How long does it take for a train to stop?

PREPARE TO STOP!

I was talking with a train conductor a while back and he was telling me about car/train accidents. One thing that I found fascinating is that, when a train is long enough, it can take a mile or more to stop that train!

Can you imagine if we had to prepare a mile ahead to stop our cars? 

I love to apply things to real life. And, since I write a lot for the spouses of addicts, I couldn't help but think about how this mile-to-stop would apply to addiction. I'm sure you could think of all sorts of things, but the one I want to focus on is that the conductor has to purposefully stop the train. You can't be wishy-washy or put it off. If, a mile down the road, you are wanting to be in a better place, then you have to stop now. Knowing that for that mile you will be working against the massive momentum you've built up. And even after that you have to be careful not to pull up on those brakes.

I couldn't believe it. A mile!

The spouse knows anyway

When trying to decide if you should tell your spouse about your addiction, consider the pretty good chance that they know anyway.

That's right. They may know anyway.

Sure, they may not know what is really going on, but they might know that something is terribly wrong. They may be asking themselves questions like:

Why can't we seem to get along?
Why is my spouse always to irritable?
Why can't we connect in our relationship?
Why do things feel so awkward between us?

So while they may not really know what is going on, they may know that something is going on. And no matter how many excuses they try to make in an attempt to try and fix your situation, none of them will work because they aren't being told the truth.

That isn't fair to your spouse, yourself, or your family.

Just a thought.

Question: "Should I tell my spouse that I am an addict?"

I've never been in the position of wondering what I should tell my spouse about an addiction, but I have been on the opposite side of being told by my loved one about their addiction.

My personal opinion? The answer is yes. You should tell your spouse.

That being said, being told about the addiction was one of the most awful experiences ever. I literally felt like the world around me was falling apart. The fact that things weren't actually falling down around me didn't match up to how I was feeling.

But then a great thing happened. After a good cry we came up with a plan. Being handed all that crap, while hard, was a good thing because the root of the problems we'd been having was now out in the open and we could look for applicable, honest help. Whereas before we couldn't make a plan to help our relationship because I had no idea what we were really dealing with.

Consider playing soccer, 2 against 2. If you don't tell your partner that you are playing soccer, then you won't get any help making goals or stopping the other team from making goals. Meanwhile, you are frustrated that you are losing the game and your partner has no idea why you are so upset or why things are stressed out. Because he or she doesn't even know they are playing the darn game!

Trying to work past an addiction is the same thing. In my opinion, take it or leave it, if you don't tell your spouse, your relationship may not get the healing it needs and he or she isn't going to know why things are so tense and stressed out.

You've got to tell your spouse that they are playing soccer!

I've met multiple wives who have told me that their marriage was better than ever after finding out about their husband's addiction because now they are on the same page and able to work together to find health and peace in their relationship.

That being said, it isn't going to be easy. You are telling your spouse about a betrayal, and they are going to take it that way. Getting through this is going to be hard, but so worth it.

If telling your spouse leads to more unrest in the relationship, then I still think it is worth telling. There were things in my situation that eventually threw our relationship under the bus, but I have always been grateful that the person told me. I have respect that they had the courage to tell me, and I think that was the absolute right decision.

You have to let your spouse make their own decisions based on what you tell them, but a relationship based on the truth, even if that truth comes hard, is always better than a relationship based on lies.

Anyway, that's my personal opinion from my personal experience.

What do you think?

"Sticks and Stones"

I love this picture. It is a tower of bubble wrap. I saw it and my mind immediately started coming up with ways to use it. Art projects? Packages? Just popping it for fun? The options are endless!

Bubble wrap . . . the ultimate protection for packages and storage.

Unfortunately, we can't use bubble wrap on our souls.

I know, that was deep.

But seriously, you know the old adage "sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me?" Totally not true. That saying is the ideal to strive for, the goal of one day being able to just shake it off.

In reality, words sometimes hurt more than actual injuries. And the damage done by them can take longer to repair sometimes.

However, there is good news. When you are hurting, physically or emotionally, you can always go and pop some bubble wrap. Works every time.

But seriously, how do you heal from word wounds? Well, for me, I just try to think of the source. If the person is notorious for being jerky or mean, then I try to remember that. You can't trust their opinion. Eventually, after so many jerky things said, you can ignore their jabs completely. Because who really cares what they think?

If someone came to you and said that a narcissist was telling them what a horrible person they were, what would you say? You'd tell them to ignore the person's comments and not take it to heart. If someone came to you and said that a liar was telling them what an awful spouse they were, what would you say? Of course you'd tell them that that person was lying!

So why can't you take your own advice? Why do you let that person, who you know doesn't have a good reputation of trust, get to you?

Be your own good friend and tell yourself the truth.

So then it really may be true that sticks and stones will break your bones, but words will never hurt you.