all that the addict needs to get help to try and not take those issues into a marriage.

You don't want to tell the addict that if a girl leaves him that means she didn't truly love him. How aweful is that for the addict! Basically you are telling him that every girl that left because she didn't want to put her, her future marriage and kids through a pornography addiction, was just stringin him along in the first place. Oh, don't worry. She didn't really love you anyway.

That's aweful!

Don't put that on either the girlfriend or the addict.

If anything, I would tell a young man to not get wrapped up with pornography and I would tell him that it is a total turn off for girls. They don't want to feel compared to someone else, they don't want to go through those issues.  I would tell him that he will most definitely lose girlfriends over this. And probably the ones he would really want to keep.

Now, if a couple is married and the wife finds out that her husband is an addict, then I think they should try to work it out if at all possible. Dating relatoionships are a lot more expendable than marriages, which should be permanent. I know that sometimes this doesn't work out in a marriage, that some addicts cross dangerous lines that they cannot just come back from. There is a point where you have taken your addiction to levels and once you get to that level you will have to deal with a more dangerous level of temptation for the rest of your life. Some addictions put people at risk.

That being said, I think if you are married, try to work it out. If you are dating, don't be pressured to stick around just for the sake of proving your loyalty.

We need to teach kids that there are consequences for their actions. And yeah, you might lose a girlfriend over this. That doesn't mean that she didn't love you or that she was just stringing you along. If you find a girl that is willing to stick with you, then good for you. But don't be surprised if a girl doesn't want to deal with that.

Don't Let In The Worldly Bird!

Just a thought.

Some people go to extensive lengths to protect them and their family from the bad influences in the world. Some put up computer blocks against pornography. Families have the "drug-free" talk with their kids. Families have rules, standards, etc. etc. etc.

Sometimes we put up extensive protections against something in particular, but then forget about protecting something else in another area. Like, putting a filter on your computer and then not setting restrictions on what kinds or standards of movies your family watches.

It's like this picture here:

You go to extensive work to protect your family. Just like the bird spikes (whatever those things are called on the window). But, just like the bird, worldly things will try to find another way to sit on your wall.

Or, you know, get into your home. 

Think about what you can do to further protect your home and family. Don't let in those worldly birds!

Is Porn Watching You? Just Another Reason to Not Watch Porn

Fight The New Drug just published this piece on how pornography could be watching you!

Yup, you heard me correctly. And in this day and age where nothing is private, why are we so surprised that a person's pornography watching habits may not be private as well.

If you don't want the world to know about it, don't do it.

Check out their article:
http://fightthenewdrug.org/your-porn-may-be-watching-you/#sthash.8Uzs11tM.dpbs

Think Things Through

Think things through.

In all things. But especially if you are going to park at a construction site.

Consider the consequences.

In all things. But especially if you are going to park at a construction site.

Lie #5: "No one else understands what you are going through"

This week, because of my lastest article Here: http://www.familyshare.com/addiction/5-lies-about-pornography-addiction, I have been blogging about the lies experienced by couples when one of them has a pornography addiction.

Today is the final instalment in this saga. The lie: "No one else understands what you are going through."

I wish this wasn't a lie. I wish I could tell all of the addicts and spouses that they are singularly the only person going through this. That no one else has experienced this kind of trial.

But that wouldn't be true. EVERYONE has been effected by pornography in one way or another. Whether they realize it or not.

People just don't talk about it.

But they still are going through it.

Lie #4 : "Everyone does Pornography, so why worry about it?"

Well...

• If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you?

But, seriously, I resent this lie. I take offense when people say that "everyone does it."

Because not everyone views porn. Not everyone looks outside of their marriage, not everyone supports that industry.

Thats like saying ...




"Everybody does it" is probably the lamest excuse for anything.

And, when we accept something as being the "norm" then we except the consequences of that thing as the "norm" as well.

Pornography and the sorrow it leaves in its wake? NOT NOT NOT the norm.

Lie #3: "Joining in your spouse's addiction will be helpful to your marriage"

This week we are looking at some of the lies told by pornography addiction. Today's Lie is: "Joining in your spouse's addiction will be helpful to your marriage."

Ugh. No, no, no. How many different ways can I say that this is NOT a good idea?

Let's see...

1. This is NOT a good idea.
2. Two wrongs don't make a right.
3. Don't support the thing that is messing with your marriage.
4. Don't support your spouse's pornography addiction.

I could go on and on.

Pornography is completely fake. It doesn't show healthy couples in healthy intimate relationships. It shows the opposite of that. You don't want to have your marital examples coming from exploited, coerced, or even trafficked relationships.

And how do you think you will feel after watching or acting out pornography? Better? Closer to your spouse?

Absolutely not.

The first time I heard about addicts who try to get their spouses to join in I was mortified. Don't go down that road, do not do that to yourself.